2006 Stella Awards

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by kckndrgn, Feb 28, 2007.

  1. kckndrgn

    kckndrgn Monkey+++ Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    [SIZE=+2]The 2006 True Stella Awards[/SIZE]

    Issued 31 January 2007

    (Click here to
    confirm these are legitimate.
    [SIZE=+3]#5:[/SIZE] Marcy Meckler. While shopping at
    a mall, Meckler stepped outside and was "attacked" by a squirrel that
    lived among the trees and bushes. And "while frantically attempting
    to escape from the squirrel and detach it from her leg, [Meckler]
    fell and suffered severe injuries," her resulting lawsuit says.
    That's the mall's fault, the lawsuit claims, demanding in excess of
    $50,000, based on the mall's "failure to warn" her that squirrels
    live outside.

    [SIZE=+3]#4:[/SIZE] Ron and Kristie Simmons. The
    couple's 4-year-old son, Justin, was killed in a tragic lawnmower
    accident in a licensed daycare facility, and the death was clearly
    the result of negligence by the daycare providers. The providers were
    clearly deserving of being sued, yet when the Simmons's discovered
    the daycare only had $100,000 in insurance, they dropped the case
    against them and instead sued the manufacturer of the 16-year-old
    lawn mower because the mower didn't have a safety device that 1) had
    not been invented at the time of the mower's manufacture, and 2) no
    safety agency had even suggested needed to be invented. A sympathetic
    jury still awarded the family $2 million.

    [SIZE=+3]#3:[/SIZE] Robert Clymer. An FBI agent
    working a high-profile case in Las Vegas, Clymer allegedly created a
    disturbance, lost the magazine from his pistol, then crashed his
    pickup truck in a drunken stupor -- his blood-alcohol level was 0.306
    percent, more than three times the legal limit for driving in Nevada.
    He pled guilty to drunk driving because, his lawyer explained, "With
    public officials, we expect them to own up to their mistakes and
    correct them." Yet Clymer had the gall to sue the manufacturer of his
    pickup truck, and the dealer he bought it from, because he "somehow
    lost consciousness" and the truck "somehow produced a heavy smoke
    that filled the passenger cab." Yep: the drunk-driving accident
    wasn't his fault, but the truck's fault. Just the kind of guy you
    want carrying a gun in the name of the law.

    [SIZE=+3]#2:[/SIZE] KinderStart.com. The specialty
    search engine says Google should be forced to include the KinderStart
    site in its listings, reveal how its "Page Rank" system works, and
    pay them lots of money because they're a competitor. They claim by
    not being ranked higher in Google, Google is somehow infringing
    KinderStart's Constitutional right to free speech. Even if by some
    stretch they were a competitor of Google, why in the world would they
    think it's Google's responsibility to help them succeed? And if
    Google's "review" of their site is negative, wouldn't a government
    court order forcing them to change it infringe on Google's
    Constitutional right to free speech?

    [SIZE=+3]And the winner[/SIZE] of the 2006 True Stella
    Allen Ray Heckard. Even though Heckard is 3 inches
    shorter, 25 pounds lighter, and 8 years older than former basketball
    star Michael Jordan, the Portland, Oregon, man says he looks a lot
    like Jordan, and is often confused for him -- and thus he deserves
    $52 million "for defamation and permanent injury" -- plus $364
    million in "punitive damage for emotional pain and suffering", plus
    the SAME amount from Nike co-founder Phil Knight, for a grand total
    of $832 million. He dropped the suit after Nike's lawyers chatted
    with him, where they presumably explained how they'd counter-sue if
    he pressed on.

