Seeking feedback from the Monkey hive mind.....

Discussion in 'Survival Reading Room' started by DKR, Jun 27, 2018.


  1. DKR

    DKR Interesting ideas, interesting stories

    OK, my book sales are in the...toilet. Bad. Miserable. IOW, something no author wants to see.

    Currently, when bring up the individual book page for First Strike, the text reads like this:

    The World of Chërnyi: First Strike is at its heart a story about people facing the problems presented after a major disaster turns the world upside-down. You will follow the travels of Nora Richmond, MSN; Lieutenant Albert Drake of the R.A.F. Search and Rescue Service and Steve Wahpaha, a crusty old Marine as they work to establish a new life for themselves in the classic and often told tale of surviving "The End of the World as We Know it Today."
    Follow these three and their friends as they confront likely (and realistic) problems associated with a planet wide disaster. It may just give you something to think about..


    I'm thinking some a bit more...exciting might be better.

    Like this:

    Diverted from a routine training exercise, the crew of Pedro Six Two is sent hurtling across county into the teeth of a howling blizzard on a mercy mission. The mission was completed, although with a tragic price. Now on the ground at a remote hospital, the crew is stranded by the storm, hundreds of miles from home base.

    The situation becomes dire when the area is smashed by an unknown force from space, leaving the aircraft damaged beyond use. Facing the loss of power, communications and growing chaos, the crew must now make some very hard choices....

    The first in this six book series, First Strike follows one of the crew, Lieutenant Albert Drake of the R.A.F. Search and Rescue Service. He partners with Nora Richmond, a nurse form the hospital, as they face many dangers in an attempt to reach a property owned by Nora. A place where they might avoid the worst of the troubles now burning up the world.... When the havoc finds them, all bets are off.



    Thoughts please...

    1st edit made. More please!
     
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2018
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  2. techsar

    techsar Monkey+++

    Perhaps replace some of the instances of chaos with turmoil, havoc, disarray or a synonym of your choice to reduce the redundancy.
     
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  3. Gafarmboy

    Gafarmboy Monkey+++

    The second read grabbed me more. Not being familiar with your writing , I would take a chance with your book, as I am into that genre and style of writing. Read the reviews and am wondering if you have corrected the proofreading errors?

    Gafarmboy
     
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2018
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  4. DKR

    DKR Interesting ideas, interesting stories

    I have, the one now on line is Ver 3.0. It is my first major shot at fiction writing @100K+ words, so it was both a learning experience and a lot of fun. You can read most of the first chapter on the book page. This one is priced at $0.99, as low as I can go on Amazon. Kinda the Barbie Doll effect, if I can just get someone to read the first book...

    The series is now 6 books long and if you look at the last of the series (The Fisher People) it's obvious that I had put almost a million words in 'print' between the two.

    I've written up several text blocks, but I always come back to is it too long/is it too short. Where most of the first chapter is available to read, - just finding a hook to get folks read the sample chapter is, I suppose, the best I can hope for...
     
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2018
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  5. Tempstar

    Tempstar Invented Politically Incorrect Site Supporter+

    Read a Dale Brown intro. Makes you want to buy his book even if you don't like the subject.
    PS: Is there money to be made with the Amazon deal for writers?
     
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  6. DKR

    DKR Interesting ideas, interesting stories

    Another variation might be:

    Diverted from a routine training exercise, the crew of Pedro Six Two is plunged into danger as they are sent hurtling across county into the teeth of a howling blizzard on a mercy mission. The mission was completed, although at a terrible cost. Now on the ground at a remote hospital, the crew is stranded by the storm, hundreds of miles from home base.

    The situation becomes dire when the area is smashed by an unknown force from space, leaving the aircraft damaged beyond use. Facing the loss of power, communications and growing chaos, the crew must now make some very hard choices.... The situation they face now makes their recent tour in Southwest Asia look safe by comparison.

    The first in a six book series, First Strike follows one of the crew, Lieutenant Albert Drake of the R.A.F. Search and Rescue Service. He quickly partners with Nora Richmond, a nurse from the hospital. The pair faces many dangers together in an attempt to reach property owned by Nora. A place where they might avoid the worst of the troubles now burning up the world.... When the havoc finally lands on their doorstep, all bets are off.
     
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2018
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  7. Gafarmboy

    Gafarmboy Monkey+++

    Just bought it.
    Gafarmboy
     
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  8. DKR

    DKR Interesting ideas, interesting stories

    I have a couple of Dale's early books. He soon went someplace I wasn't interested in, so that was that.

    I do really enjoy the Hammer's Slammers & related fiction stories by David Drake.

