Jokes & more Jokes

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by Minuteman, Oct 13, 2006.


  1. Minuteman

    Minuteman Chaplain Moderator Founding Member

    I am cleaning out my "Saved E-Mail" folder and thought I'd share. I didn't want to create a whole list of new threads so I put them all here.
    Except for the ones that have to go in the "Inferno".;)



    <XMETA><STYLE></STYLE>
    ( LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR SENOIRS )
    I know you don't need This information yet, but save it for the future.....

    1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.

    2. Set timer for 2 minutes, just in case you doze off in the middle.


    3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!



    4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

    5. Write partner's name on your hand just in case you can't remember.

    6. Keep the Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

    7. Have Extra-Strength Tylenol ready just in case you actually complete what you started.

    8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

    9. If it happens, call everyone you know with the good news.


    10. Don't even think about trying it twice.



    * A French Scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people
    with declining sexual activity read their e-mails with their right hand on the mouse.


    Don't bother taking it off, it's too late......
    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

    www.letssaythanks.com

    Go to the website above, pick out a thank you card and Xerox will print it and send it to a soldier serving in Iraq.


    It's FREE and only takes a few seconds.

    (Prayers are also FREE and easy to send)!
    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

    A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming
    around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling,
    scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it
    look good, the smell was wonderful.
    >
    > He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter
    replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de
    Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
    >
    > The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter
    replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because
    there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place
    your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
    >
    > The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that
    evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a
    few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said,
    "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw
    you served yesterday."
    >
    > The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes
    the bull wins"
    >
    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

    The marriage between an elderly farmer and his young wife was not working out, so the farmer consulted his doctor for advice.

    "The next time you feel a yearning for your wife," said the doctor, "don't wait until lunch or the end of the day. Quit what you're doing and go to the house."

    "I tried that," said the farmer, "but by the time I get to the house, I am so tuckered out, it's no use."

    The doctor thought for a minute and suggested, "Take your shotgun with you and if you feel the urge, shoot the gun and she will meet you where you are."

    A few weeks later the two men met on the street.

    "How did it work out?" asked the doctor.

    "Fine," said the farmer, "... for the first three days.

    Then hunting season opened and I haven't seen her since!"
    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

    My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
    He thought he was God, and I didn't.



    ------------------------------------------------------


    Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring,
    wedding ring, and suffering.



    ------------------------------------------------------


    For Sale : Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by
    mistake.



    ------------------------------------------------------



    There are two times when a man doesn't understand a
    woman: Before marriage and after marriage.



    -------------------------------------------------------



    Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because
    when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they
    go, they take your house and car.



    -------------------------------------------------------



    The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove
    seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss,"
    said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in
    picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she
    replied.? "I've been divorced three times."



    -------------------------------------------------------



    An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can
    remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40
    years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to
    tell me the exact words that were used to put the
    curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I
    now pronounce you man and wife."



    ------------------------------------------------------


    Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

    All the DNA is the same.



    ------------------------------------------------------



    I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
    Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me
    had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart
    piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the
    cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into
    the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would
    you like to buy?"


    Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?



    ------------------------------------------------------



    Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant,
    my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would
    be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're
    both 90 years old," the husband said . "We may not
    have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.



    ------------------------------------------------------



    The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected
    is that they would hate to have to make a living under
    the laws they've passed.



    ------------------------------------------------------



    Women and cats will do as they please, and men and
    dogs should relax and get used to the idea.



    ------------------------------------------------------



    Three friends from the local congregation were asked,
    "When you're in your casket, and friends and
    congregation members are mourning over you, what would
    you like them to say?" Artie said: "I would like them
    to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual
    leader, and a great family man."

    Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a
    wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge
    difference in people's lives."

    Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"



    ------------------------------------------------------



    Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close
    enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord...
    "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

    The Lord replies, "A minute."

    Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to
    you?"

    The Lord replies, "A penny."

    Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

    The Lord replies, "In a minute."



    -------------------------------------------------------



    A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is
    unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's
    bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody
    who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I
    should do?"

    "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm
    down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"



    ------------------------------------------------------



    John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give
    me one last request, dear," he said.

    "Of course, John," his wife said softly.

    "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to
    marry BOB."

    "But I thought you hated BOB," she said.

    With his last breath John said, "I do!"



    -------------------------------------------------------



    A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something
    terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about
    it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied,
    "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised
    by this, asks, "How can that be?"

    The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain
    she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

    The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to
    her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you
    know."

    A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well,
    I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for
    three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and
    the Rabbi replied,

    "Take the poison."


    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX



     
  2. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

    :lol:
     
  3. Quigley_Sharps

    Quigley_Sharps The Badministrator Administrator Founding Member

    Old woman Voice " Get off me your breaking my hip!
     
  4. Reloader

    Reloader Monkey+++

    Bookmarks...

    Politicians don't like to use bookmarks. They prefer bending the pages over... :eek:
     
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