“Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu: If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep, please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you. If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be "crazy" forever. If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.”
Now that's funny..... I wish I would have had that when I worked at the hospital. One of my sergeants would call the payphone in the psych ward and, while watching on camera for laughs, would tell the patient things like "I'm the voice in your head" or "I'm hiding in the ceiling and watching you". 'nother shining example of law enforcement excellence.
I have that as a ringtone on my phone. Its free at phonezoo.com under mental health hotline. They also have a cool one for the police.