    With Amazon I have zero costs. I don't even meed to purchase a ISBN number ($200 a pop) if I sell only on Amazon.. Since they are the world's leading book seller, I don't see a downside.

    If the price is $1.99 or less, I get 35% of the sale price. If the book sells for $2.00+, I get 75%. I get monthly sales reports, they handle all the tax crap, foreign exchange, and dump any $ directly into my account. Easy peeesy.

    Edit to add
    The Amazon stats show the 'average' new indie author sells two books. 2 each. Considering that I have seen 80 page "novels" listing for $14.95, I have no problem believing the stats.

    Amazon offers free conversion software and step- by steps advice to change a PDF into the .mobi format used by the site.

    Another edit to add
    I made more money in one year writing for commercial magazines they I have ever seen selling books. But writing the books is a lot more fun....
     
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2018
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  9. techsar

    techsar Monkey+++

    Now on the ground at a remote hospital, the crew is stranded by the storm, hundreds of miles from home base.
    Or perhaps Grounded by the storm at a remote hospital, the crew finds themselves stranded hundred of miles from home. To enhance flow...

    Dire might also be replaced by untenable...a bit more severe circumstance.

    But I'm just a simple simian and this is your tale of adventure ;)
     
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  10. DKR

    DKR Interesting ideas, interesting stories

    Ver 3.0

    Diverted from a routine training exercise, the crew of Pedro Six Two is plunged into danger as they are sent hurtling across county into the teeth of a howling blizzard on a mercy mission. The mission was completed, although at a terrible cost. Grounded by the storm at a remote hospital, the crew now finds themselves stranded hundred of miles from home

    The situation becomes dire when the area is smashed by an unknown force from space, leaving their V-22 Osprey is damaged beyond use. Facing the loss of power, communications and growing chaos, the crew must now make some very hard choices.... By comparison, the situation they face now makes their recent tour in Southwest Asia look almost safe..

    The first in a six book series, First Strike follows one of the crew, Lieutenant Albert Drake of the R.A.F. Search and Rescue Service. He quickly partners with Nora Richmond, a nurse from the hospital. Together, the pair faces many dangers in an attempt to reach property owned by Nora. A place where they might avoid the worst of the insanity now burning up the world.... When the havoc finally lands on their doorstep, all bets are off.
     
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  11. techsar

    techsar Monkey+++

    Sounds good to me...now to fire up a stogie and read it(y)

    ETA: you mean it's not "there's a bathroom on the right"?
     
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  12. DKR

    DKR Interesting ideas, interesting stories

    Went with this

    Diverted from a routine training exercise, the crew of Pedro Six Two is plunged into danger as they are sent hurtling into the teeth of a howling blizzard on a mercy mission. The mission is complete, although at a terrible cost, stranding them hundreds of miles from home.

    The situation becomes dire when the area is smashed by an unknown force from space, leaving their V-22 Osprey damaged beyond use. Facing the loss of power, communications and growing chaos, the crew must now make some very hard choices.

    The first in a six book series, First Strike follows one of the crew, Lieutenant Albert Drake of the R.A.F. Search and Rescue Service. He quickly partners with Nora Richmond, a nurse from the hospital. Together, the pair faces many dangers in an attempt to reach property owned by Nora. A place where they might avoid the worst of the insanity now burning up the world....

    When the havoc finally lands on their doorstep, all bets are off.\

    It'll take a couple of days for this to show on the book page...
     
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  13. DKR

    DKR Interesting ideas, interesting stories

    Looking forward to any feedback you might have - good, bad or indifferent.... You have no idea how hard it is to get reader feedback.
     
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  14. Dunerunner

    Dunerunner Brewery Monkey Moderator

    I'm always late to the party, but....... :cautious:

    Another one:

    With danger lurking at every turn, and at the mercy of a howling blizzard the crew of Pedro Six Two is dropped into their most challenging assignment, survival. Their previous mission completed at terrible cost, they find themselves on the grounds of a remote hospital. The crew is stranded by the storm hundreds of miles from home base. The situation becomes dire as the area is smashed by an unknown force leaving their aircraft damaged beyond repair. Facing the loss of all power, no communications and the brutality of a society in chaos, the crew must now make some very hard choices....

    First Strike, the first in a six book series; follows one of the crew, Lieutenant Albert Drake of the R.A.F. Search and Rescue Service. He quickly partners with Nora Richmond, a nurse from the hospital. The pair face many dangers together in their journey to reach property owned by Nora. A place where they might avoid the worst of the chaos now engulfing the entire world.... But, when the havoc finally lands on their doorstep, all bets are off.
     
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  15. ochit

    ochit Monkey+

    try making it a survival infused crotch novel those things still sell.

