HELPFUL CAMPING TIPS: * When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant. * Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants. * Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire. * When smoking a fish, never inhale. * A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes. * You'll never be awakened by the call of a loon if you have an unlisted number. * The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills. * Acupuncture was invented by a camper who found a porcupine in his sleeping bag. * While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle. * Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable hunters to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience. * Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match. * You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several live geese. * When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on. * You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car. * A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup. * A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck. * It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home. * Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears. * A great deal of hostility can be released by using newspaper photos of politicians for toilet paper. * In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
