A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet To buy Degas To make the Van Gogh." (stolen from Charlie Holt who stole it from....you know how it goes)
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender points to a sign behind the bar that says NO STRINGS ALLOWED. Dejectedly, the piece of string leaves the bar... but then he has an idea. He ruffles out his edges a little bit and ties himself into a bow. Then he walks back into the bar, hops up on the barstool, and again orders a beverage. The bartender is deceived by the string's appearance only for a moment. "hey....what are you doing back in here?" says the bartender. "You're that piece of string aren't you?" "No Sir!" says the string, "I'm a frayed knot!"
Lone ranger and tonto rode into to town, it was hot with no breeze,so he told tonto to run around his horse to cool it off and he walked into the saloon and got a drink as he was siting their a man asked who's white horse is that outside. The lone ranger said mine why you ask. The man said you left your engine running!! haha
A king carried environmentalism too far when he prohibited hunting of any kind. Soon the realm was overrun with lions and tigers and bears. "Oh My!" shouted the people. They revolted and threw the king out of the country... It was the first time the reign was called because of the game.
A man decided to help out his church, but he had a speech impediment. He tended to get his merds wixed and his tang tungled. So he decided he would be an usher. What could go wrong? Just show people to their seats and pass the collection plate, simplicity itself! But one Sunday, a new woman showed up and she was very large. She sat herself in a reserved pew for a family who never missed a sermon! They were due any minute! So he rushed to the woman and said "Mardon me Paddom, Your ocupewing the wrong pie, May I sow you to another sheet, or would you like a chew in the back of the perch?"
New Flavor Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm famished," said the first one. "Me, too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew down to the ground and found a nice piece of plowed land with lots of fresh worms. They ate, and ate, and ate 'till they could eat no more. "I'm so full, I don't think I can fly up to the tree," said the first. "Me, either. Let's just lie here in the warm sun," said the first one. No sooner had they had fallen asleep when a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I love Baskin' Robins."
A man from the city is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground.A farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the city feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says."Where can I buy one?" he is asked.Well, I just happened to have one for 100 dollars he says."I'll take him," says the other man as he counts out the money.I can't bring him over today. I don't work on Sunday morrow OK?"Sure."The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says, "sorry, bad news."I went out after breakfast and the mule was dead.The city feller says just give me my money back then."Can't, spent it already!""Well... unload the mule then.""What ya gonna do with him?""Raffle him off!""Naw, ya cant raffle off a dead mule!""Just watch me us! City fellers know a few tricks."One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into each other at the barber shop."What did ya do with that dead mule?""Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each and made 98 dollars profit.""Didn't anyone complain?" "Just one guy so I gave him his two dollars back!"
Chuck Norris Once pissed in the tank of a semi as a joke, that semi is now known as optimus Prime....
