1. The Topic of the Month for April 2017 is "Store what you use, use what you store." Please join the discussion on the Survival Topic of the Month forum.

Beer Troubleshooting Guide...

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by CRC, Mar 22, 2009.


  1. CRC

    CRC Survivor of Tidal Waves | RIP 7-24-2015 Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet
    CAUSE: Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
    CORRECTIVE ACTION : Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling..

    SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet
    CAUSE: Improper Bladder Control
    CORRECTIVE ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training...

    SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless
    CAUSE
    a. Glass empty.
    b. You're holding a Coors Lite :rolleyes:
    CORRECTIVE ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer

    SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
    CAUSE: You have fallen over backward.
    CORRECTIVE ACTION: Have yourself leashed to the bar ... [boozingbuddies]

    SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
    CAUSE: You have fallen forward
    CORRECTIVE ACTION: See above

    SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
    CAUSE :
    a. Mouth not open
    b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
    CORRECTIVE ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in front of mirror ..

    SYMPTOM :Floor Blurred
    CAUSE: You are looking through bottom of empty glass
    CORRECTIVE ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer

    SYMPTOM: Floor moving
    CAUSE: You are being carried out
    CORRECTIVE ACTION: Find out immediately if you are being taken to another bar....

    SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark
    CAUSE: Bar has closed
    CORRECTIVE ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run.

    SYMPTOM :Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
    CAUSE: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
    CORRECTIVE ACTION: Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside ...

    SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles
    CAUSE: You are dancing on the table
    CORRECTIVE ACTION: Fall on someone cushy-looking ...

    SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear
    CAUSE: It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up
    CORRECTIVE ACTION: Punch him ! Now!

    SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
    CAUSE: You have been in a fight
    CORRECTIVE ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them....

    SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
    CAUSE: You've wandered into the wrong party
    CORRECTIVE ACTION : See if they have free beer!

    SYMPTOM :Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
    CAUSE :
    a. You're in jail
    b. You're in the navy
    CORRECTIVE ACTION :Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach.....

    SYMPTOM : You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps
    CAUSE: You're in a gay bar
    CORRECTIVE ACTION: Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs ...

    SYMPTOM :Your singing sounds distorted
    CAUSE : The beer is too weak
    CORRECTIVE ACTION: Have more beer and better beer, until your voice improves

    SYMPTOM:
    Don't remember the words to the song
    CAUSE: Beer is just right
    CORRECTIVE ACTION: Play air guitar!
     
survivalmonkey SSL seal        survivalmonkey.com warrant canary
17282WuJHksJ9798f34razfKbPATqTq9E7