Please, Please, PLEASE??? All I want for Christmas...!

Dear Santa,

I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply. I want to slap Martha Stewart. Just to watch her hair fly.

Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all.

Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18 carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.

OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego.

We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart Living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave." The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either."

Well lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa!

That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker?

In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher, that qualifies as "put away" in my house!

Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just scarves, mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.

She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s," and says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha: "Get new friends." Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation.

Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt).

The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge!

A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast. This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a show off.

If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship, right? When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back. "Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha. And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives.

There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year. You probably want to smack her yourself.

Sincerely,

A Hopeful "Child"


P.S. And I ask for it every year, so please, make it happen this Christmas....

 

Gentlemen, Odivously there is a faction that wishes to do away with the sole surviving model of the WIFE (never reveal the accronym!). Those of you that wish to join the MDL (Martha Defense League), gather at the pre-arranged locations and don't forget to bring scones, hand-crushed goose-berry chutney, cleaning supplies, your weapon, and a bold but understated Merlot. The entire fate of mankind rests in your hands.

 

My wife has a sign in her kitchen that says, "Martha Stewart doesn't live here!" Like there was any doubt! She also has one that says, "Menu today, two choices, take it or leave it!"

 

Sorry any wealthy person who looks down on so many; chaps my arse....I'd smack her...but daddy taught me never to strike a women; even an egomaniacal one.

 

My wife has one that says, "This isn't Burger King, it's my way or fix it yourself!"

 

I still maintain she is the Anti Christ.





well...she could be...

 

She is the standard with which all other women should be judged, IMHO.

 

psssst...she's a b*tch....IMNSHO.





Just me...

 

HA!

Like Martha wouldn't cut your you know whats off and make napkin rings out of them..if you tried to silence her!


and soooooooooooooo NOT owned... . She'd hurt you....badly..

 

My darling wife growls (yes, really growls) whenever I mention Martha's name; what's with you gals anyway?

 

Mostly she's a total b!tch.....There's more...and she LORDS it over the rest of us, how wonderful she is.....

I cannot stand the woman....

Go tell your wife she is a very smart woman!


(picked you , didn't she??? )

 

Here's her calendar for the upcoming month....


Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar
Date: Dec 2006

Dec. 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray-paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.

Dec. 2 Have Morman Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

Dec. 3 Using candlewick and hand-gilded pine cones, fashion cat-o'-nine-tails. Flog gardener.

Dec. 4 Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives, so that they're all ready to be mailed at the moment death occurs.

Dec. 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

Dec. 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

Dec. 7 Debug Windows XP.

Dec. 10 Finish needlepoint colostomy bag cozy.

Dec. 11 Buy some cockroaches from the less fortunate; decorate eggs.

Dec. 12 Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault. Remove air, replace with nitrogen.

Dec. 13 Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

Dec. 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

Dec. 15 Replace air in minivan tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at the mall.

Dec. 17 Childproof the Christmas tree with garlands of razor wire.

Dec. 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

Dec. 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg white and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

Dec. 21 Outfit neighborhood rats with tiny antlers.

Dec. 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank.

Dec. 23 Seed clouds for White Christmas.

Dec. 24 Do my annual good deed: Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last-minute Christmas shopping, thus making people feel less inadequate than they really are.

Dec. 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

Dec. 26 Write and mail Christmas thank-yous. Order cards for next Christmas. Estimate number of cards needed by allowing for making new friends and actuarially appropriate death rates for current friends and relatives.

Dec. 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

Dec. 29 Enter Style Invitational; win.

Dec. 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

Jan. 1 1998 Catch up on gardening. Sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for 2007.

Jan. 3 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

Jan. 5 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

Jan. 7 Lay Faberge egg.

Jan. 8 Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl's shoe inserts into heat pump.

Jan. 10 Make steel wool from mussel beards saved over the years.

Jan. 13 Spin silk cord to garrotte squid; fill fountain pen with the ink and hand-write staff their dismissal notes.

Jan. 15 MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is.

Jan. 16 Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

Jan. 20 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

Jan. 21 Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.

Jan. 23 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

Jan. 25 Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of all the people you do not know.

Jan. 26 Review the Christmas '96 show and try to understand why Julia Child is much beloved even though her croquembouche was very much askew.

Jan. 28 Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.

Jan. 31 Gild lilies.

 

NOT!