Air Traffic Control humor-- pretty funny!

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by sniper-66, Jan 15, 2006.

  1. sniper-66

    sniper-66 Monkey+++ Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
    Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

    Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
    TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
    Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

    From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm bored!"
    Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
    Unknown aircraft: "I said I was bored, not stupid!"

    O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
    United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

    A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
    Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

    A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

    There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
    "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach"

    A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the
    Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
    Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
    Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
    Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because
    you lost the bloody war!"

    Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
    Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after
    we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
    Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
    Departure on frequency 124.7 Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
    BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

    One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of
    the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned
    around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in
    the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you
    make it all by yourself?"
    The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

    The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
    Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
    Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
    The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
    Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
    Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
    Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been
    to Frankfurt before?"
    Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

    While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
    "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto
    Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
    difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
    hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever
    to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
    You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I
    want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell
    you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
    "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
    Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
    silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance
    engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension
    in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then
    an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
    "Wasn't I married to you once?"
  2. Conagher

    Conagher Dark Custom Rider Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    :lol: [ROFL] :D
  3. monkeyman

    monkeyman Monkey+++ Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    Kind of like the one where Satan comes to the old man and dose his best to frighten him with how badly he is going to torment him and how horrible he can make his eternity and when the old man absolutely cant be made to fear anything Satan can do to him Satan realizes the guy must have been maried and gives up.
    I can understand those jokes at times. lol [peep]
  4. BigUglyOne

    BigUglyOne Monkey+++ Founding Member

    I understand EVERTIME !! [smsh]
  5. ghrit

    ghrit Bad company Administrator Founding Member

    Oh, Lord, me too!!! :shock:
  6. sniper-66

    sniper-66 Monkey+++ Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    Yes, if you have ever had to deal with ATC, you find the humor in all of them all the time! When I was in Flight School, my stick buddy and I were on solo day. This is where the family comes out and watches you do solo paterns. Well, Good Ol Sniper forgot that the radio was transmitted to the stands so the families could hear the radio calls.
    Because everyone wanted the inside lanes so they could show mom, pop, wife, kids and the world that they could fly, it made for a crappy pattern. My stick buddy and I neither one had family and since we didn't, tended to not pay attention to the families in the stands. As we were taking off, I stomped on the intercom switch and said with much vim and vigor; "This is about as fucked up as it gets"
    Immediately, the Tower guy came back and said; "Who said that?" Immediately, everyone jumped on the radio and started to disavow any knowledge. That is where I quickly learned that the intercom switch is also the transmit switch when the radio selector is on anything other than intercom! I made my obligatory, "Not 47K" and learned a valuable lesson that day......... Never admit to anything over the radio!
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