Greatest Rifle of All Time?

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by E.L., Feb 17, 2007.


  1. E.L.

    E.L. Moderator of Lead Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    <BIG><BIG><BIG>Mosin Nagant Humor</BIG></BIG></BIG>
    <BIG><BIG><BIG>AK vs. AR vs. Mosin Nagant</BIG></BIG></BIG>
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    Written by Head of the old Headsbunker.com, also known as "Ezra Coli" on the various message boards.
    There's an ever present, unending debate over which is best, ARs or AKs, raging across the internet and in gun shops every day sending bile and bitter insults spewing both ways. This debate has turned fathers against sons, best friends against one another, and........well you get the point. The author is of the opinion that there are of course pros and cons to each family of rifle, and I refuse to engage in what is "best". As one who loves them all, especially the AK and AR series, I thought I'd pass on some of the knowledge I have gained over the years concerning these wildly different weapons. As a bonus, I'll toss in my knowledge of another favorite family of weapons at the Bunker, just because they are very popular these days and I often ramble about them. So, here, for the aid of those hammering one another in the debate, is some unbiased, non-slanted, untainted raw knowledge about the AK, the AR, and the Mosin Nagant.
    <TABLE cellPadding=6 width="100%" border=1><TBODY><TR><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>Stuff you know if you have an AK</TD><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>Stuff you know if you have an AR</TD><TD vAlign=top width="34%" height=19>Stuff you know if you have a Mosin Nagant</TD></TR><TR><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=38>It works though you have never cleaned it. Ever.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=38>You have $9 per ounce special non-detergent synthetic Teflon infused oil for cleaning.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="34%" height=38>It was last cleaned in Berlin in 1945.</TD></TR><TR><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>You are able to hit the broad side of a barn from inside.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>You are able to hit the broad side of a barn from 600 meters.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="34%" height=19>You can hit the farm from two counties over.</TD></TR><TR><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>Cheap mags are fun to buy.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>Cheap mags melt.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="34%" height=19>What's a mag?</TD></TR><TR><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>Your safety can be heard from 300 meters away.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>You can silently flip off the safety with your finger on the trigger.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="34%" height=19>What's a safety?</TD></TR><TR><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>Your rifle comes with a cheap nylon sling.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>Your rifle has a 9 point stealth tactical suspension system.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="34%" height=19>You rifle has dog collars.</TD></TR><TR><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>Your bayonet makes a good wire cutter.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>Your bayonet is actually a pretty good steak knife.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="34%" height=19>Your bayonet is longer than your leg.</TD></TR><TR><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>You can put a .30" hole through 12" of oak, if you can hit it.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>You can put one hole in a paper target at 100 meters with 30 rounds.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="34%" height=19>You can knock down everyone else's target with the shock wave of your bullet going downrange.</TD></TR><TR><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>When out of ammo your rifle will nominally pass as a club.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>When out of ammo, your rifle makes a great wiffle bat.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="34%" height=19>When out of ammo, your rifle makes a supreme war club, pike, boat oar, tent pole, or firewood.</TD></TR><TR><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>Recoil is manageable, even fun.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>What's recoil?</TD><TD vAlign=top width="34%" height=19>Recoil is often used to relocated shoulders thrown out by the previous shot.</TD></TR><TR><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>Your sight adjustment goes to "10", and you've never bothered moving it.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>Your sight adjustment is incremented in fractions of minute of angle.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="34%" height=19>Your sight adjustment goes to 12 miles and you've actually tried it.</TD></TR><TR><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>Your rifle can be used by any two bit nation's most illiterate conscripts to fight elite forces worldwide.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>Your rifle is used by elite forces worldwide to fight two bit nations' most illiterate conscripts.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="34%" height=19>Your rifle has fought against itself and won every time.</TD></TR><TR><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>Your rifle won some revolutions.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>Your rifle won the Cold War.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="34%" height=19>Your rifle won a pole vault event.</TD></TR><TR><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>You paid $350.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>You paid $900.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="34%" height=19>You paid $59.95.