How do you help a person going to prison?

My brother's wife has three children from a previous marriage, two have been to prison , and one is going back.

Like most crime today, their crimes mostly revolve around drugs. The step-daughter was released from prison and been on parole for over a year after serving a year for various drug crimes. She is a felon, but seemed to be handling the return to civilian life fairly well. She was working for a halfway house and helping ex-cons recently released from prison. Then she quickly married a con she met at the halfway house, that just as quickly lead to a divorce within a few months. From then on she seemed to spiral down. Drugs, alcohol, and criminal behavior seemed to return like it never left.

Recently she was arrested in an incident that she cannot dispute or get out of. She was pulled over by a police officer while she was driving a stolen truck and in possession of a stolen gun (it was in the truck she stole), she then backed up-ramming the police car when the officer got out, lead police on a high speed chase that ended in her waving the gun around (although not pointing it directly at the police) before surrendering. All of this on dash and body cam. She's lucky that she was not shot by police, but is facing a minimum of 17 years in prison.

My brother and his wife will not (rightly so) pay for a lawyer for her defence, as they have shelled out plenty of money before hand trying to help her and she is obviously guilty of the crimes. At 27 years old, she will probably be about 50 years old before she is released, even though women do about 1/3 the amount of time a man will do for the same crime.

So how could I help her in a way that might facilitate her rehabilitation? I've felt pity on her so I sent her a "CareBox" of personal hygiene products and some "comfort foods" while she awaits trial and sentencing and also put $25 dollars in the commissary for her. But how do you help a person awaiting a long prison sentence, who will come out without any appreciable skills or education and too old (50+) to easily learn new ones to fit in society?

 

If you find an answer, please post it, I know a dozen both in and out of jail, in the same situation, and have found nothing that works. It seems like they have lost all common sense and faith in anything, will promise you anything, go to church with you, try oh so hard, then one morning you find them high and back fully into their old ways. The best programs like AA only work when the individual wishes it to work and then with a lot of hands on support by other individuals that really know the problem. Most programs I have seen in the end seem to be a way for some individual or organization , to make a good living with a secure future while being treated as a community asset and a semi holy man. In the end I think it goes back to all of us being totally uncontrolled little savages at the age of two with no concept of good, evil, morals, culture,or anything at all. If they have not been socialized and made into humans that can survive in that culture by about the age of six or so, all bets are off. Even if socialized right, they can as we used to say, fall into a bad crowd, and seem to lose their moral compass and ability to think things thru before acting. Drugs and cultural changes seem to make that problem worse, With both parents working, single parent families, multiple cultures existing in our country, the many attempts to socialize people into some "dream" culture created by anyone of the many groups in our media and educational systems, I am afraid all bets are off.

 

I can't seem to understand how young people continually set themselves up for failure in life at such a young age. There has never been a "happy ending" when it comes to drugs or criminal behavior, usually only a shortened life of misery and hardship for themselves, their kids, and their extended family.
As a child of the Cold War, I didn't really see a bright future ahead of me as I expected a a nuclear war between the U.S. and the Soviet Union. However I would not engage in activity that would shame my family. My thought was "What would my Grandparents think of what I'm doing right now and how would I face them if they found out" and that usually was enough to dissuade me from that activity (usually).
Now I see young people with crazy facial tattoos, piercings, and/or neon colored hair (or all three at once) working part time service industry jobs with no future and low wages. They don't seem to be bad people, but they have no drive to earn more or thoughts for their future other than filling for some "mental disability" claim from SSI.

 

