My Liberal Diary

Day 13, My Liberal Diary
I have been having some reservations about my new found liberalism. I keep reading all the slogans and think I have a grasp on the general idea and I have a deep and abiding need to share someone else' wealth. It has become abundantly clear, that I waited too long as a working, tax-paying slave of the system, to qualify for many of the entitlements that are being paid. I had a vasectomy in 1978, to avoid reproduction and my shared responsibility in a deep-seated distaste in murdering unborn babies,while not wanting to have anything but support for the freedom of choice, I suppose that I could have decided to become a gay homosexual instead of surgery, but keeping my man-hands off a woman's vagina had not become an issue at the time and I never would have suspect that it would eventually become a liberal agenda. I just think that when a woman chooses murder as a means of birth-control, as is her right, she should be charged with capital murder. I do not support the death penalty, as is expected by our liberal conditioning, so instead of killing these biological baby factories, maybe we should marry them to some of these illegal immigrants and solve a couple of problems. Do you, Abdul Akbar, take Tonesha as your lawfully wedded wife, until death do you part?
Gun Control: this should be such an easy problem to solve. Why don't we just ask all the criminals and drug dealers and anarchists, to turn in their guns? Once the drive-by shootings and robberies stop, then the right-wangers will no longer have their most viable objection to gun control. If we remove the guns from the ones that are creating these ridiculous crime statistics, then we are much less likely to have to make up bullshit as a reason to disarm the crazy right-wangers that just want to shoot somebody to defend their life or property.
Obama-care only seemed to benefit a select few, the rest of us having to pay considerably higher premiums for less coverage. What if we just let the stupid, working class of American, just continue to buy their own health-care insurance and the rest of us just send the bills to George Sorros? The Main Stream Media could help out with telethons and the Clinton Foundation could be used as a guarantor.
BLM could become community organizers and instead of burning down buildings, they could build community health-care facilities and medcal marijuans distribution centers. Their agenda will radically change, once they are voluntarily dis-armed because, if they don't have guns, they can't shoot policemen and the retaliation by these armed racists will abate!
These are just some ideas to help further our liberal agenda and I recognize that maybe they could use a little more thought, but I have no doubt that when the Spring medical marijuana crop comes in, we'll have plenty of time to work out the details.
We have already proved that Hollywood produces the most charismatic leaders such as Arnold Swartznegger, So maybe we can use box-office receipts as a means of electing our leaders? Instead of an inauguration, we can use the Academy Awards! This would eliminate any possible means of election fraud and solve all the present issues with our Country's electoral process.

 

Day 14, My Liberal Diary
Watching the news on television, I get the impression that there is a lot more looting and pillaging going on than I have actually been able to confirm. It seems to be confined to the same old tired places that have been burning and rioting for decades. You'd think some of this "gun violence" would spread and not be so confined to Chicago, the capitol of our Liberal nation, or Seattle, where almost everybody speaks English.I haven't been able to find a single really good protest around Mobile, Alabama since the election, closest thing being a protest march by a couple of dozen lesbians and a negro or two protesting the appointment of a local "Bubba" for the position of Attorney General of the United States. This protest had potential but when the NORML folks showed up, we all got stoned and ended up terrorizing a Dunkin Doughnuts.
The problem is clearly the lack of strong leadership! I saw a quote today by one of the greatest warriors throughout history, not to mention, the inventor of the cell-phone, Alexander the Great. I quote: "I am not afraid of an army of Lions led by a Sheep: I am afraid of an army of Sheep led by a Lion." This man knew what it would take to conquer a nation, but unfortunately, I think the Right-Wangers had him assassinated in 2002.
There is little doubt that we, the Liberals in our Great Socialist Experiment, are the Sheep. Sheep need a strong leader and unfortunately, a Ram is still a sheep and pretty much is confined to butting his head against his enemies, we need some claws and teeth I want to nominate a real Lion for the position of Supreme Leader of the Democratic Party. this man is well documented as a celebrity and has been in numerous TV shows and movies, here is a link to his credits: Donald Trump The Republican Party did everything they could to keep him out of office short of having him assasinated and he still prevailed and won the highest office in the United States. I admit that this might cause a small problem or two, maybe Transvestites would have to use the men's room again and white people might have to stop apologizing for past events that they had no control over, but he is already President so we would save the costs and embarrassment of trying to elect another looser like Clinton. This man has more testosterone than the sum-total of the Democratic Party, if we discount the LGBT community lesbians. We need a Lion and everybody I have talked to say Trump is a Lion son of a bitch! Let's start a grass-roots movement to make this man the Supreme Leader of the Democratic Party!

