I need to make a pretty heavy decision... advice would be appreciated

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by GhostX, Sep 14, 2016.


  1. GhostX

    GhostX Monkey

    So I grew up without a father. My mother had boyfriends but the one she decided to stick with was a real piece of work (in his 50's). Let's call him Bub. Bub would often get jealous of the attention my mom showed me over him. He was often abusive when he was drinking and he would whisper the most evil, degrading shit to me when he was out of earshot of her.

    He has a severe drinking problem. I can't count the number of times he went to the hospital for alcohol poisoning. I actually saved his life once when I found him passed out, naked and severely dehydrated. The EMS said that it could have been bad if I hadn't called them. He's part of the reason I ended up moving to Austin.

    My mother got glioblastoma almost 4 years ago (a brain cancer). She found out she had it after a stroke while she was helping him at his art gallery. Her entire left side was paralyzed. I was living in Austin at the time that I got the call from her telling me about it. I was working at the airport. She said not to worry and that she was ok... I regret to this day not dropping everything and going to be with her but I was tied down in a relationship... mostly because Bub was the only one who could stay with her.

    While she was in her hospital bed she needed someone there who could help her through it. Coach her through her therapy sessions. Provide moral support and a caring ear to listen to all the things she wanted to say... but instead he sat by her bed and drank. We opened the closet and found all these stashed whisky bottles in the hospital room. There were all these empty bottles of cough medicine as well.

    Before we found out all that, I was in Austin just getting over a pretty rough breakup with my ex. I had saved up and just put down a deposit for a new place with some great new roommates. The owner of the house had the latest game system and it felt like everything was going good and I could make some progress with my college work. We were out celebrating our first night out as new roommates and did some bar hopping. Then I got a call from my brother.

    He told me to go outside and get away from everyone. I found a place outside and asked what was wrong. He told me that Bub had done something at the Select One Rehabilitation center. A nurse came to the room because she heard screaming. He was on top of her in her hospital bed trying to rape her. They got him off and called my brother (not the cops) and told him about the incident and then he called the cops. Mom was taken to the ER for vaginal bleeding.

    When police showed up, all they did was call a cab and send Bub home because they didn't want to do paperwork. They didnt question the nurse who found him on top of my mom and they attributed the vaginal bleeding to her medical condition (... she had fucking brain cancer). The rape kit came back negative because there was no seamen but I just want to remind you that he's over 50. My mother also had a catheter in.

    I grabbed what I could, told my roommates to sell the rest and left the very next day. I don't think I slept at all that night. I spent the next two months by her bedside trying to help with her physical therapy sessions but she was already so weak. She was always in some kind of pain or discomfort. She had no way to swallow anything so the nurses refused to brush her teeth and I could see cavities forming. She ended up asperating for 3 days after she lost consciousness until she stopped breathing.

    The reason I'm making this topic is because I found a letter from mom recently addressed to me saying "open if I don't make it". Inside was a detailed list of everything my mother spent on Bub since 2001. After totalling everything up it came to over $51,000 that he owed my mother. I'm just finding this now 3 years later and I'm trying to decide what I should do with it.

    After mom passed I never went back to college. I just kind of got stuck in my home town again. I am a bit over $50,000 in debt. My brother and I are also having to sell a property our mom left to us because she took out a mortgage on it. I can only assume it was to help Bub with something as well.

    So now I have a decision I need to make. I could either ignore the letter my mother left for me and let that man be in peace... which also means letting him drink himself to death and take his gallery and everything my mother helped build along with him... or I could take those papers to a lawyer. It would feel like kicking a sick old man laying on the ground in the gut repetedly because that gallery is all he has and the only thing he had to remember mom by. I don't think he has anywhere else to go. I might as well put a gun to his head myself and pull the trigger... but doesn't he deserve it?

    I realize also that if I do this, I will be becoming everything I hate about society... and I try not to be materialistic but... I do feel like something is owed.

    Any advice or moral support would be great. This is a pretty heavy load to bare.
     
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2016
  2. Ura-Ki

    Ura-Ki Grudge Monkey

    Man, that's a tough one, all the more because it's some one you despise! I will not offer advice, but moral support seems more appropriate! You loved your Mother, cherish the fond memories you have of her, forget about the hard times and the suffering, forget what this P.O.S. is, and did, and move on with your life! Holding these things inside isn't going to help you or any one else! Move on with life, build your life the way you want to, and build your future with an eye to the past! AND remember, Karma IS a big Bitch, some day, that P.O.S. will get his, and that's something you can count on! Hope things work out for ya, Prayers heading your way!
     
