How a modern marriage works

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by Cruisin Sloth, Apr 24, 2012.

  1. Cruisin Sloth

    Cruisin Sloth Special & Slow

    A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .

    So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

    "Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

    "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer."

    The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"

    She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland, Japan , India ,etc.

    The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, ly pop...but at the know...they have frozen glasses...."

    He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,

    "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"

    She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

    The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

    You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

    "But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, d irty words and all that..."

    "You want dirty words, ********? Drink your ********** beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your mother********** snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't ********** going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?"

    .........and, they lived happily ever after.

    Now, isn't that a sweet story?
  2. Cruisin Sloth

    Cruisin Sloth Special & Slow

    Then there was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

    Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

    She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device ... a dildo! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

    She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastar*," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

    The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I’ll explain the toy ... you explain the kids!!!!!
  3. Witch Doctor 01

    Witch Doctor 01 Mojo Maker

    A big Brawny 6'6" 285 lb man maried a petite 5'2" 110 lb redhead and during the honeymoon night the wife was in the bathroom getting ready for her husband. When she walked out in a sheer

    penoir her husband was already in bed waiting for her... As she approached the bed her husband stopped her and asked her to put on his pants... "But honey" the bride said "they are much too big

    for me"... "Please" he said "humor me..." She then pulled them up and held them bunched in both her hands... "Now turn loose" said her husband... The pants promply hit the floor... "Let that go

    to show you who wears the pants in this family"... he said. the bride stopped for a moment then slipped out of a pair of sheer lace panties... " honey" she said... "could you please put these on..."

    the husband climbed out of bed and proceeded to put them on but could only get them calf high... " i'm sorry sweetheart" he said.." but i can't get into them"... "and thats just the way"' she said

    "that things are going to be until attitudes change around here..."
  4. Cruisin Sloth

    Cruisin Sloth Special & Slow

    Glad I had My Wench try on my Kilt ;)
  5. Mechwolf

    Mechwolf Monkey+

    My wench doesn't like me wearing my kilt ..cause all the lasses want to look under it to see if I'm wearing it properly lol
  6. Legion489

    Legion489 Rev. 2:19 Banned

    The lasses ask me if there is anything worn under my kilt, I tell they no, it's all good as new!
    tulianr likes this.
  7. Redneck Rebel

    Redneck Rebel Monkey++

    A modern marriage (at least mine) works because we actually aren't married and because she was smart enough to figure out that giving me permission to hit the bar killed the bar for me and she was smart enough to know that giving me permission to mess around with other womenz would result in me being faithful...
    tulianr and ditch witch like this.
  8. BTPost

    BTPost Stumpy Old Fart,Deadman Walking, Snow Monkey Moderator

    My Marriage works, because I have the Personal Integrity, to work out any problems, that arise in the Marriage, with my Wife, as an equal, and HelpMeet. Now don't get me wrong here, like thinking, there have never been Issues, or Disputes. We were separated for 8 Years, after the ALL the Kids were Grown, and Gone. It was negotiated, and by Mutual Agreement, just as her returning, was Negotiated, and by Mutual Agreement. It took me most of those 8 Years, to learn to be the Gentleman, that I am today. It is a HARD Thing, to admit that YOU need to Grow Up, after 25 years of marriage. It is also a HARD Thing, to allow your Life Partner to leave, with no expectation of return, to learn the Hash Realities of Life, and then be willing to Forgive and Forget, those Harsh Realities, as a Learning Experience, and then "Remember them, No More, Period" ...... YMMV.....
    Fridge and tulianr like this.
  9. STANGF150

    STANGF150 Knowledge Seeker

    Don't hurt she carries a big friggin Gun now does it? LoL
    BTPost likes this.
  10. Witch Doctor 01

    Witch Doctor 01 Mojo Maker

    A true Scots man when asked what's under his kilt responds.... Lipstick ;)
  11. chelloveck

    chelloveck Diabolus Causidicus

    True Scotsmen

    A brave true scotsman, if asked by a man, responds..."your wife's / girlfriend's lipstick"

    A follhardily brave true scotsman, if asked by a woman, responds..."your lipstick"..."if you're game, I'm game!"

    Spike Milligan - Kilt Chimes - YouTube
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