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An Amusing Chili Cook-off Story

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by Conagher, Dec 26, 2005.

  1. Conagher

    Conagher Dark Custom Rider Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    An Amusing Chili Cook-off Story


    My name is Frank. Recently I was honored to be selected as a celebrity judge at a Texas chili cook-off,........and mostly because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

    Here are the scorecards from the event.....

    Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff ? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to warlike-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

    Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

    Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating.

    Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really chokes me that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. **** those rednecks!

    Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

    Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a ****ing grenade in my mouth, pull the ****ing pin,and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my ****ing mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my goddamn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. **** it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the ****ing 4 inch hole in my stomach.

    Chili # 8: Mount Saint Helen's Chili JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.
    Poor Canuck.
  2. monkeyman

    monkeyman Monkey+++ Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

  3. melbo

    melbo Hunter Gatherer Administrator Founding Member

  4. E.L.

    E.L. Moderator of Lead Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    Yankees.............. :lol: [yukface]
  5. monkeyman

    monkeyman Monkey+++ Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    Ive made some before that I bet would even have had the first 2 judges grabbing for the beer. I know I put cubes of meat in but it disolved into shreaded meat and I made the mistake of cooking it in a stainless steel pan and leaveing it over night, and this was one of the heavy ones, the next day when I took it out to put it in plastic it had already eaten a small hole in the pan! Stuff was good but damn was it hot!
  6. Quigley_Sharps

    Quigley_Sharps The Badministrator Administrator Founding Member

    Hey now I love hot food.
  7. ghrit

    ghrit Ambulatory anachronism Administrator Founding Member

    Had a real coonass cook up a pot of jambolaya at work yesterday. That will steam your pubes and flavor your next three dinners. Woof. [aiw]
  8. Quigley_Sharps

    Quigley_Sharps The Badministrator Administrator Founding Member

    Man I wish i was there for that, I have a few coonass in my family tree in the Pearl River area of La
  9. ghrit

    ghrit Ambulatory anachronism Administrator Founding Member

    No idea where he came up with the recipe, but it was long on okra, short of sausage. A bit thin, but it worked; heat was right. Best I've had was done by a welder from the (no shit) bayou country east of NO. Did it up in Wyoming while working at Rock Springs. Now, THAT was a good batch. Most of those fitters were oil patch guys that knew the right stuff from the yuppie fakes. Had some filet gumbo at the same feed. 'Bout foundered on it, and in those days I could eat. [beer] [beer] Am ready for another try at self immolation from the inside out on that stuff. Good thing I still have a cast iron stomach. :)
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