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For our resident punster -

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by ghrit, Jul 31, 2009.

  1. ghrit

    ghrit Ambulatory anachronism Administrator Founding Member

    Creative Puns For 'Educated Minds'

    1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

    2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

    3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

    4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

    5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

    6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be

    7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for

    8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

    9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

    10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

    13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
    'Keep off the Grass.'

    15. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

    16. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

    17. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
    medium at large.

    18. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

    19. A backward poet writes inverse.

    20. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's
    your count that votes.

    21. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
  2. Tango3

    Tango3 Aimless wanderer

  3. CRC

    CRC Survivor of Tidal Waves | RIP 7-24-2015 Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    Love 'em! [ROFL]
  4. dragonfly

    dragonfly Monkey+++

    Snort, snort!
    Gotta get the RC outta my nose!
  5. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

    A thousand dogs were stolen from a pet shop on Saturday. Police say they have no leads.

    If children were allowed to dig for coal, would they still be miners?

    When the King asked the fool for a joke the fool just shrugged. He was the court gesture.

    The shoe said to the hat, 'You go on ahead, and I'll follow on foot'.

    Paula thinks she knows alot about government, but she doesn't. Politics me off.

    Sapper John likes this.
  6. ghrit

    ghrit Ambulatory anachronism Administrator Founding Member

    And a few more --

    Those who jump off a bridge in <st1:city w:st="on">Paris</st1:city> are in <st1:place w:st="on">Seine</st1:place>.

    A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

    <st1:city w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Dijon</st1:place></st1:city> vu - the same mustard as before.

    Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

    Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

    A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

    A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

    Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

    Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

    Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

    <st1:city w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Reading</st1:place></st1:city> while sunbathing makes you well red.

    When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

    A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

    What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away).

    Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

    She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

    A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

    If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

    With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

    The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

    You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

    Local Area Network in <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Australia</st1:place></st1:country-region> - the LAN down under.

    Every calendar's days are numbered.

    A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.

    A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

    He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

    A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

    Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

    Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

    Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

    Acupuncture is a jab well done.
    Sapper John likes this.
  7. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

    I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me.

    Cheddar is as Gouda cheese as any American could wish for, and while we Edam all that is something one could never Provolone.

    Today is a kick back and do nothing day. I'm auditioning for American Idle.

    Sapper John likes this.
  8. ghrit

    ghrit Ambulatory anachronism Administrator Founding Member

    A fellow went to his doctor complaining that his bung was feeling terribly sore. The doctor asked him to drop his drawers and bend over so he could take a look.

    "It's amazing!" the doctor said, as he pulled a $20 bill from the fellow's anus. Another $20 bill appeared behind the first one, so the doctor pulled it out, too. And then another! And another! And many more.

    Finally, the doctor had pulled the whole pile of $20 bills from the fellow's rear, and began to count it. (I sure hope that the doctor doesn't lick his thumb when he counts money.)

    The doctor mentioned, "There was $1980 stuck in you!!"

    And the fellow replied, "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand!"
  9. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

  10. oth47

    oth47 Monkey+

    Some people have had trouble with birds building nests in their horse's mane.The best cure for this is to sprinkle yeast in the mane..because yeast is yeast and nest is nest and never the mane shall tweet..
    Falcon15 and Sapper John like this.
  11. ghrit

    ghrit Ambulatory anachronism Administrator Founding Member

    And more ---

    1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

    2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

    3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

    4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

    5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

    6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

    7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

    8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

    9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

    10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

    11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

    12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

    13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

    14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

    15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

    16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

    17. 52 cards = 1 decacard

    18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

    19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

    20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

    21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

    22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

    23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

    24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

    25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

    26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at
    Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

    27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

  12. Seacowboys

    Seacowboys Senior Member Founding Member

    Falcon15 likes this.
  13. ghrit

    ghrit Ambulatory anachronism Administrator Founding Member

    Hey Sea -
    Didn't know you were French---
    Regards, and a tippa da hat
    Falcon15 likes this.
  14. VisuTrac

    VisuTrac Ваша мать носит военные ботинки Site Supporter+++

    Mon Ami, Je pense que des coups de feu commencera!
  15. ghrit

    ghrit Ambulatory anachronism Administrator Founding Member

    Pas ici, maintenant.
  16. ghrit

    ghrit Ambulatory anachronism Administrator Founding Member

    Groaner alert

    Lexiphile (i.e., "lovers of words" you know . . . like . . . you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish . . . or, I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger . . . . then it hit me . . . etc.).

    Well, here are a few more: (some new, some old)

    To write with a broken pencil is . . . pointless.

    When fish are in schools they sometimes . . . take debate.

    A thief who stole a calendar . . . got twelve months.

    When the smog lifts in Los Angeles . . . U.C.L.A.

    The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes . . . was on shaky ground.

    The batteries were given out . . . free of charge.

    A dentist and a manicurist married. . . . They fought tooth and nail.

    A will is a dead giveaway.

    If you don't pay your exorcist . . . you can get repossessed.

    With her marriage, she got a new name . . . and a dress.

    Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you . . . A-flat miner.

    You are stuck with your debt if . . . you can't budge it.

    Local Area Network in Australia . . . The LAN down under.

    A boiled egg is . . . hard to beat.

    When you've seen one shopping center . . . you've seen a mall.

    Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was . . . resisting a rest.

    Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? . . . He's all right now.

    If you take a laptop computer for a run you could . . . jog your memory.

    A bicycle can't stand alone . . . it is two tired.

    In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism . . . it's your Count that votes.

    When a clock is hungry . . . it goes back four seconds.

    The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine . . . was fully recovered.

    He had a photographic memory . . . which was never developed.

    Those who get too big for their britches will be . . . exposed in the end.

    When she saw her first strands of gray hair . . . she thought she'd dye.
    Falcon15 and Guit_fishN like this.
  17. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

    It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

    I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

    I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

    I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.
    Falcon15 and Sapper John like this.
  18. ghrit

    ghrit Ambulatory anachronism Administrator Founding Member

    Windex tip

    Windex Tip
    I haven't checked ' snopes.com ' to see if this actually works or not . . .
    But they say,
    If you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked,

    You should sniff some Windex first.

    It'll keep you from streaking.

    Have a Great Day! icon_cool.
    Falcon15 likes this.
  19. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

  20. ghrit

    ghrit Ambulatory anachronism Administrator Founding Member

    A pair of ha-ha's to add to your repertoire, stolen from another site:



    A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd por- poise on one of its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.

    "Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?" "Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor,

    "That would be defeeting the porpoise."


    My job is in the aerospace industry, and it's always been a challenge to explain what kind of work I do.

    At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense contractor."

    The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"
    Tracy and weegrannymush like this.
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