    ©2007 by Randy Cassingham,

    . Reprinted with permission.
  2. kckndrgn

    kckndrgn Monkey+++ Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    2005 Stella Awards

    The TRUE Stella Awards -- 2005 Winners
    by Randy Cassingham
    Issued 31 January 2006

    Unlike the FAKE cases that have been highly circulated online for the
    last several years (see http://www.StellaAwards.com/bogus.html for
    details), the following cases have been researched from public sources
    and are confirmed TRUE by the ONLY legitimate source for the Stella
    Awards: www.StellaAwards.com . To confirm this copy is legitimate, see


    2005 Runners-Up and Winner:

    #7: Bob Dougherty. A prankster smeared glue on the toilet seat at the
    Home Depot store in Louisville, Colo., causing Dougherty to stick to
    it when he sat down. "This is not Home Depot's fault," he proclaimed,
    yet the store graciously offered him $2,000 anyway. Dougherty
    complained that offer is "insulting" and filed suit demanding $3

    #6: Barbara Connors of Medfield, Mass. Connors was riding in a car driven
    by her 70-year-old(!) son-in-law when they crashed into the
    Connecticut River, and Connors sank with the car. Rescue divers
    arrived within minutes and got her out alive, but Connors suffered
    brain damage from her near-drowning. Sue the driver? Sure, we guess
    that's reasonable. But she also sued the brave rescue workers who
    risked their lives to save hers.

    #5: Michelle Knepper of Vancouver, Wash. Knepper picked a doctor out of
    the phone book to do her liposuction, and went ahead with the
    procedure even though the doctor was only a dermatologist, not a
    plastic surgeon. After having complications, she complained she never
    would have chosen that doctor had she known he wasn't Board Certified
    in the procedure. (She relied on the phonebook listing over asking the
    doctor, or looking for a certificate on his wall?!) So she sued ...the
    phone company! She won $1.2 million PLUS $375,000 for her husband for
    "loss of spousal services and companionship."

    #4: Rhonda Nichols. She says a wild bird "attacked" her outside a home
    improvement store in Fairview Heights, Ill., causing head injuries.
    That's right: OUTSIDE the store. Yet Nichols still held the Lowe's
    store responsible for "allowing" wild birds to fly around free in the
    air. She never reported the incident to the store, but still sued for
    "at least" $100,000 in damages. In January 2006, the case was thrown
    out of court.

    #3: Barnard Lorence of Stuart, Fla. Lorence managed to overdraw his own
    bank account. When the bank charged him a service fee for the
    overdraft, he filed suit over his "stress and pain" and loss of sleep
    over the fee. A few hundred thousand bucks, he says, will only amount
    to a "slap on the wrist", whereas the $2 million he's suing for is
    more like being "paddled". Kinky!

    #2: Wanita "Renea" Young of Durango, Colo. Two neighborhood teens baked
    cookies for their neighbors as an anonymous gesture of good will, but
    Young got scared when she heard them on her front porch. They
    apologized, in writing, but Young sued them anyway for causing her
    distress, demanding $3,000. When she won(!!) $900, she crowed about it
    in the newspaper and on national TV. Now, she's shocked (shocked!)
    that everyone in town hates her for her spite, and is afraid she may
    have to move. But hey: she won.

    AND THE WINNER of the 2005 Stella Award: Christopher Roller of
    Burnsville, Minn. Roller is mystified by professional magicians, so he
    sued David Blaine and David Copperfield to demand they reveal their
    secrets to him -- or else pay him 10 percent of their lifelong
    earnings, which he figures amounts to $50 million for Copperfield and
    $2 million for Blaine. The basis for his suit: Roller claims that the
    magicians defy the laws of physics, and thus must be using "godly
    powers" -- and since ROLLER is god (according to him), they're
    "somehow" stealing that power from him.

    TO CONFIRM THE VALIDITY OF THESE CASES, get more information on the True
    Stella Awards, or sign up for a free e-mail subscription to new cases
    as they are issued, see http://www.StellaAwards.com/2005.html

    Copyright 2006 www.StellaAwards.com . This message may be forwarded as
    long as it remains complete and unaltered.
  3. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

    Saw this guy on the news. He doesn't look that much like Jordan ('cept for skin color).
  4. Blackjack

    Blackjack Monkey+++

    Truly amazing.
  5. Gallowglass

    Gallowglass Winter is coming

    Disgusting. At least we can all take solace in the fact that when SHTF these idiots will be first up against the wall.
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