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History 101

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by Quigley_Sharps, Oct 15, 2008.


  1. Quigley_Sharps

    Quigley_Sharps The Badministrator Administrator Founding Member

    · History 101
    <FONT face=Tahoma><?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com[​IMG]<TBODY><TR style="mso-yfti-irow: 0; mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes"><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; PADDING-TOP: 0in; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" vAlign=top>
    <TABLE class=MsoNormalTable style="mso-cellspacing: 0in; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 0in 0in" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR style="mso-yfti-irow: 0; mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes"><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; PADDING-TOP: 0in; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" vAlign=top>For those that don’t know about history ... Here is a condensed version:


    Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic

    hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer

    and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter .



    The two most important events in all of history were the invention of

    beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man

    to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and

    together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two

    distinct subgroups:



    1. Liberals, and


    2. Conservatives.



    Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning

    of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented

    yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to

    be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages

    were formed.


    Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night

    while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known

    as the Conservative movement.



    Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live

    off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s and doing

    the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the

    Liberal movement.



    Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became

    known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the

    domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and

    the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and

    beer that conservatives provided.


    Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most

    powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
    the jackass.



    Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer

    white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their

    beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.



    Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have
    higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal

    injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com[​IMG]<st1:City w:st="on">Hollywood</st1:City></st1:place> and group

    therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule

    because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.



    Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and

    still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo

    cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors,

    police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the

    military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively.



    Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to

    work for a living .



    Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers

    and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans

    are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals

    remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:country-region w:st="on">America</st1:country-region></st1:place> . They

    crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying

    to get more for nothing.



    Here ends today’s lesson in world history:



    It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily

    respond, and whine and cry about the above before forwarding it.



    A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute

    truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other

    true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.



    And there you have it.



    Let your next action reveal your true self.

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  2. Conagher

    Conagher Dark Custom Rider Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    That pretty much sums it up Quigs......great read and true to the point.......[LMAO]............[applaud]
     
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