a few for the holiday

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by Seacowboys, Jul 5, 2008.

  1. Seacowboys

    Seacowboys Senior Member Founding Member

    I became confused when I heard these terms which reference the word

    Internal Revenue 'Service'

    U.S. Postal 'Service'

    Telephone 'Service'

    T.V. 'Service'

    Civil 'Service'

    City & County Public 'Service'

    Customer 'Service'

    This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two
    farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a
    few cows. BAM!!! It all came into perspective. I now understand what all
    those 'service' agencies are doing to us.

    I hope you are as enlightened as I am.
    Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

    One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'

    The other replies, 'Oh, sure I do.'

    The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'

    The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'

    After a few moments, the first old lady asks,

    'Who drives you to the beach?'


    Three old ladies were sitting side by side on patio chairs at their
    Orlando retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled from years
    past shopping at the local Piggly Wiggly and demonstrated with her
    hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a

    The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger
    and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could
    buy for a penny a piece.

    The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I
    remember the guy you're talking about.

    A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a
    Florida Adult community.

    A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a
    few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'

    He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'

    'So, where were you all these years?'

    'In prison,' he says.

    'Why did they put you in prison?'

    He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'

    'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'


    Two elderly people living in a Port Charlotte Retirement Community, he
    was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of
    years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the

    The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal
    went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the
    courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'

    After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes.
    Yes, I will!'

    The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to
    their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say
    'yes' or did she say 'no'?'

    He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall.. Not
    even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and
    called her.

    First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then
    he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more
    courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say
    ' Yes' or did you say 'No'?'

    He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will.' and
    I meant it with all my heart' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad
    that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'

    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    A man was telling his neighbor in Sun City Center , 'I just bought a
    new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of
    the art. It's perfect.'

    'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'

    'Twelve thirty'

    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    Morris, an 82 year-old man in Miami , went to the doctor at the local
    Medical Clinic to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw
    Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

    A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're
    really doing great, aren't you?'

    'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma' and 'be
    cheerful.'',Morris replied.

    To which doctor said, 'I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a
    heart murmur, be careful!'

    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream
    parlor in Leesburg, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a

    After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked
    kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

    'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids'!
  2. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

    [LMAO][LMAO]Who drives you to the beach[LMAO][LMAO]
  3. CRC

    CRC Survivor of Tidal Waves | RIP 7-24-2015 Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    LMAO! [ROFL]
  4. NVBeav

    NVBeav Monkey+++


    I've got to remember to show my wife this one...
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