Beer Troubleshooting Guide...

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by CRC, Mar 22, 2009.

  1. CRC

    CRC Survivor of Tidal Waves | RIP 7-24-2015 Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet
    CAUSE: Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
    CORRECTIVE ACTION : Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling..

    SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet
    CAUSE: Improper Bladder Control
    CORRECTIVE ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training...

    SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless
    a. Glass empty.
    b. You're holding a Coors Lite :rolleyes:
    CORRECTIVE ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer

    SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
    CAUSE: You have fallen over backward.
    CORRECTIVE ACTION: Have yourself leashed to the bar ... [boozingbuddies]

    SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
    CAUSE: You have fallen forward

    SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
    CAUSE :
    a. Mouth not open
    b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
    CORRECTIVE ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in front of mirror ..

    SYMPTOM :Floor Blurred
    CAUSE: You are looking through bottom of empty glass
    CORRECTIVE ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer

    SYMPTOM: Floor moving
    CAUSE: You are being carried out
    CORRECTIVE ACTION: Find out immediately if you are being taken to another bar....

    SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark
    CAUSE: Bar has closed
    CORRECTIVE ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run.

    SYMPTOM :Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
    CAUSE: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
    CORRECTIVE ACTION: Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside ...

    SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles
    CAUSE: You are dancing on the table
    CORRECTIVE ACTION: Fall on someone cushy-looking ...

    SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear
    CAUSE: It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up
    CORRECTIVE ACTION: Punch him ! Now!

    SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
    CAUSE: You have been in a fight
    CORRECTIVE ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them....

    SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
    CAUSE: You've wandered into the wrong party
    CORRECTIVE ACTION : See if they have free beer!

    SYMPTOM :Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
    CAUSE :
    a. You're in jail
    b. You're in the navy
    CORRECTIVE ACTION :Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach.....

    SYMPTOM : You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps
    CAUSE: You're in a gay bar
    CORRECTIVE ACTION: Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs ...

    SYMPTOM :Your singing sounds distorted
    CAUSE : The beer is too weak
    CORRECTIVE ACTION: Have more beer and better beer, until your voice improves

    Don't remember the words to the song
    CAUSE: Beer is just right
    CORRECTIVE ACTION: Play air guitar!
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