not really sure why I put this in the Humor section...??? Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically different than up North. For those who are planning a football trip to the South, here are some helpful hints. Women's Accessories NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket. SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for. Stadium Size NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people. SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people. Fathers NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath. SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference. Campus Decor NORTH: Statues of founding fathers. SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners. Homecoming Queen NORTH: Also a physics major. SOUTH: Also Miss America. Heroes NORTH: Rudy Giuliani SOUTH: Bear Bryant, Archie, Eli and Peyton Manning, Bo Jackson Getting Tickets NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and purchase tickets. SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and put name on waiting list for tickets. Monday Classes After a Saturday Game NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have to prepare for classes on Monday. SOUTH: Teachers cancel Monday classes because they don't want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class. Parking NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking. SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday. Game Day NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV. SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcast from their campus. Tailgating NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down. SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon. Getting to the Stadium NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in. SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third largest city. Concessions NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda. SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon. When National Anthem is Played NORTH! : Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up. SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony. The Smell in the Air After the First Score NORTH: Nothing changes. SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon. Commentary (Male) NORTH: "Nice play." SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his damn legs.." Commentary (Female) NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport." SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch tackle him ....and break his damn legs." Announcers NORTH: Neutral and paid. SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so damn proud of his team. After the Game NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends. SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next week's game. Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of Southern football!
Okay, I may get slammed for this. However I am indeed from the South and have never been much of a football fan. I do watch occasionally just am never that enthused about it. Football seems to have calmed a lot from the days of midair collisions and 300lb guys doing cartwheels because they got hit hard. Just not enough crash and burn for me and the players are all about the money and less about the game, with the exception of those that are highschool and small town college. I will say however that I do know many men and women that are very Southern in their football and any other sport. By the way, golf is not a sport. It's a calculated geometry class with funny hats and shoes.
