A 110-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never felt better," he replies. I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season but one day he's in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises his umbrella, points it at the beaver, squeezes the handle, and BAM! the beaver drops dead in front of him." That's impossible," said the old man in disbelief, "someone else must have shot that beaver!" "Exactly", said the doctor. " A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing. His eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out is mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "Okay, now what?" "
2 more The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys." I told Deb that I would be home by midnight...promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 3:00 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. The next morning, Deb asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh shit,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted." Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is." They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise." They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise." The two struggled to drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!" "Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
Most of us have now learned to live with "voice mail" as a necessary as part of our daily lives. But have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following: Thank you for calling Heaven. For English, press 1. For Spanish, press 2. For all other languages, press 0. Please select one of the following options: Press 1 for Requests. Press 2 for Thanksgiving. Press 3 for Complaints. Press 4 for all other inquiries. I am sorry; all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us, and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line. If you would like to speak to: God, press 1. Jesus, press 2. Holy Spirit, press 3. If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, press 4. To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then enter his or her social security number, followed by the "pound" sign. (If you receive a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666). For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N, followed by the numbers 3-1-6. For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive. Our computers show that you have already prayed today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow. The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray again on Monday after 9:30 am. If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor. Thank you, and have a heavenly day. [Ring] Thank you for calling the 26th Division's automated artillery support request line. Your call is very important to us. Please be assured that we will attempt to assist you with all available resources in the shortest time possible. For close air support, please call the U.S. Air Force at 1-800-BOMBNOW. [In enemy language: If you are a member of the [enemy country] army, we will not be able to assist you. Please contact your own army's artillery support request line at 1-800-DIEYANK] If you are attacking a fixed enemy position, please press 1. If you are engaged in strategic withdrawal, please press 2. If you are defending a fixed position, please press 3. If you are setting up a hasty defense or are about to be overrun, please press 4. If you wish to cancel a prior fire mission request, please press 5. Press the star key at any time to return to the main menu. Please select the type of fire mission you would like. If you would like 81 mm. mortars, please press 1. If you would like 105 mm. howitzers, please press 2. If you would like advanced munitions, such as fuel-oil explosives or scattering mines, please press 3 to speak with one of our soldier advocates. If you would like to request the use of chemical, biological or nuclear weapons, please press 4 and hold the line. The Secretary of Defense will speak with you as soon as possible. Enter the map coordinates of the target you would like to strike, followed by the pound sign. Please remember to verify your coordinates and remember that your request may take several minutes to process. [Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep] You have entered co-ordinates 323451. If this is correct, please press 1. Thank you. Please enter your battalion passcode, followed by the pound sign. As soon as we verify your passcode, we will begin processing your request. If you have forgotten your passcode, please contact 1-800-I-FORGOT to get a temporary passcode. Please enter your passcode now. [Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep] Thank you. [Pause] Your passcode has been verified and your request will be processed. Your fire mission control number is 4968377. Please retain this number in case you need to cancel your request. We strongly suggest that you and your comrades take cover as soon as possible. Thank you for using the 26th Division's artillery request support line.
