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Disorder in the American Courts

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by Conagher, Sep 3, 2005.

  1. Conagher

    Conagher Dark Custom Rider Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    Disorder in the American Courts

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American
    Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for
    word,taken down and now
    published by court reporters who had the torment of
    staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there

    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
    WITNESS: July 18th.
    ATTORNEY: What year?
    WITNESS: Every year.

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
    memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
    something you forgot?

    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with
    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember
    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
    WITNESS: Forty-five years.

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said
    to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan.

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person
    dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how
    old is he?
    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was
    WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
    August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Uh....

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: ! How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
    pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
    performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
    ATTORNET: What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why
    I was doing an autopsy on him!

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Huh?

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
    did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
    alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
    ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive,
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
    alive and practicing law
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