1) What does the average Alabama player get on his SAT's? Drool. (2) What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth. (3) How do you get a South Carolina cheerleader into your dorm room? Grease her hips and push. (4) How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch? Pay him for the pizza. (5) How do you know if a Mississippi State football player has a girlfriend? There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup. (6) Why is the Kentucky football team like a possum? Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road. (7) What are the longest three years of an Auburn football player's life? His freshman year. (8) How many Florida freshmen does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a sophomore course. (9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco? Baton Rouge, Louisiana. He knew that the police would never look at LSU for a Heisman Trophy winner. (10) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color? You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.
Why do Aggies hate M&Ms? They're too hard to peel. Two Aggies go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish. As they're driving home they're really depressed. One Aggie turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?" The other Aggie says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!" There was an Aggie that was down on his luck. In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree and told him, "I've kidnapped you." The Aggie wrote a note saying "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it beneath the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the city playground. Signed, An Aggie." The Aggie then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Aggie checked, and sure enough a paper bag was sitting beneath that pecan tree. The Aggie opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note. The note said, "How could one Aggie do this to another Aggie?"
Did you hear that they outlawed "the wave" at Kyle Field? Two poor Aggies drowned at a game last year. Did you hear about the Aggie that drove his pickup into the lake? His dog drowned while he tried to get the tailgate down. Did you hear about the skeleton they just found in an old building at College Station? It was the 1938 hide and seek champion. Did you hear about the Aggie who was tap dancing? He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink. Why don't Aggies eat barbecue beans? Because they keep falling through the holes in the grill. Why don't Aggies use 911 in an emergency? Because they can't find "eleven" on the phone dial. How can you tell an Aggie is on location at a drilling rig? He's the one throwing bread to the helicopters. How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo? Three. One to do the eating, and two to watch for cars. Two Aggie builders were working on a house. One Aggie was on a ladder nailing. He'd reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over his shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood. The other Aggie couldn't stand it any longer and yells up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?" The first Aggie explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!" The second Aggie got real excited and called him all kinds of names, explaining, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!" An Aggie decides to raise chickens. So, he goes to the feed store and buys some chicks. He takes the chicks home, and plants them with their heads sticking up. He waters them, but they die. He goes back to the feed store and tells the proprietor that he bought defective chicks, and gets another set. This time he plants them with their heads sticking down. He waters them, but they die. He then sends a letter to his Alma Mater, describing the problem. They send a letter back asking for a soil sample. Ice is no longer available in the drinks at the cafeterias at A&M. The senior who knew the recipe graduated. An Aggie happens across a professor who is staring intently into an aquarium. The Aggie, says, "Professor, what are you doing?" The professor answers, "I'm attempting mental telepathy with this fish. You see, if my mind is stronger than theirs, I can control their thoughts. Umm, why don't you try it!" The Aggie, certain of his ability to successfully control the fish, stares into the tank for a few seconds. Then, all of the sudden, his eyes start bugging and his mouth makes a little 'o' shape like he's pushing water through his gills.
There was an Aggie who got tired of everyone making fun of her so one night she decided to memorize every capitol of every state. The next day when she was at work, some co-workers were making fun of her. She marched right up to them and said, "I resent being made fun of so I did something that no one would do. I memorized every capitol of every state. A co-worker did not believe her so she said, "Try me." "OK," said the co-worker, "what is the capitol of Wyoming?" She smiled and said, "W." This Aggie goes into a doctor's office all cut up and bruised and the doctor say, "My goodness, what happened to you?" and the Aggie says, "Well I was in this horse race and I fell off my horse. And then the horse started jumping up and down on top of me." And the doctor says, "That must have been terrible!" and the Aggie replies "I know. I could have been killed if the Wal-Mart man hadn't unplugged the machine."
