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Another groaner

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by ghrit, Sep 14, 2017.

  1. ghrit

    ghrit Bad company Administrator Founding Member

    An older gentleman was at the doctor for his annual physical. The doctor had ordered a blood panel and some other routine tests but was pleased to tell the old timer that he was in great shape. As he was wrapping things up he asked if the gentleman had any other concerns.

    "As a matter of fact I do have something bothering me", he said. "Every morning in the shower I spontaneously break into song. But it's always the same song, 'What's New Pussycat'. Then at night just as I'm about to go to sleep another song runs through my head, over and over, every night I go to sleep with the 'Green Green Grass of Home' on my mind".

    The doctor said, "Oh that's nothing to worry about it's just Tom Jones Syndrome. An annoying but harmless affliction."

    "Really" queried the patient "You've heard of this before? Is it common?"

    With a shrug the doctor said, "It's not unusual".
    ochit, Capt. Tyree, VisuTrac and 16 others like this.
  2. OldDude49

    OldDude49 Just n old guy

    Seepalaces likes this.
  3. Altoidfishfins

    Altoidfishfins Monkey+++ Site Supporter+

    You're right - Groan.
    But you'd have to be of the "mature" generation to get it.
  4. Dunerunner

    Dunerunner Brewery Monkey Moderator

  5. snake6264

    snake6264 Combat flip flop douchebag

    So where exactly was the ooohhhhhh groan Nevermind
    Seepalaces likes this.
  6. ghrit

    ghrit Bad company Administrator Founding Member

    Daughter texts her friend. I’ve some kind of allergic reaction going on and my face is breaking out in a bad rash. My mom is freaking out and wants to take me to the ER. Dad was like “let’s not make any rash decisions!”
    3M-TA3, Seepalaces and Tully Mars like this.
  7. Tully Mars

    Tully Mars Metal weldin' monkey

    Dad jokes...
    Seepalaces and Yard Dart like this.
  8. ghrit

    ghrit Bad company Administrator Founding Member

    Yikes! now I have seen everything. I was putting gas in my car this morning when I noticed some crazy idiot pumping gas with a lit cigarette in his mouth. There were two cops nearby, but for some reason they did not really seem to care.
    So I go in and I pay for my gas, and come back out to a bunch of commotion. The dude's arm is on fire and the fucker is frantically waving it in the air trying to extinguish the flames. The men in blur tackle him, put out the fire, cuff him, and put him in the back of a squad car.
    Curious, I ask one of them on what charges they would be booking him, to which he deadpans, "waving a firearm in public".
    NVBeav, Gator 45/70, VisuTrac and 5 others like this.
  9. Cruisin Sloth

    Cruisin Sloth Special & Slow

    Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store.
    I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.


    I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous,
    almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.



    It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open.
    She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.

    With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice,
    “I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow,
    would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"


    I thought for a few seconds and asked,
    "What kind of beer you got?"

    ochit, SB21, Gator 45/70 and 10 others like this.
  10. ghrit

    ghrit Bad company Administrator Founding Member

    The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

    Here's a little fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends.
    The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented
    and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the
    temperature in Detroit was 97 F degrees.

    The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked
    his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the
    most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

    Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

    They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to
    their car.

    They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 F degrees
    inside, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off almost

    The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he
    offered them $3 million for the patent.

    The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they
    wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,'
    on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

    There was no way that Old man Ford was going to put the Goldberg's name on
    two million Fords.

    They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4
    million and that just their first names would be shown.

    And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --
    Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.
    ochit, NVBeav, Gator 45/70 and 7 others like this.
  11. Dunerunner

    Dunerunner Brewery Monkey Moderator

    Wa, Wa, Waaaaaaaaa... :p
    Tully Mars likes this.
  12. ghrit

    ghrit Bad company Administrator Founding Member

    Guiltlessly stolen from another site --

    A guy goes into his dentist’s office, because something is wrong with his mouth.

    After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, “Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?”

    “Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it... Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I’m talkin’ DELICIOUS! I’ve never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I’ve been putting it on everything... meat, fish, toast, vegetables... you name it!”

    “That’s probably it,” replied the dentist “Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as though I’ll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time.”

    “Why chrome?” the man asked.

    “Well, everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!
  13. Seawolf1090

    Seawolf1090 Retired Curmudgeonly IT Monkey Founding Member

    GROAN.......... :oops:
    Tully Mars likes this.
  14. Witch Doctor 01

    Witch Doctor 01 Mojo Maker

    A woman left her baby in the back seat of her car with the engine running next to a similar vehicle with the engine also running as she went into a seven eleven for a coke... as she waited in line the drunk in front of her purchased a case of beer walked out the door and threw in in the back of her car on top of the baby, thinking it was his car.... The mother ran our screaming about the baby ...
    The drunk was able to calm her down... He told her that it was ok the baby was not injured... the woman asked him how he knew the baby was ok? He told her it couldn't have been injured... it was light beer.....
    NVBeav likes this.
  15. ghrit

    ghrit Bad company Administrator Founding Member

    Guy is walking along and sees a horse laying on the ground, unsuccessfully struggling to get up.
    He says the the horse, "For goodness sakes, what's the matter?'
    The horse cried out,

    Scroll down..

    Keep going..

    Almost there..

    "I've fallen and I can't giddyup!"
    3M-TA3 likes this.
  16. Cruisin Sloth

    Cruisin Sloth Special & Slow

    I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night,
    Scroll down..

    Keep going..

    Keep going..

    Almost there..

    or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
    ochit and 3M-TA3 like this.
  17. Cruisin Sloth

    Cruisin Sloth Special & Slow

    An airplane was in serious trouble and was about to crash.

    There were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

    The first passenger said: "I am Stephen Harper, the prime minister of Canada. The country needs me to continue the work I've been doing.

    I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

    The second passenger said: "I am Justin Trudeau and I am the leader of the Liberal party, and the next prime minister of Canada.

    The country needs me to undo the damage that Harper has done to our Canadian values." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.

    The third passenger, a woman, said: "I am Pauline Marois, da premier hof Quebec.

    Da peoples of hour 'Belle Province' don'ts wants me to die beecause dey wants da French language to be law and have deir hown country.

    " So she took the third parachute and jumped out of the plane.

    The last two remaining passengers were a 90-year-old decorated World War II veteran and a 10-year-old schoolgirl.

    The vet said "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

    To which the little girl replied:
    "That's OK sir, there are still two parachutes left. Although it was clearly written in English, that lady from Quebec took my schoolbag."
    3M-TA3, 3cyl, oldawg and 4 others like this.
  18. ghrit

    ghrit Bad company Administrator Founding Member

    The Past, the Present, and the Future all walked into a bar.

    The bartender says,

    “What can I get you folks? You look all tensed up."
    3M-TA3 likes this.
  19. ghrit

    ghrit Bad company Administrator Founding Member

    You are all aware of what the last three hairs on a dog's tail are called, I'm sure. But just in case there are members that suffer from not knowing, here is enlightenment --

    The last three hairs on a dog's tail are called --



    Dog hairs.
  20. ghrit

    ghrit Bad company Administrator Founding Member

    St. Paddy's day being tomorrow, it is only right that Pat and Mike get featured. So here's one I stole ---

    Pat saw his old friend Mike on the street. He asked his friend why his right eye was black and blue and swollen shut. Mike told him he had seenus trouble. Pat asked if he meant sinus. Mike said no it was seenus. He said I was at a bar with a sweet young thing and my wife seen us.
    3M-TA3 likes this.
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