1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says: "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger. 2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. 4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during the root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication. 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. But why? they asked, as they moved off. Because, he said, I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer. 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal. 8. These friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him . what? (Oh, man this is so bad, it's good). A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
We all know that Columbus believed the world was round when others believed it was flat and that if you travelled far enough you would go over the edge. We also know that Columbus reached what we now know as America. While there are still a few who believe Columbus returned to Spain and told Queen Isabella that he discovered a new world, most believe he had told her he had reached India. Recently documents written by Queen Isabella's official scribe were uncovered revealing what Columbus actually said on returning from his first voyage. His first words were, "I'll bet I'm the first man who ever got nineteen hundred miles on a galleon." Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always cry "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other. A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What did they do that for?" The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of...an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?" One day at the watering hole, an elephant looked around and carefully surveyed the turtles in view. After a few seconds thought, he walked over to one turtle, raised his foot, and KICKED the turtle as far as he could. (Nearly a mile) A watching hyena asked the elephant why he did it? "Well, about 30 years ago I was walking through a stream and a turtle bit my foot. Finally I found the S.O.B and repaid him for what he had done to me." "30 years!!! And you remembered...But HOW???" "I have turtle recall." A young man was in love with a lovely young lady but unfortunately she did not feel the same way about him. In desperation he went and visited a group of witches searching for a love potion. They informed him that they no longer provided such an item. It was highly unethical to administer a potion to someone without her permission. They did have an alternate solution however. They sold him a bottle of small white pellets. He was to bury one in her yard every night at midnight for a month. He returned to the witches six weeks later excited and thankful. He and the young lady were to wed in a month. The witch told him, ..."Nothin' says lovin' like something from a coven, and pills buried say it best." In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub owners little dog being around the bar, so were quite upset when one day the little dog died. Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's wagging tail. The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the pearly gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going. The little dog said, "I have been a good dog - so I am going into heaven where I belong!". Saint Peter replied, "Heaven is a place of perfection, you can not come into heaven without a tail, where is your tail?" The little dog explained what had happened back on earth. St Peter told the little dog to go back down to earth and retrieve his tail. The little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night on earth, but St Peter would not change his mind. So the little dog went back down to earth and scratched on the door of the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs came down and opened the door. "My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I do for you?", asked the bartender. The little dog explained that he wasn't allowed into heaven without his tail, and he needed it back. The bartender replied, "I would really like to help you, but my liquor license doesn't allow me to retail spirits after hours!" A botanist had just returned from an expedition to the South Pacific Islands and was dicussing their adventures with their colleagues back at the university where they taught. "What was the most exciting discovery you found there?", asked a fellow professor. One of them replied, "The people native to this one island had discovered the most amazing cure for constipation. Using only the leafs of the local palm trees they concocted a suppository which quickly cured the ailment." Another professor asked, "A palm leaf suppository? Did it really work?" Replied the botanist, "With fronds like these...who needs enemas." The proprietor of a big aquarium was terribly upset and called over her assistant. "We have a bunch of school children coming over tomorrow, and I just looked in and those horny dolphins are continuously mating. We can't let the kids see that." "What can we do about it?" the assistant asked. "The only thing that will make them stop is to feed them baby seagulls," She replied. "You'll have to go get them, but it won't be easy. There's a bunch of them at the city zoo. You'll have to break in tonight, grab the little birds and bring them back here. But be careful. There's a stony faced old lion who guards the birdhouse at the zoo and he'd eat you if you make too much noise." That night, the aquarium assistant sneaks into the zoo, quietly enters the bird house, and makes off with a sack full of baby seagulls. He's outside the zoo and about to head back to the office with his booty when suddenly there are cops everywhere. Surprised at being caught, he asks an officer what he's charged with. "Don't you know?" said the cop, "Transporting young gulls across a staid lion for immoral porpoises!" A marine biologist at the University or New Brunswick was working on a system that would allow humans to talk to fish, and fish to talk with humans. One day, after many years of working in the lab, the system is ready for field testing. The scientist takes his gear down to a local salmon stream and sets it up. Lo and behold, the system worked! Our hero began talking with the salmon in the stream and the salmon began talking with the scientist. The scientist noticed one particular salmon that looked a little different from the rest. This salmon was a deeper reddish brown than the others, so he nick-named him Rusty. The scientist then struck up quite a friendship with Rusty. Rusty told the scientist what it was like to be a fish, and the scientist told Rusty what it was like to be a human being. One day, after two seasons by the stream, Rusty said, "It's time for me to leave for the ocean." The marine biologist responded, "NO Rusty! You can't! Do you know how dangerous the trip will be? Do you know that the return rate for your species is about 2%? Do you know that there are many dangers you will have to face on the journey -- Fishermen, sharks and pollution to name a few." "Look" said Rusty, "A salmon's gotta do what a salmon's gotta do." So off he went. Two years later, the scientist is still working by the same stream, when he hears a familiar voice from the past. Rusty had returned! The two of them quickly became reaquainted. "You know, you were right about all the dangers" said Rusty. "I lost track of the number of times that I was almost caught in some fisherman's net. I lost track of the number of times that I was almost eaten by sharks. But let me tell you," Rusty continued, "about the amazing sights I witnessed." "Tell me what you saw!" said the scientist excitedly. "The ship wrecks were incredible!" The scientist explained to Rusty about the large number of ships that were sunk in the North Atlantic. "Well one ship I saw, the Titanic, was really fantastic! It was just gorgeous! We swam all through it, up the grand staircases, down into the dining salons! It was so moving that I decided to write some poetry about it." "It must be really beautiful stuff" said the scientist. "I know it is. Maybe you could help me get it published?", said Rusty. "Sure" said the scientist, "Do you have a title for your poems?" "Yes -- Salmon Rusty's Titanic Verses!"
