20 things it took me 50 years to learn...

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by CRC, Nov 26, 2005.

  1. CRC

    CRC Survivor of Tidal Waves | RIP 7-24-2015 Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping
    pill and a laxative on the same night.

    2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why
    the human race has not achieved its full potential,
    that word would be "meetings."

    3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and
    "mental illness"

    4. People who want to share their religious views with
    you almost never want you to share yours with them.

    5. And when God, who created the entire universe with
    all of its glories decides to deliver a message to
    humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person
    on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

    6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

    7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to

    take it too seriously.

    8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is
    always one individual who perceives a solution and is
    willing to take command. Very often, that individual
    is crazy.

    9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up
    and dance. If anybody cares how you dance, feel sorry
    for them. They need to get a life and learn how to
    have fun. And notice that people who dance and cut
    loose once in a while, usually live longer.

    10. Never lick a steak knife.

    11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

    12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

    13. You will never find anybody who can give you a
    clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight
    savings time.

    14. You should never say anything to a woman that even
    remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless
    you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that

    15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting
    other people to make a big deal about your birthday.
    That time is age eleven.

    16. The one thing that unites all human beings,
    regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status
    or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we
    ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

    17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized
    protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

    18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the
    waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important.
    Pay attention. It never fails.)

    19. Don't think that because a person is having fun,
    they are drinking to excess. Some people have fun
    naturally given the moment and you need to find out
    how they do it.

    20. Your friends love you anyway.
  2. ghostrider

    ghostrider Resident Poltergeist Founding Member

  3. TailorMadeHell

    TailorMadeHell Lurking Shadow Creature

    20 And 1....

    'No matter how many times people make something idiot-proof, someone makes a better idiot.'
  4. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

    Did that... once. Yikes!
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