For the Sailors, and former Navy Men....

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by CRC, Oct 1, 2010.


  1. CRC

    CRC Survivor of Tidal Waves | RIP 7-24-2015 Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    [FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica]

    BEING A SAILOR...

    1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.

    2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the
    walls.

    3. Repaint your entire house every month.

    4. Renovate your bathroom; build a wall across the middle of
    the
    bathtub, and move the shower head to chest level. When you
    take
    showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

    5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

    6. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making
    sure
    the
    wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house; ignore his
    complaints.

    7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then
    reassemble
    them.

    8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front
    and
    back
    doors, so that you either trip or bang your head every time
    you
    pass
    through them.

    9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.

    10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water
    heater
    temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn
    the
    water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays, tell your family
    they
    use
    too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.

    11. Raise your bed to within 6" of the ceiling, so you can't
    turn
    over
    without getting out and getting back in.

    12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door
    with
    a
    curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours
    after
    you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say
    "Sorry,
    wrong rack."

    13. Make your family qualified to operate each appliance in
    your
    house; dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.

    14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 a.m., blow a
    whistle
    so
    loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille,
    reveille, all
    hands heave out and trice up."

    15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going
    to do
    the following day, then have her make you stand in your back
    yard
    at 6
    a.m. while she reads it to you

    16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting
    permission
    to leave your house before 3 p.m.

    17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the
    driveway
    three times a day, whether it needs it or not. "Now sweepers,
    sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down
    fore
    and
    aft, empty all trash cans over the fantail!"

    18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read
    your
    magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering
    it to
    you.

    19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the
    night.
    Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a
    different
    one.

    20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a
    megaphone shouting that your home is under attack, and order
    them
    to
    their battle station. "Now general quarters, general quarters,
    all
    hands man your battle stations!"

    21. Make your family menu a week ahead of time without
    consulting
    the
    pantry or refrigerator.

    22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that
    they
    are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for
    an
    hour.
    When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of
    steak,
    but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until
    they
    ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs

    23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes
    unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

    24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut
    butter and
    jelly sandwich on stale bread (midrats).

    25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night.
    At
    the
    alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to
    button
    your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run
    out
    into the back yard and uncoil the garden hose.

    26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and
    shout,
    "Man overboard, port side!" Rate your family members on how
    fast
    they
    respond.

    27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but
    don't
    plug
    them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand
    in
    front
    of the stove and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and
    ready."
    After an hour or so, speak into the cup again, "Stove
    secured."
    Roll
    up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoe box.

    28. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your
    family
    stand
    watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is
    best
    done
    when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

    29. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly
    rocking
    chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become
    nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your
    shirt
    pocket.

    30. For former engineers; bring your lawn mower into the
    living
    room,
    and run it all day long.

    31. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget-priced coffee
    grounds
    per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before
    drinking.

    32. Have someone under the age of 10 give you a haircut with
    sheep
    shears. [/FONT]
     
    dystopia likes this.
  2. bnmb

    bnmb On Hiatus Banned

    ROFL!
     
  3. tacmotusn

    tacmotusn Mosquito Sailor

    What's so funny about this? Isn't this the way things are supposed to be done after leaving the service?
     
    Falcon15 likes this.
  4. bnmb

    bnmb On Hiatus Banned

    ROFL^2!!!
     
  5. tacmotusn

    tacmotusn Mosquito Sailor

    WHAT? YOU LAUGHING AT ME? YOU WANT SOME OF THIS? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!
     
    Falcon15 likes this.
  6. Panhead

    Panhead On the Loose Founding Member

    The Navy Invented Sex
    A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.
    After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'
    Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.
    'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'
    The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'
    The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'
    The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'
    The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!'
    The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.'
     
  7. Conagher

    Conagher Dark Custom Rider Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    Holy Crap that was funny..................:lol:
     
  8. bnmb

    bnmb On Hiatus Banned

    :D:D:D
     
  9. Nadja

    Nadja RIP 3-11-2013 Forum Leader

    You had to have been in the Navy. Forgot how much I missed it. Forgot all about it the very next day after getting discharged
     
    Falcon15 likes this.
  10. CRC

    CRC Survivor of Tidal Waves | RIP 7-24-2015 Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    Nope, Nadja....but grew up in Charleston, SC....and my ex husband was in the Navy...and many friends....I've heard all about ship living most of my life...:)
     
  11. Drumbo

    Drumbo Monkey+


    The version I heard when I was in the Navy was that the Marines invented sex .... [dunno]

    My favorite jar-head sea-story was about a Marine and a Sailor in the head (that's the bathroom for you civilians). The Sailor finishes at the urnial, buttons his bell-bottoms and starts to leave. The Marine says, "In the Corps, they teach us to wash our hands after we finish peeing."

    The Sailor turns around and says, "In the fleet, they teach us not to pi$$ on our hands."

    :sneaky:
     
    Falcon15 likes this.
  12. BigZ

    BigZ Monkey+

    Do you remember the difference between a sea story and a fairy tale?

    A fairy starts out "Once upon a time" and a sea story starts like "Now this is a no sh&$er"
     
    BackwoodsmanUSA and Falcon15 like this.
  13. ozarkgoatman

    ozarkgoatman Resident goat herder


    Now this is just an outright lie. Every sailor knows that coffee is not fit to drink unless it's at least 5 days old !!!!! [beer]

    BWM
     
  14. Falcon15

    Falcon15 Falco Peregrinus

    AND the salt was left out.
     
  15. ghrit

    ghrit Ambulatory anachronism Administrator Founding Member

    Gotta put it back in or the green apple quick steps will strike if it starts with ultra pure water coming straight off the stills. Don't ask. :rolleyes:
     
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