Original Work A fun set of shorts - short stories that is

Discussion in 'Survival Reading Room' started by DKR, Jun 14, 2014.


  1. DKR

    DKR Interesting ideas, interesting stories

    **
     
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2014
  2. kellory

    kellory An unemployed Jester, is nobody's fool. Banned

    Good, so far. Possible typo in The Lottery. "it took the rest of the rest of the day, to make his way back..."
     
  3. DKR

    DKR Interesting ideas, interesting stories

    Thanks Kellory - it was a deliberate attempt at turning a phrase. It seemed better than than using - "It took the last of what remained of the afternoon to make it back to the..."

    Wuddu think? The story work for you? I was hoping for more feedback. PM would work, or post it here, I've got pretty thick skin....
     
  4. kellory

    kellory An unemployed Jester, is nobody's fool. Banned

    Pretty good so far. Language a bit corse for this site. Where did he get the lock and shower supplies? Explosives? What was the trigger, removing the chain? Would you really sit on that wallet knowing what was in it? Grenade would be simpler, and multi-use. Little things.
     
  5. DKR

    DKR Interesting ideas, interesting stories

    Yah, had the language pointed out to me - went back and ***** it all up. Got a little too deep into the Vetspeak.

    Plastic is pretty inert, just like modeling clay. Pull the chain (pin) wait for the fuse to pop... The idea was to make the story a little more 'fun'...

    Thanks for reading and making a comment.
     
    kellory likes this.
  6. kellory

    kellory An unemployed Jester, is nobody's fool. Banned

    You sure that thing is not a terrorier? ;)
     
  7. kellory

    kellory An unemployed Jester, is nobody's fool. Banned

    Two legged, Or four legged?;)
     
  8. Sapper John

    Sapper John Analog Monkey in a Digital World

    Excellent work DKR !
     
  9. kellory

    kellory An unemployed Jester, is nobody's fool. Banned

    Can't wait for the cover art....;)
     
  10. kellory

    kellory An unemployed Jester, is nobody's fool. Banned

    Two places where a word was missing, but overall a good read.
     
  11. chelloveck

    chelloveck Diabolus Causidicus

    I ate you @kellory....now I'm going to ave'ta find the missing words!.....going to ave'ta fix a couple of sticking keys on my keyboard also.[OO]
     
  12. kellory

    kellory An unemployed Jester, is nobody's fool. Banned

    Yes, yes you will. (And I still have a book for you if you ever send the mailing address.:rolleyes:)
     
    jollyrodger13 and chelloveck like this.
  13. DKR

    DKR Interesting ideas, interesting stories

    LOL

    Thanks, this is a first draft. In the future, if you could ID the sentences, I can get them fixed right away. Thanks for reading and making a comment.
     
  14. kellory

    kellory An unemployed Jester, is nobody's fool. Banned

    Don't worry about it....chello will now have to find them;)
     
    chelloveck likes this.
  15. chelloveck

    chelloveck Diabolus Causidicus

    Since the Chinese lost much of their holdings in Africa to the plague or related population collapse, they'd been making a play for territory in the Union's backyard.

    Word came down from the Big Army that...technique was becoming too expensive. amend to - Word came down from the Big Army: that technique was becoming too expensive. (or alternatively) Word came down from the Big Army... that technique was becoming too expensive.

    I took a nap, figuring the team would be back before full dark and we could lose some altitude prior (to) a halt. (not sure if this is actually a missing word or just maintaining Roscoe's style of expression. it probably doesn't matter much either way...the word "to" is implicit in the sentence and the reader will probably unconsciously interpolate it anyway as they read it.)

    I was always careful to set out some water for the Cee Dees in a square of plastic scrap I carried if we weren't (at) a good water point.

    "Whoa. Hold on. What's wrong?" Sometimes it take s me a second to catch on (amend to) "Whoa. Hold on. What's wrong?" Sometimes it takes me a second to catch on

    And the was kid missing everything, including his weapon. (amend to) And the kid was missing everything, including his weapon.


    What stores she told anyone else didn't matter. (amend to) What stories she told anyone else didn't matter.

    Despite suggestions to the contrary...I'm not anal retentive...I used to do some occasional proof reading when I worked in printing pre-production in the printing industry. I didn't get any more pay for it, but it saved my boss quite a bit of money when the copy submitted by the clients was dodgy.






     
    Last edited: Jun 30, 2014
  16. kellory

    kellory An unemployed Jester, is nobody's fool. Banned

    :lol:I told you he couldn't leave it alone!!! Ha, Ha, ha........and yes, @chelloveck , you found most of them.
     
  17. chelloveck

    chelloveck Diabolus Causidicus

    Proof reading isn't nearly as much fun as reading for pleasure...but a commitment, even if expressed in jest, is still a commitment.
     
  18. ghrit

    ghrit Ambulatory anachronism Administrator Founding Member

    PUH-Leeze, chelly, do it by PM. All that destroys the continuity of the story line.
     
  19. chelloveck

    chelloveck Diabolus Causidicus

    Wilco.

    I have PM'd DKR the content of my post #25, so you are quite welcome to delete posts #25, #27, #28 and #29 at your convenience. I can't speak for kell....but I'm sure that he won't mind the cross talk in post #26 going also...but that's up to him.
     
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2014
    kellory likes this.
  20. kellory

    kellory An unemployed Jester, is nobody's fool. Banned

    Delete away. I don't mind. Good story so far.
     
    chelloveck likes this.
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