SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet CAUSE: Glass Being held at incorrect angle. CORRECTIVE ACTION : Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet CAUSE: Improper Bladder Control CORRECTIVE ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training... SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless CAUSE a. Glass empty. b. You're holding a Coors Lite CORRECTIVE ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights CAUSE: You have fallen over backward. CORRECTIVE ACTION: Have yourself leashed to the bar ... SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes CAUSE: You have fallen forward CORRECTIVE ACTION: See above SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet CAUSE : a. Mouth not open b. Glass applied to wrong part of face CORRECTIVE ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in front of mirror .. SYMPTOM :Floor Blurred CAUSE: You are looking through bottom of empty glass CORRECTIVE ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer SYMPTOM: Floor moving CAUSE: You are being carried out CORRECTIVE ACTION: Find out immediately if you are being taken to another bar.... SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark CAUSE: Bar has closed CORRECTIVE ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run. SYMPTOM :Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures CAUSE: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations CORRECTIVE ACTION: Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside ... SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles CAUSE: You are dancing on the table CORRECTIVE ACTION: Fall on someone cushy-looking ... SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear CAUSE: It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up CORRECTIVE ACTION: Punch him ! Now! SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear CAUSE: You have been in a fight CORRECTIVE ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.... SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in CAUSE: You've wandered into the wrong party CORRECTIVE ACTION : See if they have free beer! SYMPTOM :Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk CAUSE : a. You're in jail b. You're in the navy CORRECTIVE ACTION :Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach..... SYMPTOM : You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps CAUSE: You're in a gay bar CORRECTIVE ACTION: Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs ... SYMPTOM :Your singing sounds distorted CAUSE : The beer is too weak CORRECTIVE ACTION: Have more beer and better beer, until your voice improves SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song CAUSE: Beer is just right CORRECTIVE ACTION: Play air guitar!