FAA Considering Passenger Ban

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by ghostrider, Aug 14, 2006.

  1. ghostrider

    ghostrider Resident Poltergeist Founding Member

    FAA Considering Passenger Ban

    WASHINGTON, DC—Seeking to address "the number-one threat to airline security," the Federal Aviation Administration announced Monday that it will consider banning passengers on all domestic and international commercial flights.

    "In every single breach of security in recent years, whether it was an act of terrorism or some other form of crime, it was a passenger who subverted the safety systems on board the aircraft or in the terminal," FAA administrator Marion Blakey said. "Even threats that came in the form of explosives inside baggage were eventually traced back to a ticketed individual. As great a revenue source as they have been, passengers simply represent too great a risk to the airline industry."

    Under the proposed reforms, the FAA would institute a strict ban on adult passengers, passengers 18 and under, international travelers, and domestic customers. A battery of questions and ID checks will be used to determine whether an individual is a pilot, flight attendant, or federal security officer—the only humans who will be allowed to board an aircraft flying within or headed for the U.S.

    In addition, security sensors installed at all gates will sound an alarm if they detect the presence of a 98.6-degree body temperature, and airport-security workers will be trained to spot and positively identify humans in the boarding area.

    "Frankly, we've tried everything else," Blakey said. "We've put up more metal detectors, searched carry-on luggage, and prohibited passengers from traveling with sharp objects. Yet passengers still somehow continue to find ways to breach security. Clearly, the passengers have to go."

    If approved, the new restrictions would go into effect sometime around Thanksgiving, before the busy holiday travel season. Customers who have already purchased tickets for flights scheduled to take place after the ban's enactment will receive a voucher good for travel to their final destination by bus or train. Should such transportation prove unavailable or inadequate, passengers on most major airlines will receive either a portion of their airfare refunded or a coupon redeemable for a future flight, from which they will also be banned.

    "We realize that these new regulations would, for many air travelers, be a major inconvenience," Blakey said. "But we feel strongly that it's a small price to pay to ensure the safety of our skies."

    While the ban's primary purpose would be to improve security, FAA spokesman John Gemberling said it would help the airlines' economic future, as well. As evidence, he pointed to the $7.7 billion losses posted by major airlines in 2001—much of which came in the wake of Sept. 11—and the $6 billion increase in passenger-screening costs since the tragedy.

    Detroit Metro during a test of the proposed no-passenger safety measure.
    "We've been stretched as thin as we can go," Gemberling said. "New bag-tracking measures ensure that a passenger is on the same flight as his or her luggage, but do little to eliminate the threat of said passenger placing an explosive in the luggage. All bags are currently being screened with bomb-detection machines, but even these $1 million devices are only equipped to detect a limited range of the most conventional explosives."

    Added Gemberling: "They're certainly not going to be much help stopping the next guy who wants to blow up a plane with something like a shoe."

    Even the stiff measures included in the Aviation and Transportation Security Act, which President Bush recently signed into law, have proven inadequate.

    "Improved explosive-detection systems, fortified cockpit doors, more plainclothes sky marshals aboard planes, and mandatory anti-hijacking training for flight crews—none of it could eliminate the possibility of another Sept. 11 with 100 percent certainty," Gemberling said. "This will."

    "We've tried every possible alternative, but nothing has worked," Gemberling continued. "For all our efforts, we keep coming back to the same central problem: humans."
  2. sniper-66

    sniper-66 Monkey+++ Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    Is this a joke or for real? The only reason I ask is that I could feasibly see the FAA doing this! I've see them do even dumber things!
  3. ghrit

    ghrit Bad company Administrator Founding Member

    Wonderful sarcasm and satire. Or is it?
  4. TnAndy

    TnAndy Senior Member Founding Member

    This is the last step.....the one right before this is everyone travels in Speedo's or Bikini and no carry on.
  5. TailorMadeHell

    TailorMadeHell Lurking Shadow Creature

    I hear Homeland Screwups are doing something similar. They are banning all people from living in America. :D
  6. monkeyman

    monkeyman Monkey+++ Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    I kind of figure we will see a time in the not to distant future when everyone getting on a plane will have to go into a room and strip to the skin, have an xray or scan of some sort to be sure they dont have something in body cavities and put their clothes in a bag to be checked then put on some kind of jumpsuit before boarding the plane with not carry on, no outside clothes or shoes, nothing. Then get their stuff back when they get to their destination.

    If not this then at the very least be like my brother told me about with the flight they took in Korea on a civilian flight. Absolutely NO batteries of any kind on board, no lighters, pointy stuff and so on and 2 men with automatic weapons standing at the front of first class and another 2 at the front of the coach section faceing the passengers through the whole flight.
  7. TailorMadeHell

    TailorMadeHell Lurking Shadow Creature

    Seen the new scanners they are developing for the airport security? They scan through clothes like stated in the x-ray glasses ads of yonder year. If men don't want their friend showing up on the scan they can elect to place a metal plate down the front of their pants. Don't know what women can do to not show their assets. Maybe an iron bra and chastity belt looking thing.

    However there are many that are saying this is an invasion of privacy and the company that developed the machines are 'working' out the kinks. One of their suggested changes is that they have a private room for you to walk in and get scanned. I can see a market already. X-Ray fetishists. Who cares if the picture is a ghostly image as long as it shows breasts or other anatomy.

    This is the old switcharoo and idiots are falling for it everyday. It is like in a gas war. The station raises it's normal low prices sky high and everyone gets mad. Then when they drop the prices back down by a couple cents, everyone is amazed that prices are this low. Idiots, you just paid 40cents more than a week ago. And you are happy that you don't have to pay 42 cents more? Sheesh.

    Same way with airlines. They will throw up some outrageous restrictions so everyone will get mad. Then when they do away with a tiny unimportant one, people will be so happy they will accept the rest that weren't there before. Sheeple make me sick. :sick:
  8. Tango3

    Tango3 Aimless wanderer

    ?Hand cuffs and shackled to the floor?First class gets chrome??At least folks will quit bitchin' about only getting a measley bag of peanuts for lunch..
  9. CBMS

    CBMS Looking for a safe place

    Who knows, That might encourage some people to fly economy[beat]
    [whipem] [FF]

  10. Tango3

    Tango3 Aimless wanderer

    United Where every flight is "con-air". If you want to fly withus you will take theblue pills supplied by the flight attendant and be awoken upon arrival.
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