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Gift Wrapping Tips for the Guys ...

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by CRC, Nov 26, 2007.

  1. CRC

    CRC Survivor of Tidal Waves | RIP 7-24-2015 Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    This is the time of year when we think back to the very first
    Christmas, when the Three Wise Men; Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb,
    went to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew,
    "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."

    These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we
    discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact
    there is no mention of wrapping paper.

    If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so "And
    lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the
    paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And
    Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him,
    she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next
    year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was
    more interested in the paper than the frankincense."

    But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the
    very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the
    people giving those gifts had two important characteristics
    1. They were wise.
    2. They were men.

    Men are not big gift wrappers.

    Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so
    somebody else can tear it off.

    This is not just my opinion, this is a scientific fact based on a
    statistical survey of two guys I know. One is Rob, who said the
    only time he ever wraps a gift is "If it's such a poor gift that I
    don't want to be there when the person opens it."

    The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter
    of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one
    ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas,"
    Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous

    I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills,
    I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a
    deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping
    paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am
    done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift
    peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking
    pen.) If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies,
    the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by
    Scotch tape.

    On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping
    paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane.

    My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she
    gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries
    separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental
    illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual

    My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills, like having
    babies, that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why
    today I am presenting:


    * Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when
    the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it,
    you can claim that it's myrrh.

    * The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how
    to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with
    an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of
    food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.

    * If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper!
    Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive
    bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to
    delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning

    Your wife: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?

    You: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!

    Your wife: (peering into the trash bag) It's a leaf blower.

    You: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!

    Your wife: I want a divorce.

    You: I also got you some myrrh.

    In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you
    give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very
    special time of year, is that you save the receipt.

  2. Clyde

    Clyde Jet Set Tourer Administrator Founding Member

    On the other don't worry about wrapping gifts at all....just don't buy gifts. No gifts = no wrappy. Bah humbug, I feel crappy!
  3. ozarkgoatman

    ozarkgoatman Resident goat herder

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