1. The Topic of the Month for October is "Make this the Perfect Bugout Location". Please join the discussion in the TOTM forum.

I finally will Put One Up...Or Two or...

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by CBMS, Sep 6, 2008.

  1. CBMS

    CBMS Looking for a safe place

    There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

    Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

    She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device ... a dildo! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

    She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

    The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I’ll explain the toy ... you explain the kids."

    Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

    His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

    "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

    "What do you mean?" said Dad.

    "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
    A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit. As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats. A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog. The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him.

    "Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog? Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"

    The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "oh! You Americans. You are so rude.
    Fluffy is in that seat, and i see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."

    The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.

    "You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window."
survivalmonkey SSL seal        survivalmonkey.com warrant canary