Another groaner

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by ghrit, Sep 14, 2017.


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  1. Cruisin Sloth

    Cruisin Sloth Special & Slow

    The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

    "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

    He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
    "An ambulance just drove by!"
    "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.
    "Matt's riding a new bike!"
    "Looks like the Sanders are moving!
    "Jason is on his skate board!"
    After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

    Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?"









    "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
     
    Cruisin Sloth, Mar 16, 2018
    #21
    aardbewoner, ochit, oldawg and 2 others like this.
  2. ghrit

    ghrit Bad company Administrator Founding Member

    Constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.


    A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out of a spouse was $10,000.

    The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar coin that rested inside.

    Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

    A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Costco Warehouse. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

    However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

    Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.


    The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared.

    . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

    (You're going to hate me for this...)


    V

    V

    V

    V








    "ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ Costco"


    Oh, quit whining! I don't write this stuff, I receive it from my other warped friends, and then I pass it on...............
     
    ghrit, Mar 20, 2018
    #22
    ochit, oldawg and OldDude49 like this.
  3. ghrit

    ghrit Bad company Administrator Founding Member

    So, "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow."

    My friend told me that he had that done when he was a few days old.

    I asked him "Does it hurt?"

    He said, " Well, I couldn't walk for about a year."
     
    ghrit, Jun 11, 2018
    #23
    ochit, Dunerunner and Seawolf1090 like this.
  4. ochit

    ochit Monkey+

    MY EX-WIFE THE PILOT

    My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

    Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in DFW Airport because of bad weather. Thank God the kids weren't with her.

    The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating).

    The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

    The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.



    She was really lucky.

    Wait for it

    V
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    broom.
     
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2018
    ochit, Jun 20, 2018
    #24
    SB21, Zimmy, OldDude49 and 1 other person like this.
  5. BTPost

    BTPost Stumpy Old Fart,Deadman Walking, Snow Monkey Moderator

    @ochit One question..... Does she wear a Black Pointy Wide Brimed Hat with Pilot Googles while Flying?
     
    BTPost, Jun 20, 2018
    #25
  6. ochit

    ochit Monkey+

    If that gets you off --YES I always thought she wore a witches hat :LOL:
     
    ochit, Jun 20, 2018
    #26
  7. Cruisin Sloth

    Cruisin Sloth Special & Slow

    @ochit
    You Married my ex from 30 years ago ?? I see she updated her ride , NOT YOURS , that I know !

    Sloth .
     
    Cruisin Sloth, Jun 21, 2018
    #27
    ochit likes this.
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