A lesson on faith when your mountain is to big. God moves mountains

Confessions from This Cancer Mom
July 25, 2019 ajperry0228


There I was standing at the back of my car with the hatch open. I was furious at my husband, for a very serious reason that is not relevant to this blog, just seething and speaking through clenched teeth. The kids were all three in the car with him and I was reaching in to get something out when I realized that my hands felt wet. Shocked, I looked down to find that my hands were covered with blood and I had smeared it all over the back of my car while I had been reaching for whatever it was I needed. But the blood was not from me. It wasn’t my blood because when I looked more closely, I didn’t have any open wounds anywhere on myself.

And that’s when I woke up. At first I thought nothing of it. Just a random dream. Then I recalled all of the times a dream actually meant something biblically. I realized that blood on a person’s hands is a biblical concept and began to, for a lack of better words, freak out. There are three examples in the Bible of having blood on a person’s hands or head that came to mind: the false teacher/prophet, the sinner that hears but rejects the truth, and the One who atoned for the sinner. I’m certainly not Jesus, nowhere even close, so which am I?

On the Friday before this dream, Layla had another MRI and spinal tap. She had been with her dad for his summer visitation for the past two weeks, so I hadn’t been able to really see how her balance was or if her eye had crossed any more than it had before. I was nervous. I didn’t have a good feeling about this MRI. My faith was weak and emotionally, I had been better. Of course, I prayed about it, but it felt like my prayers were hitting the ceiling and when I did pray, I couldn’t find the words to say. Devoid is a good way to describe how I was feeling. Devoid of words. Devoid of emotion. Devoid of faith. Just empty. And I could not figure out why I was feeling that way. In my mind I knew that the Lord promised that He would never leave us nor forsake us. I knew He said that He is a very present help in the time of need. I knew that He listens and is always close, but my heart felt far from Him.

Her procedures went well and she looked like she always does; just as beautiful and full of life as usual. The moment I saw her and Rayleigh, I felt a weight lifted. Hours later we received the news that her tumor was stable, almost no change at all. Which, in the world of DIPG, is amazing news! Even in a clinical trial, most DIPG patients begin to progress just a few months after radiation, and some children have little response to radiation to begin with.

The news that her tumor has remained stable is great news, but after over a year of praying that this monster would be completely gone, I was wondering why we are still fighting it. For a year I’ve been praying and believing in a miracle. I’ve studied every miracle Jesus and His disciples performed. I’ve listened to personal testimonies of people I know and their miracles. I’ve witnessed others in my church receive their miracles. The Word says in James 5:15 that, “the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up”. I prayed the prayer of faith! I’ve believed! Why has Layla not received her healing yet?

Enter dream two nights later. Blood on my hands?

Isaiah 59:1-3, “Behold, the Lord’s hand is not shortened, that it cannot save; neither his ear heavy, that it cannot hear. But your iniquities have separated between you and your God, and your sins have hid his face from you, that he will not hear. For your hands are defiled with blood, and your fingers with iniquity; your lips have spoken lies, your tongue hath muttered perverseness.”

There it was. In the dream, it was only after a good tongue lashing in anger at my husband that I noticed the blood there on my hands. What could this mean? Let me pause to state that I do not believe that the Lord withholds all blessing and favor due to our sin, Job is proof of that. I do recognize that our righteousness is as filthy rags and I know that we have all sinned and come short of the glory of God; however, there is a place for repentance even after a person has been born again. We all fall short, but we are all called to repentance when we fail, which is applicable to sinner and saint. His blood covers and washes us, but that is not permission to sin openly without consequence, lacking a repentant heart. We can’t be considered righteous if we are harboring sin. In fact, the verse following the one I quoted in James chapter 5 commands us to, “Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.”

Yes, blood on my hands. So, I need to confess, so that I can obtain righteousness, so that I can pray the prayer of faith, so that my daughter can be healed. Sounds simple enough…I not only need forgiveness from God, but forgiveness from those that I have wronged:

“Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother and then come and offer thy gift.” Matthew 5:23-24

When we pray, that is our offering. Our gift to the King is our worship and our desire to commune with Him, but as much as He yearns to hear from us, He will not hear if we have not reconciled a wrong between ourselves and another. There are so many people I have wronged, some as a teen, some as a young adult, some as recently as a couple of days ago.

To be honest, I am stubborn to a fault. Admitting that I am wrong is not a strong suit. I’ve manipulated people to get my way, lied to people to hide from my wrongdoings, said hateful things, gossiped about others to attempt to elevate myself, and harbored ill feelings. I’ve severed relationships with people in the past with harsh words of attack in order to feel a sense of revenge and although I may have had reason to hurt because I had been hurt, and even though my words had some truth in them, it was unnecessary to handle these situations in such a way when a softer approach would have been better. Our reasons for our actions have no place in the sight of God, sin is sin no matter the reasons we use to try to justify it. No matter my “good intentions” or my “justified”, or rather, “justifiable” reasons for doing those things, no matter whether I consciously and maliciously planned these things or did them without realizing it, I am guilty of sin. My hands are bloody.

