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ATM Rules for Male/Female

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by Tracy, Dec 4, 2007.

  1. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

    A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

    "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

    Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

    After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."



    1. Drive up to the cash machine.

    2. Put down your car window.

    3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

    4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

    5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

    6. Put window up.

    7. Drive off.



    1. Drive up to cash machine.

    2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

    3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

    4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

    5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

    6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

    7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

    8. Insert card.

    9. Re-insert card the right way.

    10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

    11. Enter PIN.

    12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

    13. Enter amount of cash required.

    14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

    15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

    16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

    17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

    18. Re-check makeup.

    19. Drive forward 2 feet.

    20. Reverse back to cash machine.

    21. Retrieve card.

    22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

    23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

    24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

    25. Redial person on cell phone.

    26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

    27. Release Parking Brake.
  2. kckndrgn

    kckndrgn Moderator Moderator Founding Member

  3. ColtCarbine

    ColtCarbine Monkey+++ Founding Member

    womenz always gotta complicate things [gone]
  4. CRC

    CRC Survivor of Tidal Waves | RIP 7-24-2015 Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    I reckon we go about getting our Oil changed differently too...


    1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.

    2. Drink a cup of coffee.

    3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.


    1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.

    2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

    3. Open a beer and drink it.

    4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

    5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

    6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

    7. Place drain pan under engine.

    8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

    9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

    10. Unscrew drain plug.

    11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

    12. Clean up.

    13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

    14. Look for oil filter wrench.

    15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.

    16. Beer.

    17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow.

    18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

    19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.

    20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

    21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

    22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

    23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

    24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

    25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

    26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.

    27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

    28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.

    29. Begin cussing fit.

    30. Throw wrench.

    31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 1992.

    32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

    33. Beer.

    34. Beer.

    35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

    36. Beer.

    37. Lower car from jack stands.

    38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.

    39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

    40. Drive car

    disclaimer:NONE of our guys would ever do this. [ROFL]
  5. crehberg

    crehberg Monkey+++

  6. AlterEgo

    AlterEgo Monkey+++

    Tell ya how my does it.

    1) Puts post-it on coffee pot saying. "Honey I took your truck" my car needs a oil change.

    2) Goes to work and don't give a damn how I git-it-done. [gone]
  7. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

    Oil? You're supposed to change it?

    Actually, I used to have a car that never (at least never when I owned it) had an oil change. I'd just add some when it got low. Stupid car ran forever.
  8. MbRodge

    MbRodge Monkey+++

    I once knew a guy who would loosen the nut just enough to let the oil leak a bit then drive around putting in a quart every so often until he'd run through 4 quarts then stop the car and tighten the nut. Lazy man's oil change.
  9. Allen

    Allen Monkey+

    A faster answer for oil changes.
    1. Remove oil sender
    2. Place hose fitting & hose on sender hole
    3. Start engine
    4. When oil flow starts to sputter, turn off engine.
    5. If you mis-timed it, order new engine.
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