True Southerners

That's a big ol' whopper of a truth there. American by birth, Southern by the grace of God.

Never even heard of Fried Green Tomatoes till I went up north. Don't even hear about them here in CA.

Now, Fried Dill Pickles is a weird thing I don't remember where I first saw them.

Found another Southern soul out here the other day and we chattered away for a long while about a lot of good dishes we miss. Among them was Red Eye gravy and Cat Heads.

Cooked me a pot of beans and rice and even crafted some cornbread. Gonna have the left overs for days and what cornbread survives will be bowled up with some milk for breakfast.

 

Are You a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican?...

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican?


Here is a little test that will help you decide.

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

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Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor? Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier
street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing!

I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Southern Republican's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click..... (sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter:
"Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"

 

I don't know if it's strictly Southern, though I do like 'I feel like I've been shot at and missed, sh** at and hit'.

I also find that I have to explain what supper is around here. They argue me up and down about it being dinner. Strange critters out here.

Everyone I work with thinks that the be-all end-all of the southern experience is the movies Deliverance and Slingblade.

They hounded me for days to use the 'squeal like a pig' line and 'french fried taters'. They ate it up like grandma's gravy. I've had to explain about reckon, pertnear or purtnear, a swalla and yonder.

These guys never met a southern boy or even a country boy till I came along. Got this one that keep buggin' me to let my drawl come out and say some 'real' southern things. He's enough to worry the horns off a billy goat, I tell ya.

I reckon I can't blame him. He's one of the citified after all and yall know those type. Got the book learning, just not much travelling knowledge. I pertnear split a seam when he tried the drawl. Only experience they get around here comes from the movies and that's all the crap hollyweird put together.

'That one's about as smart as a bag of hammers.'

'You remind me of the south end of a north bound mule.'

'I member you when you was knee high to a pissant.'

'You look as happy as a hog in slop.'

'If I had a dog as ugly as him, I'd shave it's butt and make it walk backwards.'

Just to name a few.

 

MM, sounds like ya may be busier than a one legged man in a butt kicking contest.

 

They left out the Plural Possessive "all y'alls"

I absolutely abhor that whenever they want to portray stupidity in the movies? Give 'em a fake Southern Accent....Never fails..

Goober, Gomer...Barney....Oh , and those wonderful ole' Burt Reynolds movies with the Sherrif....and don't forget the Dukes of Hazard...and the list goes on and on...The stereotype of the Southern Sherrif with the mirrored shades saying "We don't need your kind round here, boy"..Please!
The Chief of Police where I grew up in South Carolina? A black jew...who also happens to be a Rhodes Scholar....and flies all over the country, helping police depts put together a winning department...
Rueben Greenberg...


Mark Twain once said "Southerners speak music...." and I believe it..All the different dialects , from Gullah, to Cajun, to the Georgia drawl....all melodious and wonderful to listen to...
There's this thing with words ...Southerners have love affairs with words..People think we speak slowly because we are slow..or naturally lazy...Not so.. We speak slower because our love of words is so great, we can't stand to part with them.... You can caress them, polish them..and linger, lovingly, before allowing them to go on their way with a lilt, an inflection..that I haven't found anywhere else in our country...but that's just me. I have a love affair with the South.

It doesn't mean I will always live here, but it will always live in me.

And no, we don't ask if there are crazy people in your family...We ask what side they're on. You call it crazy...we tend to prefer eccentric...and we put them in a rocker , on the front porch , for God and everyone to see ...



I think of Eudora Welty, Tennessee Williams, William Faulkner, Anne Tyler, Harper Lee, Pat Conroy, Anne River Siddons, and the list goes on...

But we can do a passable imitation of slow and dumb for people that think that's how we are...(and we do...It is a source of great amusement for some of us....)


and I have even heard all of these at one time or another..

1. Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.
2. It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.
3. He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
4. Have a cup of coffee, it's already been saucered and blowed.
5. She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm.
6. It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.
7. My cow died last night so I don't need your bull.
8. Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining.
9. He's as country as cornbread.
10. This is gooder'n grits.
11. Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.
12. If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.

 

Ah, the great inventions of the south. Gotta love 'em. Haha.

Speaking of stretches, saw a stretch hummer limo the other day. It was turning from a four lane street onto a two lane street and almost took out a bunch of pedestrians, me included. That POS couldn't handle a turn for crap. You know you have two lanes heading north. One heading north or can turn west. The other lane turns west only. The limo was in the lane where you can head north or turn west. Even with it in that lane, it still couldn't have taken that turn if it had been doing anywhere near 25mph. It must have had to slow to a crawl to even take it, though the driver didn't let it get into the turn fully when he gunned it up and started down the street. I know one vehicle I'll never want to own.

 

My sister sometimes says of a dumb person, "He ain't got the brains God gave a dead goat."

We use the "Sears Test" to determine how long a person has lived here.
Recent (the last twenty years) immigrants know the Sears store in the Governor's Square Mall.
If you remember the "Old Sears" on the Apalachee Parkway, you've been here forty years.
Not man of us speak of "The Old, Old Sears" - uptown!

On my Navy ship, we southern boys wanted to keel haul a certain northern-born mess crank - he served us up that tasteless mush "Cream of Wheat", and had the unmitigated Yankee gall to call it "Grits"! Sheesh . . .

 

Ever heard this one? "We've howdied, but we ain't shook." To describe someone you know, but aren't exactly friends with. I've got to say though the thing I miss the most about Texas, and the rest of the South, is how a handshake seals the deal, and the contract is the formality, not the other way around.

 

The key to this is that "Directly" is pronounced "Dreckly" Once when I was about five, my grandmother and I were waiting for my grandfather. She told me he would be along "dreckly." I asked how long "dreckly" was. She just laughed and said "in a little while."

 

I feel like i've been drug through a knothole (or keyhole) backwards.

 

ayuh....