As BT said ,, encourage them to get education while in prison ,, study the bible ,, your persistence and concern for them may drive them to do better . But it is ultimately going to be their decision . I went thru a wild stage in my younger years ,, done some things I'm not especially proud of , and paid the price for others . I have tried to help a few people thru different situations , but it's totally up to them . I have found that as I get older , I really am losing patience with stupid behavior and decisions . Mistakes are 1 thing , but stupid decisions is a different story . Everyone knows right from wrong ,, so it's kind of the old saying , play stupid games ,, win stupid prizes . These days ,, if I know someone doing stupid stuff ,, I'll try and give them a little advice , if they accept it , and seem to keep trying ,, I'll keep trying to help them ,, to a point . If they don't listen ,, F'k em. Sorry , but I just can't deal with stupidity anymore . I think I can honestly say ,, there is only 2 people I know now , that I will go the extra mile and help even thru a few mistake's , my daughter, and granddaughter ,,,, and granddaughter is only a year and a half old ,, so she's not a worry yet . But If it was my daughter that kept making stupid decisions ,, I would help her more than others ,, but if she were to continue making stupid decisions ,, I would just have to tell her ,, as much as it hurt me to see her do these things , and as afraid as I was that it could really hurt her future life ,, I would just have to tell her that ,, if she were to die , or end up in prison for stupid mistakes that she knowingly knew she was doing ,, I'd just have to cut her loose until she showed a real desire to make a change . If she ended up facing prison time , she may just have to trust her court appointed lawyer ,,, as I'm to old to be putting myself in the poorhouse trying to keep her out of the big house .
Good luck ,, and I hope things work out for you and her .

 

I know a guy, he's about 65, has health problems and is trying to retire, but he has a daughter that has been on drugs for most of her life. He co-signed a car loan for his daughter and is now owes $25,000 on a car that is worth, at most, $15,000 because she has trashed, wrecked and neglected it. She is in rehab...again, and he is stuck with the bill. NEVER HELP ANYONE GET A LOAN IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO PAY IT OFF YOURSELF!! ESPECIALLY ADDICITS!! IT'S NOT ABOUT LOVE!! IT'S NOT ABOUT NEED!! IT'S ABOUT MONEY!! Bet he wishes that he had bought her a bicycle.

 

Sad to have to add an opinion here.

When someone goes to prison the pressure of survival changes them in ways that an ordinary person can scarcely comprehend.

They learn to lie about everything, simply because telling the truth in prison is a recipe for disaster. It reveals you as weak, and cons exploit weakness like sharks exploit blood in the water.

They learn to exploit to avoid being exploited, and they learn to love exploiting the stupid and the weak.

And that, unfortunately is everyone except them.

There is one and one thing only that they understand and respect: brute force.

When a con finally gets out, everyone is a chump, and should get screwed because they deserve it. They are they ones that put the con in the slammer, so they have the payback coming.

Once the con mindset locks in, it never changes.

Small wonder so many cons wind up back in the slammer.

A junkie is already well on the way to the con mindset before they ever see the inside of a prison. They learn to do whatever it takes to get their drugs, and nothing--nothing--else matters in the slightest.

There are some roads in life that lead only to a bad outcome. The con life is one of them, and it's pretty much a one-way street.

Prognosis? Not good.

Trust? Too dangerous to extend.

Help? As much as you like, as long as you understand you're being played for a sucker the whole time.

 

I know too many folks like this to list. Meth and opioids was the common denominator. I estimate less than 5 percent ever truly get off the crap. Writing people off is difficult but........

 

Druggies are like a cancer. Treatment is usually subject to relapse, so the only sure cure is to fully excise it. May sound cold and uncaring, but a druggie is cold and uncaring...f'em.

 

Frankly, it's too late to truly help. She must help herself and if she won't then... The best thing you can do is go about your life and forget her. Hell, it might be the best thing for her too since all you will do is remind her of the life she had outside and how she screwed it up. This is why it is so important to reach young people before it's too late because at some point there is no going back.
Life now is harder than when we were kids and any misstep can put one over the cliff, such is the case with her...
Anyway...it's it all up to her now and her options are extremely limited.

 

Re post# 1. Wideym I truly understand your plight. My late wife's niece is going thru the same ordeal. She got involved with the wrong, well I won't call him a man because a man would protect his love from drugs not get her hooked, any way the villain of this story got Audra ( a little older than yours) hooked, left her holding stolen checks, and take the fall. She has been revived twice with Naloxone. After she finished her sentence she got a job and was turning things around. Then he came back. Now she is back in jail. Parents and Grandmother are at a loss. Offer her love, NO LOANS. Encourage her to study. Please keep us appraised of her progress.

