A History of Mankind

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by 3M-TA3, Jul 27, 2016.

  1. 3M-TA3

    3M-TA3 Cold Wet Monkey Site Supporter++

    A History of Mankind

    Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter. The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. Beer required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

    The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.

    These two were the foundation of modern civilization and together they were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: 1. Liberals; and 2. Conservatives.

    Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

    Other men who were less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men evolved into women. Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

    Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.

    Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons. Modern Liberals like "Lite" beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and vegan are standard Liberal fare.

    Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists and community organizers are Liberals. Liberals meddled in our national pastime and invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

    Conservatives drink real beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, Athletes, members of the military, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

    Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. Liberals crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

    Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to other true believers and to just tick off more liberals. And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.

    As for me, after I thoroughly piss off my liberal friends, I'm going to have a nice fat sirloin burger & a real beer (Yuengling Lager - from AMERICA's oldest brewery) w/ several Kentucky Bourbon chasers (Wild Turkey Rare Breed or Blantons Single Barrel) ...
    Aeason, GOG, Ura-Ki and 7 others like this.
  2. Yard Dart

    Yard Dart Vigilant Monkey Moderator

    [beer][beer] [beer][beer][beer][beer][beer]
    Aeason, Sgt Nambu and Taku like this.
  3. techsar

    techsar Monkey+++

    I don't watch the pansies prance and pretend to be worthy of us...so my BP stays around 95 over 58...have another beer [beer]
  4. Ganado

    Ganado Monkey+++

    You boys oniw that Women invented beer?

    So this story is kind of like Hillary and her half truths :lol:
    Aeason, Ura-Ki and Sgt Nambu like this.
  5. duane

    duane Monkey+++

    In my house I wear the pants Ganado, I will however admit that my wife, bless her soul, buys them, cleans and folds them, and tells me which one to wear, good ones to work, dress ones to church, old ones to chainsaw etc. 30 plus years of a good marriage have convinced me that there are times to pick your battles, and usually in retrospect they should have been avoided and usually it is a good thing to listen first and argue later. As the above history indicates it really helps when the other party wants a solution and doesn't think that they have a God given right to their "share" of your beer and steak and the right to tell you how to catch, cook, and eat it. At my age I find it necessary to water the beer, no da** "lite" for me and eat hamburger.
    Aeason, Ura-Ki, Ganado and 2 others like this.
  6. Sgt Nambu

    Sgt Nambu RIP 4/19/2018

    Boy, Taku! You have more nerve than I! That's taking "Know Thy Enemy" to a whole new level!
    Aeason, Ura-Ki, 3M-TA3 and 1 other person like this.
  7. Ura-Ki

    Ura-Ki Grampa Monkey

    I couldn't hear the speeches over the sound of beer tabs and the crackling of the BBQ,while playing Twisted Sister's Burn In Hell over an over! Blood pressure didn't spike once!
    Sgt Nambu, Aeason and GOG like this.
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