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Got Kicked Out of Wal-Mart

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by Valkman, Apr 3, 2011.

  1. Valkman

    Valkman Knifemaker Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that
    said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I
    had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'Killer Chili'. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

    Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two
    cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.
    No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way
    through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the
    usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as
    thunder and lightning.

    Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

    Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart
    and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't
    until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that
    the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm
    talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that
    always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was

    The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a
    revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the
    small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and
    before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which
    would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning

    There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly
    enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for f ear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

    I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her
    reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to
    dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been
    torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and
    I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

    I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she
    walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor
    so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and
    running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her
    head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made
    me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Big Mistake.

    Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
    down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

    Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off
    through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the
    whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion
    took place.

    Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john,
    began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat
    because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in
    while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and
    Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, ' Oh my Lord',
    then quickly left.

    Once finished I left t he restroom, reacquired my partially filled
    cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
    approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a
    few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the
    store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute
    or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

    That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
    The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to
    cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner
    shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the
    manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

    Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Food City. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the store...

    [boozingbuddies][bestpost] [boozingbuddies][fnny] [aiw]
    BTPost, kckndrgn, Spartan300 and 2 others like this.
  2. tacmotusn

    tacmotusn Mosquito Sailor

    The problem is two fold. #1 You laughed, hung around and watched. #2 You have to master the art of the "Silent and Deadly sneak expulsion". Me I have mastered both. I go when they are most crowded. I let them slip out and keep moving, never looking back. The retches and coughing are my reward. I just smile and keep moving.seesaw[beer]
  3. Spartan300

    Spartan300 Monkey+

    Lol, you "ain't right".....a good laugh with my coffee this morning!
  4. ghrit

    ghrit Ambulatory anachronism Administrator Founding Member

    :lol: Now I know who that was --
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