1. The Topic of the Month for October is "Make this the Perfect Bugout Location". Please join the discussion in the TOTM forum.

Dating my Daughter

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by Witch Doctor 01, Feb 14, 2011.

  1. Witch Doctor 01

    Witch Doctor 01 Mojo Maker

    I'm a liberal type dad... i will allow my daughter to double date at 16.... as long as her mother and i are the other couple...

    Other than that i have Ten simple rules for dating my daughter

    <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com[​IMG]Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering
    a package because you're sure not picking anything up.

    Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at
    her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you
    cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter, I will remove

    Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your
    age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling
    off of their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and
    all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and
    open-minded about this issue, so I promise this compromise: You
    may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants
    ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, to insure that your
    clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with
    my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers
    securely in place to your waist.

    Rule Four: I am sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without a
    "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: When it
    comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

    Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about
    politics, sports, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this.
    The only information I require from you is an indication of when you
    expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only
    word I need from you on the subject is "early."

    Rule Six: I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with many
    opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is
    okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my
    little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished
    with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

    Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
    appear, and one more hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you
    want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My
    daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer
    than painting the <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com[​IMG]Golden Gate</st1:placeName> <st1:placeType w:st="on">Bridge</st1:placeType>. Instead of just standing
    there, why not do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

    Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
    daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer
    than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen
    or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places
    where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where
    the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to
    wear shorts, midriff t-shirts or anything other than overalls, a
    sweater, and a goose down parka zipped to her throat. Movies with
    a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which
    feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks' homes
    are better.

    Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-
    aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I
    am the all-knowing merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where
    you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the
    truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a
    shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

    Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes little time for me to mistake the
    sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a
    rice paddy outside of <st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Hanoi</st1:place></st1:City>. When my Agent Orange starts acting
    up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I
    wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull up into
    the driveway, you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight.
    Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you
    have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your
    car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face
    at the window is mine.

    Ok boys any questions.... I thought not....
survivalmonkey SSL seal        survivalmonkey.com warrant canary