  3. GhostX

    GhostX Monkey

    It weighs heavy on me because I'm holding a man's life in my hands. A man who was supposed to be a father figure to me but cared only about possessing my mother. He was like a leach but my mom had such a caring soul and she thought she could help him. He just used her though. I'm sure there was love in his heart for her too but he mostly wanted someone to take care of him. She took care of him so much that she forgot to take care of herself and got cancer in her mid-fifties. Every second he was with her he just sucked the life out of her... I blame myself for not going to be with her right when it started...

    It wasn't the first battle with cancer for her actually. She had colon cancer before during the time I was still staying with her. I would cook her only healthy foods, I would prepare juiced drinks from vegetables and fruit, be there to talk to and comfort her... it was such a great feeling when the doctor said she was cancer free.

    ... everything seems to have fallen apart now. I can't begin to express what kind of anger I hold. It's not really anything I can let go of because I have no closure. No explanation from the SVU detective for opening and closing the case. No explanation from the cops for why they didn't arrest a rapist. No explanation from the nurses as to why my mother was neglected so bad... (when I got there, her hair was matted to the back of her head so bad that it was actually twisting her scalp. It's like someone was constantly grabbing a fist full of hair on the back of her head and pulling.. )

    I don't know of I'll ever feel right again... all I can try to do is forget.
     
  4. tacmotusn

    tacmotusn Mosquito Sailor

    Love and Hate either one can control you. They can consume you completely. Nothing good can come from the hate. Eventually it will destroy you as well. This individual will be judged when he leaves this earth. Hate is not the opposite of Love. The opposite of love is indifference. Love your Mother forever, but keep the good memories and let the rest go. She is in a better place. This man who abused her can no longer hurt her. He is sick both mentally and physically, and is suffering, and ultimately he will have to atone. Forget him. He is beneath you. His actions were that of an animal. Don't let hate for him consume you. Indifference is also the opposite of hate. Indifference from you is what he deserves. Forget him and walk away. Let his personal hell be his alone. Let your loving memories of your Mother guide you to doing good for others who deserve your time and love. You will be a better and happier man for it. That is my advice. Pray on it. I will pray for you. best wishes.
     
  5. chimo

    chimo the few, the proud, the jarhead monkey crowd Site Supporter+

    My condolences on the loss of your mom. Move on, don't waste your time trying to get blood out of a rock.
     
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  6. GhostX

    GhostX Monkey

    It's my mother's blood I'm thinking about trying to get back from him. He can have the rock.

    I try to think about what my mother would do and... well she left me that letter for a reason. It's a sad situation. No matter what direction I go, it's still going to hurt. I can choose to get my closure by taking back what mom gave him... but more than likely I will be responsible for his suicide afterwards. Or I can just let him kill himself slowly and have to live with the crushing debt I owe my school.
     
  7. RightHand

    RightHand Pioneer in a New World Moderator Founding Member

    I, too, am sorry for your loss and the the effect it has had on your life. Regarding your question, your mother's money was her to spend as she saw fit whether you agree with he or not. If she had chosen to take a world cruise that you thought was a waste of money, would you sue the cruise line to recoup the price of her trip? What she chose to do with her money was her business and no one else's in the same way that the decisions you made that put you $50k in debt were yours. Accept that and move on with your life. Bitterness is a leash that ties you to the past.
     
  8. BlueDuck

    BlueDuck Monkey

    Your mother made some pretty bad decisions. Don't continue the pattern. Move on.
     
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  9. marlas1too

    marlas1too Monkey++

    Its simple karma what comes around goes around.karma will get him in some way
     
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  10. ditch witch

    ditch witch resident bacon hoarder Site Supporter+

    I guess I'm the only one thinking perhaps he's meant to be the karma that gets him in the end. I would take it to a lawyer. You owe the guy nothing and clearly he never did anything to earn your loyalty, respect, or concern.

    Reminds me of that old story about the drowning dude who kept praying and ignoring all the boats and helicopters that came by because supposedly god was gonna save him, then he drowns (duh) and his god tells him dude, I sent you a boat and a whirlybird, what did you want, an engraved invitation? Well, seems to me your mom gave you the engraved invite. You can go to the party, or stay home. Your call, but if it were me I'd be lacing up my dancing boots.
     
  11. ghrit

    ghrit Ambulatory anachronism Administrator Founding Member

    Gx, you are confusing fiscal matters with emotions. They MUST be separated before you can make a decision. Consider the cost in dollars (court, lawyer, and the like) of recovering what you think might be yours to recover, and don't forget the time it'll take. During that time, you will also have to continue keeping your backbone and belly button separate by a decent distance.

