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True Southerners

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by Minuteman, Sep 12, 2006.

  1. Minuteman

    Minuteman Chaplain Moderator Founding Member


    <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com[​IMG] HAVE</B>" them, you "PITCH" them.

    Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."

    Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

    Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, . as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

    Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

    All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

    Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!

    Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

    Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

    No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

    A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

    Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're "in line," . we talk to everybody!

    Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

    In the South, yall is singular, .... all yall is plural.

    Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

    Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

    When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

    Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

    And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say ,"Bless her heart" ... and go your own way.

    And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, .... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!

    And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all yall need a sign to hang on yalls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."

    Bless your hearts, . yall have a blessed day.
  2. TailorMadeHell

    TailorMadeHell Lurking Shadow Creature

    That's a big ol' whopper of a truth there. American by birth, Southern by the grace of God. :D

    Never even heard of Fried Green Tomatoes till I went up north. Don't even hear about them here in CA.

    Now, Fried Dill Pickles is a weird thing I don't remember where I first saw them.

    Found another Southern soul out here the other day and we chattered away for a long while about a lot of good dishes we miss. Among them was Red Eye gravy and Cat Heads.

    Cooked me a pot of beans and rice and even crafted some cornbread. Gonna have the left overs for days and what cornbread survives will be bowled up with some milk for breakfast.
  3. Minuteman

    Minuteman Chaplain Moderator Founding Member

    When I lived in Cal. I got made fun of for "Fixin" to do things.
    My wife thinks that cornbread and milk is disgusting. But she does like my fried catfish and hush puppies. But she thinks I'm nuts for going out and catching them by hand. Of course she thinks I'm nuts about a lot of things! Bless her pea pickin little heart!!! As long as she don't pitch a coniption fit we'll be as fine as a frogs hair split four ways.

    One thing about Southerners, they don't leave much doubt about how they feel. Ask one who's feeling poorly how they are and you might get something like this " I feel like I been ate by a coyote and sh.. over a cliff."

    How bout "Nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rockin chairs."

    Any body else have one??
  4. ricdoug

    ricdoug Monkey+++

    Are You a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican?...

    Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican?

    Here is a little test that will help you decide.

    You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

    Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

    You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

    What do you do?


    Democrat's Answer:

    Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

    Does the man look poor? Or oppressed?

    Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

    Could we run away?

    What does my wife think?

    What about the kids?

    Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

    What does the law say about this situation?

    Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

    Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

    Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

    Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

    If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

    Should I call 9-1-1?

    Why is this street so deserted?

    We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier
    street that would discourage such behavior.

    This is all so confusing!

    I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.


    Republican's Answer:



    Southern Republican's Answer:

    BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click..... (sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

    "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"
  5. TailorMadeHell

    TailorMadeHell Lurking Shadow Creature

    I don't know if it's strictly Southern, though I do like 'I feel like I've been shot at and missed, sh** at and hit'.

    I also find that I have to explain what supper is around here. They argue me up and down about it being dinner. Strange critters out here.

    Everyone I work with thinks that the be-all end-all of the southern experience is the movies Deliverance and Slingblade.

    They hounded me for days to use the 'squeal like a pig' line and 'french fried taters'. They ate it up like grandma's gravy. I've had to explain about reckon, pertnear or purtnear, a swalla and yonder.

    These guys never met a southern boy or even a country boy till I came along. Got this one that keep buggin' me to let my drawl come out and say some 'real' southern things. He's enough to worry the horns off a billy goat, I tell ya.

    I reckon I can't blame him. He's one of the citified after all and yall know those type. Got the book learning, just not much travelling knowledge. I pertnear split a seam when he tried the drawl. Only experience they get around here comes from the movies and that's all the crap hollyweird put together.

    'That one's about as smart as a bag of hammers.'

    'You remind me of the south end of a north bound mule.'

    'I member you when you was knee high to a pissant.'

    'You look as happy as a hog in slop.'

    'If I had a dog as ugly as him, I'd shave it's butt and make it walk backwards.'

    Just to name a few. :D
  6. Minuteman

    Minuteman Chaplain Moderator Founding Member

    Those are pretty good. I like the dog walkin backwards!!Hadn't heard that one. I know what it's like to be around folks who only know southerners from the movies. I lived on the central coast 3 years and around Bakersfield for 2.

    The worst southern impression I ever seen in the movies was Dan Ackroyd in "Driving Miss Daisy". He kept trying to say "hyeer" as in "c'mon over hyeer". But it came out like an ass braying "heeyah".

    A southern comedian once said that to do a northern accent all you had to do was squench your butt cheeks together real tight.

    One I got asked about all the time was a coke. Like "Bring me back a coke from the store". Now any Southerner knows to ask what kind of coke. Cause all sodas are cokes. But to a Northerner there all "Pops".
    The only "Pop" we have in the South is when your Momma Pops you upside the head for sassin her.

    I got to go now cause I'm at work and I'm busier than a dog with two peckers tonight.
  7. TailorMadeHell

    TailorMadeHell Lurking Shadow Creature

    MM, sounds like ya may be busier than a one legged man in a butt kicking contest. :D
  8. Minuteman

    Minuteman Chaplain Moderator Founding Member

    I had a one legged waitress one time.

    That was the last time I ate at IHOP.
  9. CRC

    CRC Survivor of Tidal Waves | RIP 7-24-2015 Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    They left out the Plural Possessive "all y'alls" ;)

    I absolutely abhor that whenever they want to portray stupidity in the movies? Give 'em a fake Southern Accent....Never fails..

