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Holiday Eating Tips

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by CRC, Dec 8, 2005.

  1. CRC

    CRC Survivor of Tidal Waves | RIP 7-24-2015 Moderator Emeritus Founding Member


    1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet
    table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots,
    leave immediately. Go next door,where they're serving rum balls.

    2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine
    single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than
    single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but
    now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every
    sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or
    It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you
    think. It's Christmas!

    3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
    gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your
    mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

    4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim
    milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a
    sports car with an automatic transmission.

    5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to
    control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party
    is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

    6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
    Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This
    is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet
    table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of

    7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
    frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
    yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
    becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of
    shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

    8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each.
    Or,if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always
    have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?
    Labor Day?

    9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
    mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have
    some standards.

    10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the
    party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread
    tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

    Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to
    the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
    preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand,
    martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a
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