2011 Darwin Award winners.

It's with great pleasure that I announce.....
it's that time again....The Darwin Awards are out! These Annual Honors
are given to the persons who did the human gene pool the biggest
service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

You may recall that last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by
a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to
tip a free soda out.


Semifinalist #1

A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited
into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire
burned his house down, killing both he and his sister.

Semifinalist #2

Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft
and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants
around their ankles.

Semifinalist #3

A 22-year-old Reston , VA man was found dead after he tried to use
octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax
County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of
these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the
other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park , jumped and hit the
pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police
spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car
was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was
greater than the distance between the trestle and the concrete,"
Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major
trauma."

Semifinalist #4

A man in Alabama died from numerous rattlesnake bites. It seems that he
and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a
ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was
hospitalized, but lived.

Semifinalist #5

Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell
of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building,
extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas
company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they
had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of
the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the
technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that
resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like
object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to
three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter
was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of
causing
the blast had never been thought of as ''especially bright'' by his
peers.


And now the winner of this year's Darwin Award; as always, awarded
posthumously;

THE 2011 WINNER!

Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in
the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The
wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The
type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.

Police investigators finally pieced together
the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist had somehow gotten hold of a
JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off...actually a solid-fuel rocket) that
is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for
taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out
into the desert and
found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to
the car,
jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best could be determined are that the operator of the 1967
Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles
from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted
asphalt at that location.

The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust
within 5
seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph
and continuing at full power for an additional 20 -25 seconds.

The driver, and soon-to-be pilot, would have experienced G-forces
usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners,
causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event.
However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5
miles
(15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the
brakes,
blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface,
then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the
cliff face at a height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened crater 3 feet
deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground
speed of
approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on
the ground.

Really.....we couldn't make this stuff up and remember these people are
all around us and they have kids and they vote!

 

Some jokes are funny once, some funny forever. This one is good once a year.