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Dave Barry gets a colonoscopy

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by Tango3, Jan 23, 2009.

  1. Tango3

    Tango3 Aimless wanderer

    ATS whackos posted a good one, a bust out loud laughing dave barry article on colonoscopy.


    Read this right through slowly ... It is a Classic.

    ABOUT THE WRITER... Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humour
    columnist for the Miami Herald. Below is an account of his recent

    I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
    appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy
    showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears
    to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through

    Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
    reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't
    really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S

    I left Andy's office with some written instructions and a
    prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box
    large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in
    detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it
    to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

    I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

    Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.

    In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that
    day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only
    with less flavour. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix
    two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you
    fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system , a litre is about 32 gallons.)

    Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour,
    because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture
    of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

    The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a
    great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose,
    watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that
    after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the

    MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic,
    here, but: have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty
    much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are
    times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several
    hours pretty much confined to the commode, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.

    And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to
    drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can
    tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food
    that you have not even eaten yet.

    After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next
    morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only
    was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
    occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What
    if I spurt on Andy? 'How do you apologize to a friend for something
    like that?

    flowers would not be enough. At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
    understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.

    Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I
    went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes I then
    put on one of those hospital designed by sadist perverts,
    the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked
    than when you are actually naked.

    Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.

    Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was
    already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in
    their MoviPrep.

    At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I
    pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it
    to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose
    Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

    When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
    where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthesiologist. I did
    not see the 17,000 foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around
    there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

    Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist
    began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music
    playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing
    Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could
    be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to
    be the least appropriate.

    'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
    'Ha ha,' I said.

    And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a
    decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going
    to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

    I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was
    yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the
    next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very
    mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I
    felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it
    was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours. I
    have never been prouder of an internal organ.

    On the subject of Colonoscopies ...

    Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were
    quite humorous ... A physician claimed that the following are actual
    comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was
    performing their colonoscopies:

    1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone

    2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

    3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

    4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

    5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

    6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

    7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out ..'

    8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

    9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

    10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

    11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

    12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

    And the best one of all ...

    13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not
    up there?' [fnny][fnny]
  2. CRC

    CRC Survivor of Tidal Waves | RIP 7-24-2015 Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    Dave Barry is still one of the few columnists that cracks me up every time I read his column.....:lol:
  3. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

    I, too, love his writings. This one was no exception.
  4. toemag

    toemag Monkey++

    Had one of those a few years back, that stuff you drink prior to the fun and games was horrific, made the mistake of stirring it up with a wooden spoon, you have never seen a faster way of making a wooden spoon look like newer than new in no time at all.

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