</TD></TR><TR><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>You buy cheap ammo by the case.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>You lovingly reload precision crafted rounds one by one.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="34%" height=19>You dig your ammo out of a farmer's field in Ukraine and it works just fine.</TD></TR><TR><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>You can intimidate your foe with the bayonet mounted.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>You foes laugh when you mount your bayonet.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="34%" height=19>You can bayonet your foe on the other side of the river without leaving the comfort of your hole.</TD></TR><TR><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>Service life, 50 years.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>Service life, 40 years.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="34%" height=19>Service life, 100 years, and counting.</TD></TR><TR><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>It's easier to buy a new rifle when you want to change cartridge sizes.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>You can change cartridge sizes with the push of a couple of pins and a new upper.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="34%" height=19>You believe no real man would dare risk the ridicule of his friends by suggesting there is anything but 7.62x54r.</TD></TR><TR><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>You can repair your rifle with a big hammer and a swift kick.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>You can repair your rifle by taking it to a certified gunsmith, it's under warranty!</TD><TD vAlign=top width="34%" height=19>If your rifle breaks, you buy a new one.</TD></TR><TR><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>You consider it a badge of honor when you get your handguards to burst into flames.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>You consider it a badge of honor when you shoot a sub-MOA 5 shot group.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="34%" height=19>You consider it a badge of honor when you cycle 5 rounds without the aid of a 2x4.</TD></TR><TR><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>After a long day the range you relax by watching "Red Dawn".</TD><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>After a long day at the range you relax by watching "Blackhawk Down".</TD><TD vAlign=top width="34%" height=19>After a long day at the range you relax by visiting the chiropractor.</TD></TR><TR><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>After cleaning your rifle you have a strong urge for a stiff shot of Vodka.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>After cleaning your rifle you have a strong urge for hotdogs and apple pie.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="34%" height=19>After cleaning your rifle you have a strong urge for shishkabob.</TD></TR><TR><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>You can accessorize you rifle with a new muzzle brake or a nice stock set.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>Your rifle's accessories are eight times more valuable than your rifle.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="34%" height=19>Your rifle's accessory is a small tin can with a funny lid, but it's buried under an apartment building somewhere in Budapest.</TD></TR><TR><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>Your rifle's finish is varnish and paint.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>Your rifle's finish is Teflon and high tech polymers.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="34%" height=19>Your rifle's finish is low grade shellac, cosmoline and Olga's toe nails.</TD></TR><TR><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>Your wife tolerates your autographed framed picture of Mikhail Kalashnikov.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>Your wife tolerates your autographed framed picture of Eugene Stoner.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="34%" height=19>You're not sure there WERE cameras to photograph Sergei Mosin.</TD></TR><TR><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>Late at night you sometimes have to fight the urge to hold your rifle over your head and shout "Wolverines!"</TD><TD vAlign=top width="33%" height=19>Late at night you sometimes have to fight the urge to clear your house, slicing the pie from room to room.</TD><TD vAlign=top width="34%" height=19>Late at night, you sometimes have to fight the urge to dig a fighting trench in the the yard to sleep in.</TD></TR><TR><TD vAlign=top width="100%" colSpan=3 height=19>There you have it. In the end, it is clear to any open minded inquirer that the Mosin Nagant is the most superior weapon of all time, but the AR and the AK come out as a draw when compared side by side.</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
     
    dystopia likes this.
  2. ghrit

    ghrit Ambulatory anachronism Administrator Founding Member

    Thanks, EL. Now you've gone and done it. I just got a minor itch for an M-N.
    [beat][beat][beat]
     
  3. Tango3

    Tango3 Aimless wanderer

    That about says it... I was afraid this was gonna be a pointlesss gun kid rant...
    oH yeah, feel free to subsitute SMLE FOR MN.:)
     
  4. E.L.

    E.L. Moderator of Lead Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    I picked up a M38 a while back, and I love it. The scares the sh*t out of everyone else around you. With the short barrel of the M38/M44 it is very loud, and sends out a flame that is HIGHLY impressive. Not to mention you can pick up 440 rounds of ammo for $29.99. [touchdown] It's an excellent and cheap rifle.
     
  5. Blackjack

    Blackjack Monkey+++

    Got to shoot one not long after watching "Enemy at the Gates". Good rifle, but I'll admit the recoil was a tad objectionable (it was the carbine model).

    Love the comparisons. [winkthumb]
     
  6. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

    [applaud]good one! [applaud]
     
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