    Example while Jim was sweating furiously trying to get an ember to make the fire Jill was watching him intently as his muscles withered and coiled she had not been with a man -- because she was attracted to women but it was getting hot and steamy and there wan't even a fire going she pursed her lips to speak and jim yells got it as he gingerly moved the ember to the tinder bundle and lovingly puffed and coaxed the ember to a glow then a flame her loins seethed for --- well that's all I got your the writer [tf]
     
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  16. Motomom34

    Motomom34 Moderator Moderator Site Supporter+++

    Oh for goodness sake @ochit :rolleyes: DKR does not write soft porn, he is a really good author that writes books full of knowledge like a Clancy novel. I have read a few books in the series. Still have a question that I never asked @DKR. Nice having the author as a friend because as I was reading the book I kept wonder why did _____ do XYZ.
     
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  17. hot diggity

    hot diggity Monkey+++ Site Supporter+++

    They all read like a book...not like a story that someone would become immediately drawn to.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "NORA!!!!" he screamed as he came instantly awake. Startled, cold, confused. Nothing was the same since...what was THAT! Lieutenant Albert Drake of the R.A.F. Search and Rescue Service looked around the wreckage of his aircraft, but had no answers.
    "Next time you have a nightmare and wake me up I'm going to smother you with a pillow!" said Nora Richmond, a nurse from the hospital who had been asleep on what had been the port bulkhead.
    He was happy to see her, but his only thought now that the fog of sleep had cleared was that he had to pee... and why was she giving him that devilish grin?
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Immediately involve the characters thoughts and emotions in the story and you will grab the readers interest.
     
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2018
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  18. Asia-Off-Grid

    Asia-Off-Grid Frugal Secret Squirrel Site Supporter++

    You need to separate the following:
     
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  19. Motomom34

    Motomom34 Moderator Moderator Site Supporter+++

    I would move the first paragraph into first place, tweak it and go from there. A unknown then space event.._______
    the crew of Pedro/Six Two is stranding them hundreds of miles from home, after a blizzard stranded them_______
    shake up the description, the event is why the story happened so the event should be first mentioned. IMO
     
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  20. UncleMorgan

    UncleMorgan I eat vegetables. My friends are not vegetables.

    The most important things about book blurbs--as a baited hook for new and returning customers--is that they should be succinct, generate excitement, and flow well.

    I find that reading them aloud as if they were the trailer for a new movie is really vital.

    If they don't read out loud with a lot of impact, the reader's internal voice won't produce much impact when he reads it to himself.

    Example:

    "In a world filled with chaos, one man must survive to..."

    is better than

    "One man, trying to survive in a chaotic world, ..."

    Never quit tweaking. That's one of the benefits of electronic publications.

    On the purely commercial side, I'd put the book out a $6.99, marked down to "Now Only" $2.99--both to increase the perceived value of your work, and to emphasize that it's available at a bargain price for a limited time.

    And to actually earn you some perceptible royalties.

    That $0.99 gag that Amazon does is good for Amazon--not you. Your book is being used as a loss leader to pull in customers for everything else Amazon sells.

    That being said, here's how I would tweak out the Volume I blurb:

    Present version:
    Diverted from a routine training exercise, the crew of Pedro Six Two is plunged into danger as they are sent hurtling into the teeth of a howling blizzard on a mercy mission. The mission is complete, although at a terrible cost, stranding them hundreds of miles from home.


    The situation becomes dire when the area is smashed by an unknown force from space, leaving their V-22 Osprey damaged beyond use. Facing the loss of power, communications and growing chaos, the crew must now make some very hard choices.

    The first in a six book series, First Strike follows one of the crew, Lieutenant Albert Drake of the R.A.F. Search and Rescue Service. He quickly partners with Nora Richmond, a nurse from the hospital. Together, the pair faces many dangers in an attempt to reach property owned by Nora. A place where they might avoid the worst of the insanity now burning up the world....

    When the havoc finally lands on their doorstep, all bets are off.\

    Suggested version:
    Follow Lieutenant Albert Drake of the R.A.F. Search and Rescue Service and the surviving crew of Pedro Two Six in their desperate attempt to survive the aftermath of a mercy mission gone horribly wrong. A downed aircraft, a howling blizzard, and the chaotic aftermath of a worldwide attack from space leave them no choice but to attempt to fight their way across the shattered remnants of civilization to a place of safety hundreds of miles from home.

    Nurse Nora Richmond is the only person that can guide them to their distant haven. But will it still exist when they get there?

    First Strike is the first of the exciting six-book series The World of the Chërnyi by DKR, available only from Amazon.
     
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