From Backwoods Home...... The Guys' Rules We always hear the rules from the female perspective. (See below!) Here, now, are the rules from the male side. Ladies, these are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered 1 ON PURPOSE! 1. Men are NOT mind readers, no matter how much we love you. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days. 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one 1. You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do something, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color . Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say, "Nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. Besides we know you will bring it up again later. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, transmissions, and golf. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! 1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but the truth is, men really don't mind it at all? We just think of it as camping.
The Man Test: <TABLE id=questions cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR vAlign=top><TD width=20>1.</TD><TD width=450>Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to: <INPUT type=radio value=0 name=q4>Present it to the President of the United States <INPUT type=radio value=1 name=q4>Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations <INPUT type=radio value=2 name=q4>Take it apart </TD></TR><!--tnote[You can bypass this document]--><TR vAlign=top><TD width=20>2.</TD><TD width=450>As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most? <INPUT type=radio value=0 name=q5>Innocence <INPUT type=radio value=1 name=q5>Idealism <INPUT type=radio value=2 name=q5>Cherry Bombs <TABLE id=questions cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR vAlign=top><TD width=20>3.</TD><TD width=450>When is it okay to kiss another male? <INPUT type=radio value=0 name=q8>When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions <INPUT type=radio value=1 name=q8>When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.) <INPUT type=radio value=2 name=q8>When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed. </TD></TR><!--tnote[You can bypass this document]--><TR vAlign=top><TD width=20>4.</TD><TD width=450>What about hugging another male? <INPUT type=radio value=0 name=q9>If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease <INPUT type=radio value=1 name=q9>If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!") <INPUT type=radio value=2 name=q9>If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series </TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE> <TABLE id=questions cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR vAlign=top><TD width=20>5.</TD><TD width=450>Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to... <INPUT type=radio value=0 name=q12>...remember the deceased and console his loved ones. <INPUT type=radio value=1 name=q12>...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life. <INPUT type=radio value=2 name=q12>...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer. </TD></TR><!--tnote[You can bypass this document]--><TR vAlign=top><TD width=20>6.</TD><TD width=450>In your opinion, the ideal pet is: <INPUT type=radio value=0 name=q13>A cat <INPUT type=radio value=1 name=q13>A dog <INPUT type=radio value=2 name=q13>A dog who eats cats</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE> <TABLE id=questions cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR vAlign=top><TD width=20>7.</TD><TD width=450>You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say? <INPUT type=radio value=0 name=q16>That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it. <INPUT type=radio value=1 name=q16>That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope <INPUT type=radio value=2 name=q16>That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen. </TD></TR><!--tnote[You can bypass this document]--><TR vAlign=top><TD width=20>8.</TD><TD width=450>Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her? <INPUT type=radio value=0 name=q17>You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner. <INPUT type=radio value=1 name=q17>You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her. <INPUT type=radio value=2 name=q17>Tell her what? </TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE> <TABLE id=questions cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR vAlign=top><TD width=20>9.</TD><TD width=450>One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is: <INPUT type=radio value=0 name=q20>"Do they need to eat or anything?" <INPUT type=radio value=1 name=q20>"They're in school already?" <INPUT type=radio value=2 name=q20>"There are three of them?" </TD></TR><!--tnote[You can bypass this document]--><TR vAlign=top><TD width=20>10.</TD><TD width=450>When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear? <INPUT type=radio value=0 name=q21>When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs. <INPUT type=radio value=1 name=q21>When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers. <INPUT type=radio value=2 name=q21>It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of.</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE> <TABLE id=questions cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR vAlign=top><TD width=20>11.</TD><TD width=450>What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land? <INPUT type=radio value=0 name=q24>He was being tested. <INPUT type=radio value=1 name=q24>He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there. <INPUT type=radio value=2 name=q24>He refused to ask directions. </TD></TR><!--tnote[You can bypass this document]--><TR vAlign=top><TD width=20>12.</TD><TD width=450>What is the human race's single greatest achievement? <INPUT type=radio value=0 name=q25>Democracy <INPUT type=radio value=1 name=q25>Religion <INPUT type=radio value=2 name=q25>Remote Control</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE> </TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