    I'm with RightHand on this, it's time to move on. Your path and your mother's will never again intersect, so there's no point I can see to go after the drunk for any reason at all. You cannot save him from himself, and he's apt to drag you into the same ditch he's already in.
     
  12. Dunerunner

    Dunerunner Monkey

    My deepest sympathies to you and your brother on the loss of your mother. It must be difficult as well to share such an intimate story with, effectively; strangers.

    My first reaction was to advise you to burn the letter and let Bub suffer in his chosen course of life. I would bet the Gallery is in hock anyway to support his life style. Cut all ties with him, try to remember the good times with your mother and let him drink himself to death.

    There will be no ceremony and a paupers grave. Hell awaits him and I believe there will be retribution for what he has done.

    I know it is difficult to put any of this aside, but for your own mental health it is something you must do.
     
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  13. VisuTrac

    VisuTrac Ваша мать носит военные ботинки Site Supporter+++

    Only one that will win in attempting to get blood from a turnip are the lawyers.
    Good advice has already been given.
    Keep the good memories of mom and walk away from the rest of it.
    Say to yourself, not my circus, not my monkeys.
     
  14. yeti695

    yeti695 Monkey

    First off, I'm sorry about your loss.
    I agree with VisuTrac and ghrit on this one. Unless you know that this man has well over what is owed, then its basically going to be a massive money pit to get that out of him. If you do sue him and he dont have it, well you will still owe the lawyers and get nothing in return. Like many have said move on. It hurts and sucks to know that he took advantage of someone you love, but at some point you have to understand that she was an adult and made decisions on her own. I have an issue, not the same as yours, but something that I have to think about alot and try to separate emotions from the situation. My parents have been together for 40+ years and they are in a bad relationship. I don't know how they still live together yelling and cussing at each other. They are both unhappy, but neither of them will change anything to make it better. My dad is pretty much handicapped, he cant walk more than about 10 yards without having to sit down for 20 min or more. Mom is not in the greatest of heatlh, but better off than him. My dad is an a**hole and is quick to tell you he is. Mom calls me all the time about this and that, I just tell her you are a grown a** woman, and you have to decide what you want/need to do. No I dont want them to get a divorce, but its not my life. I have moved on, I love them both, but they are adults and need to do whats best for them. I guess what Im trying to say is sometimes you have to understand that emotions can effect your outlook on things. I know its hard to separate them from everday things, especially people we care for like family, but you have to.
    Sorry for the long way around to get to a very specific point, just hope it helps.
     
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  15. Yard Dart

    Yard Dart Vigilant Monkey..... Moderator Site Supporter++

    Everyone above has said some excellent words of wisdom. I pray that you can recover from the loss of your mother and move on from the bitterness of your past. Take that anger/frustration/hate and turn it into a drive to be better, be more than Bub was nor will ever be. Let God sort Bub out, and move on with your life. Look at tomorrow and find the joy in life moving forward, with the loving memory of your mother.
     
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  16. chimo

    chimo the few, the proud, the jarhead monkey crowd Site Supporter+

    If you can get it back, go for it, but I suspect that when you consult with a lawyer you may find that just because your Mom left you a list of what she spent on him does not mean you have any standing or even enough documentation to collect. Also, does he even have the means to pay? If he doesn't , you are trying to get blood out of a rock and you'll probably spend more pursuing it than you'll recover.

    Bottom line, this is a discussion for you and your lawyer.
     
  17. RightHand

    RightHand Pioneer in a New World Moderator Founding Member

    Did you ever consider that her letter was meant only as a cautionary tale warning you not to follow her example?
     
  18. Sgt Nambu

    Sgt Nambu Monkey+

    First, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom, the horrible manner of her passing! Blessings on her and you and your family!
    I'm not a good source for this type of advice, I'm naturally a vindictive SOB! So, I'll just say, whether you go after the POS or not, after it's over, LET IT GO!
    Start building your life, do not use your childhood or mothers passing as an excuse to not live a full, decent and happy life! That's what your mom would really want for you! Best wishes to you! SRG
     
  19. Seacowboys

    Seacowboys Senior Member Founding Member

    No sympathy here, take the bastard to the cleaners. Destroy him. I have no patience for people that take advantage of others.
     
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  20. Gator 45/70

    Gator 45/70 Monkey+++

    Agreed, I would B@#*h slap him, Lay down the law and make him start paying up!
     
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