    Goober, Gomer...Barney....Oh , and those wonderful ole' Burt Reynolds movies with the Sherrif....and don't forget the Dukes of Hazard...and the list goes on and on...The stereotype of the Southern Sherrif with the mirrored shades saying "We don't need your kind round here, boy"..Please!
    The Chief of Police where I grew up in South Carolina? A black jew...who also happens to be a Rhodes Scholar....and flies all over the country, helping police depts put together a winning department...
    Rueben Greenberg...

    Mark Twain once said "Southerners speak music...." and I believe it..All the different dialects , from Gullah, to Cajun, to the Georgia drawl....all melodious and wonderful to listen to...
    There's this thing with words ...Southerners have love affairs with words..People think we speak slowly because we are slow..or naturally lazy...Not so.. We speak slower because our love of words is so great, we can't stand to part with them....:) You can caress them, polish them..and linger, lovingly, before allowing them to go on their way with a lilt, an inflection..that I haven't found anywhere else in our country...but that's just me. I have a love affair with the South.

    It doesn't mean I will always live here, but it will always live in me.

    And no, we don't ask if there are crazy people in your family...We ask what side they're on. You call it crazy...we tend to prefer eccentric...and we put them in a rocker , on the front porch , for God and everyone to see ...

    I think of Eudora Welty, Tennessee Williams, William Faulkner, Anne Tyler, Harper Lee, Pat Conroy, Anne River Siddons, and the list goes on...

    But we can do a passable imitation of slow and dumb for people that think that's how we are...(and we do...It is a source of great amusement for some of us....)

    and I have even heard all of these at one time or another..

    1. Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.
    2. It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.
    3. He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
    4. Have a cup of coffee, it's already been saucered and blowed.
    5. She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm.
    6. It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.
    7. My cow died last night so I don't need your bull.
    8. Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining.
    9. He's as country as cornbread.
    10. This is gooder'n grits.
    11. Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.
    12. If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.
  10. Minuteman

    Minuteman Chaplain Moderator Founding Member

    Spoken like a true Southern Belle. I bow and tip my hat to ya Maam.

    It's true that many people fall for the "goober" stereotype. There are a great many learned and prestigious Southerners.
    But like a favorite Southern comedian says...

    " Nobody wants a brain surgeon with a Southern drawl. You don't want to hear "Now this hyeers what we gonna do, we're gonna saw the top a yer head off and root around in ther till we find the problem.":D
  11. Minuteman

    Minuteman Chaplain Moderator Founding Member

  12. TailorMadeHell

    TailorMadeHell Lurking Shadow Creature

    Ah, the great inventions of the south. Gotta love 'em. Haha.

    Speaking of stretches, saw a stretch hummer limo the other day. It was turning from a four lane street onto a two lane street and almost took out a bunch of pedestrians, me included. That POS couldn't handle a turn for crap. You know you have two lanes heading north. One heading north or can turn west. The other lane turns west only. The limo was in the lane where you can head north or turn west. Even with it in that lane, it still couldn't have taken that turn if it had been doing anywhere near 25mph. It must have had to slow to a crawl to even take it, though the driver didn't let it get into the turn fully when he gunned it up and started down the street. I know one vehicle I'll never want to own. :D
  13. yonder

    yonder No Despot's Servant

  14. Seawolf1090

    Seawolf1090 Adventure Riding Monkey Founding Member

    My sister sometimes says of a dumb person, "He ain't got the brains God gave a dead goat." :)

    We use the "Sears Test" to determine how long a person has lived here.
    Recent (the last twenty years) immigrants know the Sears store in the Governor's Square Mall.
    If you remember the "Old Sears" on the Apalachee Parkway, you've been here forty years.
    Not man of us speak of "The Old, Old Sears" - uptown! ;)

    On my Navy ship, we southern boys wanted to keel haul a certain northern-born mess crank - he served us up that tasteless mush "Cream of Wheat", and had the unmitigated Yankee gall to call it "Grits"! Sheesh . . . :mad:
  15. MbRodge

    MbRodge Monkey+++

    Ever heard this one? "We've howdied, but we ain't shook." To describe someone you know, but aren't exactly friends with. I've got to say though the thing I miss the most about Texas, and the rest of the South, is how a handshake seals the deal, and the contract is the formality, not the other way around.
  16. E.L.

    E.L. Moderator of Lead Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    The key to this is that "Directly" is pronounced "Dreckly" Once when I was about five, my grandmother and I were waiting for my grandfather. She told me he would be along "dreckly." I asked how long "dreckly" was. She just laughed and said "in a little while."
  17. Rancher

    Rancher Specialist

    I feel like i've been drug through a knothole (or keyhole) backwards.
  18. Minuteman

    Minuteman Chaplain Moderator Founding Member

    There's a lot of phrases we use that we don't even realise. I didn't know "fixin to" was a southernism until some folks in California pointed it out.

    My daughter called me yesterday to tell me about her first tennis tournament. She told me she had got hit pretty hard in the ribs with a ball. But she said "I didn't take on too much, I didn't want my opponent to know how bad I was hurting."

    I never noticed that before but I had just been on here and had read this thread so I caught it.

    My wife is Southern too but she makes fun of me for saying "Done did".
  19. ghrit

    ghrit Ambulatory anachronism Administrator Founding Member

    Southerism? I caught that one from a Mainer. [dunno][booze]
  20. CRC

    CRC Survivor of Tidal Waves | RIP 7-24-2015 Moderator Emeritus Founding Member


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