LJ was sitting on the curb shaking a jar of turpentine and watchin the bubbles. Along came a Priest who asked, "what do you have there my Son?" LJ: "well Father this here is the most Parful liquid in the world!" Father: "oh no my son, Holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. One drop on a pregnant woman's tummy and she will pass a healthy child!" LJ: B...S....! a drop of this stuff on a cats a$$ and it'll pass a galldang motorcycle!"
Little Johnny was well known to be a problem student, so the the Teacher had long since decided never to call on him for any answers in class. Ever. (She knew better!) That worked pretty well until until the day Ms. Simmons started preparing her class for the Annual Spelling Bee, which was only two weeks away. She asked the class "Can anyone spell 'balcony'?", and a dozen hands shot up, including little Johnny's. She ignored him. "Susan?" she said, pointing. Susan stood up. "Balcony", she said, "B-a-l-c-o-n-y: balcony." And then she used it in a sentence. "The breeze is always very pleasant when I stand on the balcony." "Very good," said Ms. Simmons as Susan sat back down. She looked around the class. "Can anyone spell 'exceptional'?" she asked. A dozen hands went up, including little Johnny's. He was almost jumping up and down in his eagerness to be allowed to answer the question. "Daniel?" said Ms. Simmons. Danial stood up. "Exceptional", he said. "E-x-c-e-p-t-i-o-n-a-l: exceptional". Then he used it in a sentence. "I think Ms. Simmons is an exceptional teacher." Ms. Simmons smiled as Danial, the class suck-up, sat back down. "Can anyone spell the word 'rats'?" she asked. More hands went up, including little Johnny's, but this time he seemed to be drowning in disappointment, and his hand could barely be seen among the others "Well," Ms. Simmons thought, "Maybe this one time. It's a really short word. He can't possibly screw it up." "Little Johnny?" she said as she pointed straight at him. Suddenly bursting with pride, little Johnny leapt to his feet, stood up perfectly straight, and put his hands together like a choirboy getting ready to pray. "Rat," he said, proudly. "R-a-t: Rat." As he spelled it, his hands went further and further apart with each letter until he looked like he was measuring the big one that got away. Then he used it in a sentence. "Last night I saw a great big fat hairy rat dragging a f*uckin' d*ick this long!"
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.'' ''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny. ''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad. ''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!'' A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.'' ''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny. ''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad. ''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''
"The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!'' LOL! I laughed so hard the wife thought I was having a fit! Made me laugh even harder!!! LOL!!! Two Thumbs Up, Doc!
A day in the life of Little Johnny: Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us which famous person we admire the most. I told her, “Colonel Sanders.” Guess where I am now…
Yet another day in the life of Little Johnny: The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain't had no fun in months." Then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?" Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."
