Beware the Invasion

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Seacowboys, Jun 11, 2019.

  1. Seacowboys

    Seacowboys Senior Member Founding Member

    Marital advice to follow: Beware of pillows!
    If you want your marriage to last, do not let extra pillows find their way into you home. A bed needs two pillows, a his and a hers. Every night is filled with snuggling and love making until pillows start showing up. When you see the first extra pillow show up on her side, immediately take it outside and burn it! The small argument that will result is far less harmful than allowing the pillow to exist and infest your bedroom! Once the first extra pillow, usually a knee pillow, shows up, she will never wrap her legs around you again. The next pillow to show up will be an extra long version, it is the queen pillow and soon, others will arrive to create a feather barrier between you and your mate and sex becomes something delegated to just on Sunday afternoons and then only monthly. Once a pillow infestation has began, nooners cease to exist. She will stop sitting up with you at night and begin to go to bed earlier and earlier until your schedules no longer mesh. This is to set the stage for the Sunday thing, the pillows will start traveling with you, taking up valuable space that could have been an extra guitar or tackle box and what would have been a romantic weekend in a motel or campground, becomes a pillow protected shopping expedition and destined to block any amorous intent except for dining out and that is where middle-age spread come from. She'll get fat and you might as well too, because you don't burn nearly as many calories trying to push your way through a bunch of feathers or foam, Once pillows have established themselves in you bed, there is no hope of ever ridding them from your life, it is too late and you might as well check to see if this is the Sunday you and fatso might have the monthly liaison.
    Zimmy, Mountainman, VisuTrac and 17 others like this.
  2. Gator 45/70

    Gator 45/70 Monkey+++

    Lol, Quite the opposite at la maison
    Wife wanted pillows so she ended up with 7
    My planned as followed
    Dress up in a pillow case for bed.
    Wife is fooled into thinking I'm a pillow and snuggles guaranteed!
  3. Ura-Ki

    Ura-Ki Grudge Monkey

    Tactical combat skill applies here! Firstly, take control of the battle space, deploy your self to the middle of the Battle Space (bed) and set a parameter with one way in or out. Establish local air superiority and tactical ( bottle of wine) support. Prepare defensive zones of fire and set overwatch ( Usually the family dogs ) and prepare for battle. When the Spousal Unit shows up, take her prisoner and conduct a full strip search before intensive interrogation, may need restraints to ensure compliance!

    Remember, YOU own the night!

    May be forced to re-deploy to the couch in case of failure, use with care!
    Ether way, good luck!
  4. Ganado

    Ganado Monkey+++

    well there has to be a trade off. What are you willing to give up for a fewer pillows? ;)
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2019
  5. oldawg

    oldawg Monkey+++ Site Supporter+

    Ah G you been around us here long enough to know where we'll go widat.
  6. Seacowboys

    Seacowboys Senior Member Founding Member

    unfortunately, there is nothing soft about me so as a substitute pillow, just out of luck.
  7. HK_User

    HK_User A Productive Monkey is a Happy Monkey

    You are either the man of the house or you are just a another pillow.
    Ganado, Oddcaliber, Yard Dart and 2 others like this.
  8. Ura-Ki

    Ura-Ki Grudge Monkey

    Even after scraping off the Barnacles and Salt? Damn, LOL
    Ganado and Gator 45/70 like this.
  9. arleigh

    arleigh Goophy monkey

    I live alone I own the pillows
    Gator 45/70 and Ura-Ki like this.
  10. ghrit

    ghrit Bad company Administrator Founding Member

    ^^^^What he said.^^^^
    On the other hand, I had a, ah, "visitor" at one point that wanted more pillows than I had at the time. Well, the pillow count has not changed ---
    Gator 45/70 and Ura-Ki like this.
  11. SB21

    SB21 Monkey+++

    If there's no compromise with the woman , just go to the kitchen ,, rip out the dishwasher ,, stick in a likker cabinet ,, hire a 2 -3 day a week , 36 double D, 28 year old blonde , or hair color of your choice , short skirt dishwasher with a French accent , a Cajun accent will work perfectly here , with a sexy attitude to mix ya drinks , and smile real purdy at ya while servin' them drinks . She'll come around , or pack and leave , either way is a win ,,,,,,:D
  12. Dont

    Dont Just another old gray Jarhead Monkey Site Supporter+++

    I did notice that the longer I stay in the mountains the higher the pile of pillows have gotten..
  13. Thunder5Ranch

    Thunder5Ranch Monkey+++

    What is a pillow? Everytime I get one I find it is really just a dog toy to be ripped to shreds and the fuzzy crap inside spread all over. Rolled up blanket at the head of the sleeping spot works good enough fer me!
    Ura-Ki, Salted Weapon and Gator 45/70 like this.
  14. apache235

    apache235 Monkey+++

    there is much truth to OP
    Ura-Ki and Gator 45/70 like this.
  15. BenP

    BenP Monkey++ Site Supporter+

    You think pillows are bad...beware the sweatpants! I hide or destroy sweatpants on a regular basis.
  16. arleigh

    arleigh Goophy monkey

    What do sweat pants do ?????????
  17. Salted Weapon

    Salted Weapon Monkey+++

    You all do not have to worry about the pillows a women sleeps with. Just need to worry about the ones she places over your face while you sleep.
    Zimmy, kitty, Mountainman and 10 others like this.
  18. arleigh

    arleigh Goophy monkey

    I sleep face down . and alone .
    Gator 45/70, oldman11 and Ura-Ki like this.
  19. Salted Weapon

    Salted Weapon Monkey+++

    Not sure are you bragging, or complaining, and not in prison I hope :rolleyes::ROFLMAO::p
    Mountainman, Gator 45/70 and Ura-Ki like this.
  20. Ganado

    Ganado Monkey+++

    well when men get furniture disease it's just as bad.... you know... when the chest drops into the drawers :D:p
    Witch Doctor 01, SB21 and oldawg like this.
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