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Dear Alcohol;

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by CRC, Oct 15, 2005.

  1. CRC

    CRC Survivor of Tidal Waves | RIP 7-24-2015 Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    Dear Alcohol, I thought I'd take a minute to discuss some troubling
    factors with you.

    First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of
    yours...your many sides and dimensions are mind-boggling, different
    than beer goggling, which I'll touch upon shortly. Yes, my friend,
    you always seem to be there when needed -- the perfect post-w*rk
    cocktail, a beer with the game,and you're even there around the
    holidays, with a touch of cinnamon, you warm us even when stuck in
    the midst of endless family gatherings.

    Yet lately, I've been wondering about your intentions. You see, I
    want to believe that you've got my best interests in mind, but I feel
    that your influence has led to unwise consequences, briefed below for
    your review.

    1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
    important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of
    substance or necessity occurs at 5 AM.

    2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, and though cooking is
    far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat mashed potatoes
    with barbecue sauce coupled by a veggie corn dog and some stale corn
    chips washed down with cranberry juice and topped off with a KitKat
    is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went a bit too far
    this time.

    3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me I need to do
    yoga more to increase my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue
    home by causing me to fall down the stairs. Completely unnecessary.

    4. Spelling Bees: Reference point 1 (Phone Calls) above, but even if
    calling 411 for Jennifer Lopez's number (in LA,I believe) IS a grand
    idea, the fact that you temporarily suspended my ability to spell her
    name surely amused the operator. Surprisingly enough, she didn't seem
    to be listed.

    5. Pictures: This is a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify
    the last point below, but the following costumes are therefore banned
    from being placed on my head in public: Indian Wigs, Sombreros, Bows,
    Ties, Boxes, upside-down cups, bras.

    6. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know her from somewhere, I most
    likely do not. PLEASE do not request that I go over and see if in
    fact, I do actually know that person. This is similar to the
    old "Hey, you're in my class" syndrome circa 1996, and should
    heretofore be rendered illegal.

    Coupled with this is the phrase "Let's Make Out." While I may be
    thinking this, please reinstate the brain-mouth block that would keep
    this thought from being a statement, especially in public.

    Further... the subsequent hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a
    little penance for our previous evenings' debauchery may be in order,
    but the 2 pm Hangover Immobility (and the new-found-trend of morning
    booting) is completely unacceptable. I ask that if the proper steps
    are proactively taken on my part, (I.e., water, vitamin B,bread
    products, Advil) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the
    kitchen with a bag of pretzels, that the hangover to be quite minimal
    and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day,
    for that matter) activities. Come on now, it's only fair -- you do
    your part,I'll do mine.

    Alcohol, I have enjoyed our relationship for some years now, and want
    to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of
    great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed
    companion when we just don't know what to do with the extra dollars
    in our pockets. In order to continue this relationship, I ask that
    you carefully review my grievances above and address them
    immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday at 5pm
    (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can
    continue this fruitful partnership.

    Thank you for your prompt attention to these matters!
  2. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member


    :eek: You didn't really post this at 5 am did you?!?!

  3. monkeyman

    monkeyman Monkey+++ Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    Has Clyde seen this? rofl
  4. CRC

    CRC Survivor of Tidal Waves | RIP 7-24-2015 Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    And with bringing this back up.......

    I'm on my way to get a bottle of Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka...


  5. tacmotusn

    tacmotusn Mosquito Sailor

    Are you restocking as an aftermath to New Years? If not you are a day late, or almost a year early.... LOL How was the hoppin john?
  6. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

    I'm guessing early. It's good to always be prepared. ;)
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