Grand dad's 1929 joke recycled

My grand dad used to tell a joke about the 1929 stock market crash. Stock broker goes into a hotel after a really bad market day, a upscale Waldorf Astoria type place, and asks the desk clerk for a room. The clerk asks if he has a reservation and the stock broker said no. The clerk looked at the available rooms and then asks, Do you wish the room for sleeping or for jumping Sir?

 

Grand dad's 1890's joke
Farmer had been selected for jury duty and had to go to the county seat and stay for the week. It was 25 miles from his farm, at that time a 6 hour hard drive in a buggy. On arriving at the stable where he is boarding his team of horses for the week, he inquires about the cost of oats for feed. The manager said they cost 75 cents a bushel. The farmer said That's a lot of money, do you have any cheaper. The manager said Well I have some upstairs that are a year old and are a little dusty that you could have for 55 cents a bushel. The farmer said That's still a lot money. The manager said Well I have some that were spilled and when they swept them up they got some straw mixed in with them that you can have for 45 cents a bushel. The farmer said Well I will think about it. The manager said Well I have some out back that you can have for 20 cents a bushel. The farmer said Whats up with those oats. The manager said Well they have been through the horse once. One of my grand dads favorite expressions when commenting on things, price, quality, or story to good to be true was that it had been through the horse once. Made a lot of sense if you knew the joke.

 

Grand dad,s 1940's joke.
Politician dies, may have been Huey Long, and two thousand people show up for the funeral. One of the newspaper reporters, a semi obsolete form of communication that existed before U-tube, was puzzled by the crowd as the guy had been a real bas**** and asked one of the crowd why he was there? The older gentleman answered "I just wanted to be sure that the SOB is really dead and that they bury him deep".

 

Reminds me of when AirForce One goes down in a farmers field. The local sherriff Is dispatched to find out what happened and secure the scene, but when he gets there all he can find is the broken plane.
The only person in sight is a the farmer, so he hightails it over with light and siren to ask about the crash.
Sherriff asks if he saw the plane go down?
"Hep, shore did, spent the mornin' burying 'em all."
Sherriff "that was AirForce One, the president was on board. Are you telling me he's DEAD?"
Farmer" Well, he kept hollerin' he wasn't dead, but you know how much that man lies....."

 

USAF joke about 1957. American missionary goes to Korea in 1949 and meets a Korean farmer on his way to market with a huge bag of rice. He is riding in front on a donkey and his wife is staggering along behind him with the bag of rice on a pack frame. The missionary tries to explain about manners and sharing and not treating a woman that way and the Korean farmer listened and said well this is Korea and these are our customs and that was that. The war came in 1950 and in 1952 when we had retaken the area the missionary went back to check out how his flock was doing. He met the same farmer headed to town with another huge bag of rice. The wife was walking in front, followed by the farmer leading the donkey, with the bag of rice on the donkey. The missionary was pleased and praised the farmer on following civilized ways. He wanted to know if his preaching had changed his customs and talked to the farmer about a woman's role and such and the farmer listened and said no, this is Korea and now there may be land mines in the road.

 

Land mines, why moslem women walk four steps behind the suicide bomber.

 

My Grand dad was paid by the government to grow hemp for rope during WW 1 and they supplied the seeds. By the 1940's it was at least semi illegal to grow it. By today's standards it was very low test and you couldn't get really stoned on it, but smoking it was superior to grape vines or home grown tobacco which were the other choices. We had a pasture that was swampy and next to the river. It was to wet to be mowed with machinery and was to large to mow by hand. My grand dad and later my dad would always go out in the fall and collect a good bunch of mary jane seeds from along the river and along the railroad tracks where it grew wild. In the spring they would spread the seeds in the wet pasture and they would come up and by the later part of July, they would be several feet high. At that point they would call the sheriff, one of dad's cousins, and he would bring over 15 - 20 prisoners and they would cut the grass, mary jane, weeds and brush with idiot sticks, a handle with a scythe type blade on one end and an idiot on the other end , favored by chain gangs and the military, and pile them in large piles and burn it. For some strange reason a lot of the prisoners stood down wind to the fires. If any comments were made, the sheriff would explain how difficult it was to stamp out that plant and that it had been properly reported. Dad always had a good meal for the "crew" and they always seemed to enjoy their day in the "fresh air" and the outdoors. Then in August when all the other pasture dried out and the grass quit growing, the lush wet pasture would feed the cows until first frost. A country man will survive!

 

Grand dad told me this one in the late 1940's.
Rich Frenchman had a driver who was a rabid supporter of the French communist party and was always taking time off to go to the protests and rallies. Since he was a good driver and the boss not wanting to rock the boat, he let him go when he wanted to go. One day the boss realized that the driver hadn't taken any time off lately and asked him what had happened. The driver said that he had been to a rally in Paris and that the speaker had said that after the revolution all incomes would be the same and all goods would be redistributed. The boss said that was what communism was about in theory. The driver said the speaker said every Frenchman would get 20,000 francs a year. The boss thought for a minute and said that is about right. The driver quietly said, I make 35,000 francs a year working for you.
The numbers may be off, but nothing has changed in the last 70 years and the advise of an older man to a 10 year old is still true.

 

1960's lawyer joke. May belong in tinfoil hat area.
Farmer dies and being a good man goes to heaven. A few weeks into eternity he sees St. Peter walk by with his arm around the shoulders of a man and the two are having a good old time. The farmer asks one of the bystanders, Who is that with St. Peter? A woman answered, That's the lawyer Schwartz! The farmer nodded and didn't think any more about it. A few weeks later a Buick went by on the golden road and there was Jesus and the lawyer Schwartz in the car talking and on their way somewhere. The farmer was puzzled by this but just let it go by. A month later he was playing golf on the heavenly links when a foursome asked to play thru. It was God, Jesus, St. Peter and the lawyer Schwartz. When they had played thru and were out of sight, he asked the other players what was so important about the lawyer Schwartz, The caddie said, Lawyer Schultz was a very very special person and deserved all the attention he got. The farmer said, How come? The caddie said, Why, he is the only lawyer in heaven!!
1960's farmers were for the most part not to fond of lawyers. Perhaps today we should modernize the joke and have it be a politican instead of a lawyer

 

Grand dad's 1930's joke on modern ethics.
Man was in a speakeasy having a drink. Starts to talk with a good looking "modern " woman and after a while he asks her if she would go to bed with him for $5,000 and he would use protection. Well at the time that amount of money would buy a good farm and after thinking about it for a while, she said Yes. The man took another drink and said will you go to bed with me for $2. She got all upset and said What kind of woman do you think I am. He said We have established that and we are just arguing price now. Kind of like our modern politics today.

 

Young Catholic couple die on their way to the wedding. They go to Heaven and meet St. Pete. They ask if they can get married and Pete said he would see what he could do. Three months later he came back and said yes, they could get married. They then ask if it didn't work out, could they get divorced? Pete just blows his top! "It took me three months to find a priest! Now you want to find a lawyer?!"