 

Used to be hooked with a parole/work program. I learned real fast to keep everything of value locked up tight, unless I wanted to drive around to every pawn shop getting my stuff back. About 1 in 25 actually wanted to do better and get straight. Those were the ones that hit rock bottom and made the choice to change everything about themselves. As others have stated NEVER Give them Money or Loans you will never see it again. A lot of those folks started out great and for whatever reason somewhere between 6 weeks and six months they reverted back to the Thug Life of crime and had new warrants out for them. Bottom line you can't help someone that does not believe they need help and you can't help someone who is not willing to get straight and help themselves.

 

I've had this experience once involving a close family member. Fortunately she was paroled after 18 months. I can't imagine 17 years plus.

The best thing you can do to support her during incarceration is communication. If nobody on the outside cares then all they have is what is on the inside. Visit often at a regular time and encourage others in her circle of family and friends to do the same. If she is open to faith, encourage that. I have a few cousins who went from a very shady existence to solid citizens through faith.

As said above encourage education and any opportunity to learn a trade. A fifty year old ex-con will have a rough go of it. It's hard to fathom, and that long into the future who will be part of her support system, because she will need all the non enabelling help she can get.

 

Wow, what a terrible turn of events. The advice here is all good, especially the one about the person having to hit bottom and really want to change. To some folks, reading this will be a total and complete shock. "How could someone let that happen to themselves?" "Just turn things around, you can do it." and so on. This isn't a bad thing, it means some foks' lives are doubly and triple blessed by them never experiencing things like this.

If anyone reading this wants a quick and dirty course on what can happen to the folks who love an addict, I highly recommend heading out to your local Al-Anon group and sit in on meetings for a few weeks. We did so when our son was acting out and the stories other folks share are absolutely horrifying. And the main theme is that they acted out of love for the addicts. And the addicts ate it up....and ate the people and their souls up, also.

We were extremely fortunate. Our son hit bottom real quick and has since gotten things back together for the most part.

Pray. Long and hard. Like others have said, do not offer money. Don't cosign a loan, don't believe most of what they say. It's sad.

Kajun

 

She has to make a choice about change and responsibility. This is the one simple and thing common to anyone who has successfully rehabilitated. There are some but they are sadly in the minority. Most will want to blame circumstances, the system, their kindergarten teacher or anyone but them self. Those who have changes realised that it was they they needed to do so because those other things are fixed. If is a tough road she is on no doubt. The common things that contribute to successful reintegration and life after custody are work opportunities and a stable place to come to when they are out. Halfway Houses are rarely that.

What SHE needs to do is grab the educational opportunities that may be available and work toward having knowledge that can be applied to life when she walks out. If your state has a work release program she should aim for that, depending on how this is structured she may eventually exist custody with some money in the bank, an “employment history” and if not a job waiting for her, a reference from a recent employer attesting to her worth as an employee. Being at the start of her time for serious offences those things are a way off for her but she needs to keep them as her goals or she will just fall into the yard rhythm and live and die as a “convict” no matter if she is in or out.

You can only help her see the light. Be carful about what money you put into jail accounts for her, that is not always what it seems.

in short SHE has to set her goals and work toward them, YOU can only point her at them and let her know the ball is in her court.

 

several have said it... it is NOT up to you... it is only up to them... and there is little or even nothing you can do for them...

THEY MUST CHOOSE to stop...

sometimes all you can do is step away in self-defense...

cause sadly they have no means within them to resist taking you down with them...

they have lost their way and the drugs make them a totally different person... they are enslaved so to speak...

all you can do most times is wait... and pray...


interesting thing... sorcerers in the bible are actually often talkin about drug dealers...

they mix the mind altering substance and give it to you...

the term used is "pharmakia" if I recall correctly...

also seem to recall the other team rejoices at us using this stuff cause it totally lowers our defenses and lets em in???

don't know that any of these will help but...

The Biblical View of Drug Use - Pharmakia: The Biblical View of Drug Use

On The Greek word “pharmakia”

Sorcery in the Bible, Pharmakeia and Modern Medicine

 

when I was in the banking business I would not make co-signed loans. Inevitably you wind up pissing off a good customer when he has to pay his dead beat relatives loans. I would make joint loans as long as the collateral was in the joint names. That way, the “co-signer” knew his credit was on the line too.

 

An addict has to hit rock bottom before they can begin to recover, and you have to let them! They may recover, or you might have to bury them! You need only to be there to pick-up the pieces...once they have truly stopped bouncing!