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Conversations With Pilots ...

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by Witch Doctor 01, Oct 7, 2010.

  1. Witch Doctor 01

    Witch Doctor 01 Mojo Maker

    Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.

    Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

    "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

    >From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
    f******g bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f******g bored, not f*****g stupid!

    O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this - I've got the little Fokker in sight."

    A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
    Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

    A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:smarttags" /><st1:place w:st="on"><st1:placeName w:st="on">San Jose</st1:placeName> <st1:placeType w:st="on">Tower</st1:placeType></st1:place> Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

    There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
    Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

    A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in <st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Munich</st1:place></st1:City> overheard the

    Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Germany</st1:place></st1:country-region>. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

    Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
    Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern - we've already notified our caterers."

    One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

    The German air controllers at <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:placeName w:st="on">Frankfurt</st1:placeName> <st1:placeType w:st="on">Airport</st1:placeType></st1:place> are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between <st1:place w:st="on">Frankfurt</st1:place> ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "<st1:place w:st="on">Frankfurt</st1:place>, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

    Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

    The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

    Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird

    206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

    Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to <st1:place w:st="on">Frankfurt</st1:place> before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, - and I didn't land."

    While taxiing at <st1:City w:st="on">London</st1:City>'s <st1:placeName w:st="on">Gatwick</st1:placeName> <st1:placeType w:st="on">Airport</st1:placeType>, the crew of a US Air flight departing for <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:placeType w:st="on">Ft.</st1:placeType> <st1:placeName w:st="on">Lauderdale</st1:placeName></st1:place> made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
    hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

  2. dragonfly

    dragonfly Monkey+++

    I just remembered why I DON"T fly anywhere, anymore!
  3. Falcon15

    Falcon15 Falco Peregrinus

    OMFG LOL ROFL I love it!!!

  4. UGRev

    UGRev Get on with it!

    that's my favorite one as well :)
  5. Clyde

    Clyde Jet Set Tourer Administrator Founding Member

    A guy overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . It’s too good not to share.

    The conversation went something like this…

    Air Defense Radar: ‘Unknown aircraft at (location unknown), you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.’

    Aircraft: ‘This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.’

    Air Defense Radar: ‘You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!’

    Aircraft: ‘This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter.

    Send ‘em up, I’ll wait!’

    Air Defense Radar: (no response … total silence)
  6. Falcon15

    Falcon15 Falco Peregrinus

    Actual ATC/Pilot conversation:

    Pilot (at <acronym title="Everett - Snohomish County / Paine Field (PAE / KPAE), USA - Washington">PAE</acronym>): Paine tower, Bonanza XXX request the option.
    ATC: Bonanza XXX, runway 16R, cleared for the option.
    Pilot: Cleared for the option, Bonanza XXX. (With finger still on mic) Holy crap Tom, what the hell did you have to eat!? That's disgusting!
    ATC: Bonanza XXX, I think you still got you mic on.
    Pilot: Bonanza XXX, sorry about that.

    CO569: What was that thing that just passed overhead?
    ATC: Over or under?
    CO569: Over
    ATC: Uhm, I don't have anything in your area
    CO569: I'm looking at his contrail right now, looked like an F16
    Random aircraft listening in: *wispy voice* It was me....
    ATC, the TED pilots, and several passengers in the cabin laughed

    And my personal favorite:
    At Newark, when a loaded 757 took a few seconds to get moving:
    <acronym title="Newark - Liberty International (EWR / KEWR), USA - New Jersey">EWR</acronym> ground: "COxxxx, are you moving?"
    COxxxx (drawling): "Yep, sorry about that. We're heavy today. It can be hard to get it up when you're loaded."
    Random aircraft: "You can say that again."
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