Another groaner

An older gentleman was at the doctor for his annual physical. The doctor had ordered a blood panel and some other routine tests but was pleased to tell the old timer that he was in great shape. As he was wrapping things up he asked if the gentleman had any other concerns.

"As a matter of fact I do have something bothering me", he said. "Every morning in the shower I spontaneously break into song. But it's always the same song, 'What's New Pussycat'. Then at night just as I'm about to go to sleep another song runs through my head, over and over, every night I go to sleep with the 'Green Green Grass of Home' on my mind".

The doctor said, "Oh that's nothing to worry about it's just Tom Jones Syndrome. An annoying but harmless affliction."

"Really" queried the patient "You've heard of this before? Is it common?"

With a shrug the doctor said, "It's not unusual".

 

Daughter texts her friend. I’ve some kind of allergic reaction going on and my face is breaking out in a bad rash. My mom is freaking out and wants to take me to the ER. Dad was like “let’s not make any rash decisions!”

 

Yikes! now I have seen everything. I was putting gas in my car this morning when I noticed some crazy idiot pumping gas with a lit cigarette in his mouth. There were two cops nearby, but for some reason they did not really seem to care.
So I go in and I pay for my gas, and come back out to a bunch of commotion. The dude's arm is on fire and the fucker is frantically waving it in the air trying to extinguish the flames. The men in blur tackle him, put out the fire, cuff him, and put him in the back of a squad car.
Curious, I ask one of them on what charges they would be booking him, to which he deadpans, "waving a firearm in public".

 

FIRST AIR CONDITIONING IN A CAR. A TIMELY HISTORY.
The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

Here's a little fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends.
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented
and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the
temperature in Detroit was 97 F degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked
his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the
most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to
their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 F degrees
inside, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off almost
immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he
offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they
wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,'
on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

There was no way that Old man Ford was going to put the Goldberg's name on
two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4
million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --
Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

 

Wa, Wa, Waaaaaaaaa...

 

Guiltlessly stolen from another site --

A guy goes into his dentist’s office, because something is wrong with his mouth.

After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, “Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?”

“Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it... Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I’m talkin’ DELICIOUS! I’ve never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I’ve been putting it on everything... meat, fish, toast, vegetables... you name it!”

“That’s probably it,” replied the dentist “Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as though I’ll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time.”

“Why chrome?” the man asked.

“Well, everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!

 

Guy is walking along and sees a horse laying on the ground, unsuccessfully struggling to get up.
He says the the horse, "For goodness sakes, what's the matter?'
The horse cried out,





Scroll down..






Keep going..





Almost there..






"I've fallen and I can't giddyup!"

 

The Past, the Present, and the Future all walked into a bar.

The bartender says,







“What can I get you folks? You look all tensed up."

 

You are all aware of what the last three hairs on a dog's tail are called, I'm sure. But just in case there are members that suffer from not knowing, here is enlightenment --

The last three hairs on a dog's tail are called --



-





-


Dog hairs.

 

St. Paddy's day being tomorrow, it is only right that Pat and Mike get featured. So here's one I stole ---


Pat saw his old friend Mike on the street. He asked his friend why his right eye was black and blue and swollen shut. Mike told him he had seenus trouble. Pat asked if he meant sinus. Mike said no it was seenus. He said I was at a bar with a sweet young thing and my wife seen us.