God does not see my revenge as justified; He sees His child hurting another of His children. Think of the person you hate/dislike the most in the world and then realize that God sees that person the same way He sees you; you are both His children whom He loves without condition. He is not going to smite them in order to prove His support of you.

My son, Mason, is 3 and has learned the word ‘hate’. He hates everything! One morning, I heard a ruckus in his sisters’ bedroom and then a tiny voice shout, “ I HATE YOU!” Just a few moments later, he asked me for some bubblegum. As parents, we know that teaching our children valuable lessons on how to talk to and treat others requires discipline, so when Mason came to me with his request after he just said something so mean to his big sister, I did not hear (acknowledge) his request. I told him to apologize, with his whole heart and mean it, and then we would discuss the bubblegum some more. As King’s kids, God expects the same from us. If I’m going to come to my Father with a request or a gift, I need to make some things right with my brothers and sisters.

There are hurts that I have caused that have remained with me. There are moments in my past that I have re-lived in my mind far too frequently and I have long wished to tell each of them that I am deeply sorry for my words and actions, but, due to the nature of burned bridges, I’ve had no way of reaching out to tell them so. Writing is my way of expression because I can never find the words face to face; the words I can find tend to be inadequate, so whether our paths cross in the future or not, please accept this heartfelt apology. Know that your friendship means more to me now than it did then and whether we are ever friends again or not, I love you.

So, which of the three examples of blood on the hands from the Word am I? I am the sinner. Although I’ve been redeemed and my name is written in the Lamb’s book of life, I fall short daily. God was sending me a reminder that my prayer of faith will stop short as long as I leave the open wounds of past hurts untended. Because of my untamed tongue, I have bloodied my hands and that can no longer be ignored. I’ve made it my goal that each day I will be a better wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, and co-parent, than I was yesterday and not just to get in good with Dad or to get what I want from Him, but because we are all family. We are connected and I am called to love. Being a human being, I’m sure my mouth and my temper will overtake me at some point, and I will be quicker to apologize, just be patient with me and I will do my best to be patient with everyone else. At this point, my daughter’s life depends on it. My relationship with Jesus depends on it.

We cannot afford to hold on to grudges and hurts; we can’t afford to let down our filter and let our tongue take over in a fit of anger; we cannot afford to put others down to lift ourselves up. Our tongue is an unruly member and Proverbs says that the power of life and death lies in our tongue, so it is by the tongue that most of us commit the most sin and it is by the tongue that we must seek forgiveness so that we can have life restored. Today, my prayer is that you will wash the blood on your hands with the blood of the Lamb so that He will heal and restore what’s been taken from you.



Tweet
Share
Share237

 

I am glad she is able to find an outlet that helps her cope with her daughters cancer. F* cancer (<< phrase used by cancer patients and loved ones), I hate it. I cannot imagine the emotions and anguish this woman has had to face. I pray that the child will be healed.
As for this....

It happens. But one foot in front of the other, one day at a time and cherish the little things. The signs are there but sometimes we are too bogged down to see them.

 

Life is full of stress and though we all know what we should do, in reality it is very hard not to give in to the moment. God grant you the power to handle stress and that the child gets well. None of us can walk in another persons shoes and all we can do is pray for them and comfort them as much as we can. Reality has a way of destroying our best made plans and our composure as well.

 

Cancer is like moving to an inhospitable country, not knowing the land or the language and being hunted by killers.

As a cancer survivor I can tell you that cancer and it's treatment is like no other experience and to call it a test of faith is the maximum understatement.

As a human trying to cope with the disease, faith can be fleeting no matter your spiritual condition.

The best we can do sometimes must be good enough even if we fall short.

We're saved by grace, not perfected.

 

Search me oh God and know my heart, try me and know my thoughts,, and see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
Jesus provided the Holy Spirit to teach in His place.
The Holy Spirit is not achieved He is one Jesus makes introduction as a friend to be the one teaching you how to live and what should be said and how to pray, and when to keep my mouth shut .
How can one call Jesus Lord if he has no lordship in that life ?
A great many know scriptures and christianees and fallow all the advise the religious have to offer, but this is not representative of Jesus Lordship .
The desperation of needing His direction, not when you want it ,but when He is willing to give it to you .
Matthew 5; "blessed are they that do hunger and thirst after righteousness for they shall be filled. "
What the human wants is the satisfaction of their own design, but that design may well be not God's design for the best of what He has to offer. Oft times I had a noble thing from my perspective , but it was not the whole picture and only fragment of the plans in my future ,I have learned to trust God day by day and I try to find His will before I make plans . Because people demand answers it frustrates them if I do not commit with out God's influence .
We tend to cling dearly to life, when, if we really believe in God ,letting things go ,"because we trust Him," is so much better.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart , and lean not unto thine own understanding , and in all thy way acknowledge Him and He will direct thy path .