 

Day 15, My Liberal Diary
I have been thinking about this wall. It seems like we plan to build a wall around the United States and hide behind it, can you imagine the graffiti that this will generate? And not even be able to see what's on the Mexican side. I am sure that they will build a Moulson and Moosehead pipeline before the great Canadian Wall goes up, and we need to do a Corona and Dos Equis pipeline on the Southern border, I wonder how this is going to affect the price of lunch at the taco stands? I wonder if the right-wangers have considered some of these unintended consequences? I suppose spray paint manufacturers will have a surge in business. I am equally sure that soon, we will be seeing a lot more Paratrooper illegal Entries (PIES) in the sky by the more clever coyotes. Once the wall is complete and Phalanx CIWS systems installed to protect against airborne incursions, mines laid and ground-penetrating radar guided bunker-busters pointed towards the tunnelers, I think we'll see a moat filled with alligators being next on the agenda. Reality TV shows should really have a ball with this, mini-guns shooting down low-rider airplanes and alligators eating the crash survivors, wouldn't it just be simpler to send the costs incurred by these folks to Mexico and let them pay for their illegal immigrants? That would be a win/win situation. I can get my lawn cared for in an affordable manner, and if they need medical care that we don't want to pay for, just send the bill to Mexico, problem solved.

 

Damn, lost my sombrero!

 

Day 16, My Liberal Diary
I am trying to decide which group of liberals best represents my position? I was told that I can't be an "African-American" even though I have lived and worked through-out parts of African on several occasions and I can't seem to find a single African-American that has even been there. I don't think I can be a LGBT-American because, even though they were very friendly and i got many invites to have drinks and go dancing, I just don't understand why they were emailing me pictures of their penises. My Southern accent makes it difficult to roll R's and I don't speak enough Spanish to qualify as a Mexican-American. Though I am part Native-American, most of the folks I know there would rather take scalps than hang out with "Snowflakes". I would be a Democrat, but these guys were so smart that they ran a criminal for President and can't understand why the opposition elected someone else.
I could be an Obama-Care supporter but once I really looked close at it, it's just another tax-hike that really does nothing to help anyone really get to the doctor and fines the ones that can't afford to buy it. I really enjoy recreational shooting and joined the NRA as a life-time membership back in my miss-informed days as a conservative, so the gun-control_American thing is not likely. i looked into being a BLM-American but they actually shot at me when I tried to give them some guns. I tried to be a NORML-American but I keep forgetting our agenda and am beginning to gain a few pounds from our looting Dunkin Doughnuts. That pretty much leaves just "Community-Organizer-American" and I have been diligently trying to do that since becoming a Liberal over two weeks ago! I have suggested that we organize the election process by using box-office receipts rather than votes and the Academy Awards, rather that an inaugural party. I suggested that we revitalize some of our more successful legacy programs, such as the KU Klux Klan. I even bought a Pussy Hat! This seems to be the area where we most need to garner support: we need to organize! We need a plan. We need cohesion! We have to establish some common-ground. The next big protest in Washington DC, we should all wear white-robes instead of vagina suits and carry just one sign to get our point across! It should be a simple sign because we think that most of the people we are trying to piss off, are stupid. If we say it enough, it will come true. Build it and they will come... Just imagine tens of thousands of white-robed people marching through our nations capital, all carrying signs that say just one common thing. I Was thinking something along the lines of "Trump has to be Unelected" or "Trump has to Go", I got it! this is elegant and simple and even those of us that didn't really bother to learn to read can understand this. We'll all carry signs that say " GO TRUMP!"

 

Day 17, My Liberal Diary
I know that I am becoming a real Liberal because I am having more problems with rational thoughts. I feel the urge to call people stupid rather than engaging in intelligent debate. Facts no longer matter, just as long as I get what I want. To Quote the great spokes-person of color, Maxine Waters “If you call it a riot, it sounds like it was just a bunch of crazy people who went out and did bad things for no reason. I maintain it was somewhat understandable, if not acceptable. So I call it a rebellion.”
Do we still listen to the wisdom of the Reverend Jesse Jackson? " I cast my bread on the waters long ago. Now it's time for you to send it back to me - toasted and buttered on both sides."

 

LOL they want to start putting my diary on the local radio stations

 

Day 18, My Liberal Diary
Why are these right-wangers so obsessed with Muslims? I have several muslim friends, the real ones, not the African-American ones that just want to be Muslim because Mohammad hates white people. I was in Trinidad several years ago and had a young Muslim from Guiana on board my ship. Faroud was a very polite and hard working young man that took tremendous pride in his job. He was severely beaten by some of my negro employees, they were not African-Americans, just ordinary Trinidad type negroes (Trinidad has a lot of them). They beat him because he refused to pay the local warlord, Terry Hogan, a portion of his wages for being allowed to work in Sealots. Hogan was a big, mean black man with gold teeth that owned all of the shanties in the local Port of Spain Ghetto, Sealots. He required that all the workers pay him half of their wages to be allowed to work. They also beat Teddy Ramasacum, another Muslin worker, after they stabbed him with a knife. I saved the two of them by literally covering their bodies with my own, like a mother hen. I treated their injuries and had to escort them to the airport. I sent Faroud to another ship in Antigua because Hogan and his band of merry men insisted they would kill them. Faroud recently contacted me through Facebook, he is living in New York City now, a citizen of the United States, and I am pretty sure he isn't answering calls for tech-support or manning the cash register at a 7-11. I am also pretty sure he isn't going to walk into a hotel lobby wearing a suicide vest and screaming "Ali Ali Akbar". Teddy stayed in Trinidad, he lived about fifty miles from Port of Spain and assumed he would be safe but someone killed him with a machete not long after this.
I also worked with several Muslim divers from the Philippines on a dredge salvage in La Cieba, Honduras. My wife cooked for the entire salvage crew and they all were very respectful of Ms Jimi and would have cut the throat of any man that harmed her. None of them had beards or wore a towel on their head. They dressed just like everyone else and you wouldn't even know they were Muslim except that they mostly didn't let any of their brothers see them sneaking bacon during breakfast. I asked El Fuego about this bacon sneaking and he said "I am a Muslim, but not a very good Muslim..." I told them all that I would not rat them out to Mohammad if they promised not to blow us all up. We are still friends and brothers, years later, and I'll bet the farm he hasn't even given a thought to jihad.
I have not had such good luck with some of the African-American Muslim converts, but I think they are sort of the "make up the rules as you go along" variety and don't think they understand this religion of peace thing.
Anyway, I am sure that there are a few Jihadists among the many Muslims that need to come to America, they have a right to follow their religion as much as a Baptist or Jehovah's Witness. It's just the bombing, shooting running folks over with a truck kinda thing that gets the right-wangers stirred up. I don't believe that wall is going to do much to prevent this any more than keeping Faroud's kids from returning from their vacation in Amsterdam will. What we really need is a Form! Sort of like the one that we make right-wangers fill out when they purchase an assault rifle. It has several yes/no questions on it like !. Are you a criminal? 2. Are you crazy? 3. Do you beat your wife? 4. etc....These questions are the only thing that saves us all from mass-shootings by right-wang gun nuts! So why don't we just make a form for Muslims to fill out when they want to come over here? 1. Are you a Jihadist? 2. Are you planning to kill several infidels? 3, Do you have a supply of explosives? 4. Can you fly an airplane? If so, do you intend to crash it into an occupied building?
This would solve so many problems and no doubt, keep us safer without upsetting our Muslim community. And we can all sit down and share some bacon in peace.

 

What the world needs is a little more bacon!
Plenty of Muslims want to come out of the closet about bacon.

 

Day 19, My Liberal Diary
Today, I decided to make my first conversion of a right-wanger into a Liberal! I believed my best candidate for indoctrination was my wife of 27 years, Ms Jimi. She is a devout conservative, thinks people should have to work for a living, accept the results of elections even if they are contrary to what you voted for, and doesn't believe social security benefits are an entitlement since she paid for them her whole life. She also thinks the NRA is a collection of patriots that banded together and formed a massive coalition to preserve the constitutional guarantee that the right to keep and bear arms will not be infringed, period. I began by politely asking if she would like to apologize for Donald Trump but she apparently isn't ready for that yet, saying that he was doing just exactly what he said he would do during his campaign, that was why she voted for him and didn't really think she should apologize for her candidate doing what he promised the folks that elected him that he would do. I sensed I was onto a thread with the apology thing though, so I decided to play the white-guilt card and ask her to apologize for slavery. She conditionally agreed to this, providing I could locate one single former slave that she had owned, or even a descendant of one that her father, grand-father, or great grandfather had owned and she would consider apologizing. If you are a negro former slave once owned by a Smith family member and wish to be apologized to, please let me know and I will suggest that my wife send you a Hallmark card expressing her remorse.
I asked her just what she thought about this wall thing down near Mexico and she said that maybe we should consult the Chinese, they have had a wall for centuries and very few Mexicans.
When I mentioned how rude Trump was with the Tweeter thing and the News media, she said the News media is owned by Liberals and has been very biased towards him and besides, she was damned tired of kiss-ass politicians that promised one thing, kissed your babies then sold the lot to the highest bidder in the pork-barrel business. SO naturally, I said he had bad hair, guess I won that point!
I also mentioned that he was married to a beautiful very feminine woman so he couldn't possibly look at those dedicated androgynous feminists wearing vagina suits with any equanimity and probably thinks that a man should use the men's room to piss, even if he identifies himself as a woman. When I argued this point with my wife, she said that the presence of a functional penis or vagina should be at least considered in determining what sex a person actually is, regardless of which department they clothes shop in. I thought about calling her a name, as is prescribed by our liberal consensus, but I remembered the last time I called her anything other than a term of endearment and have to admit that I would just rather try another approach than dine at McDonalds for an undetermined length of time, even if it might help Rosie buy a new place in Canada or somewhere.

 

If you need a place to crash besides the couch, Let me know. Even though you are a liberal, you've got a place by my campfire and a guest bedroom.

 

Day 20, My Liberal Diary
Now here's an agenda that I can lend support to: More College Kids Pledge to Remove Genitals if Trump Builds Wall
I got several of those cigar trimmers, the little guillotine type that I think would make the perfect implement for field emasculation and will loan them to any of our gender-confused brothers that wish to whack off their peepee. I don't really understand the point but it should remove the confusion about which rest-room they use I will suggest to my wife that she start a petition to allow each of the severed wieners to be cast in a brick to be used in the wall. It only makes sense now that women have declared their vagina as a proprietary asset only to be displayed in pink as a costume or worn on their heads during protests and riots. And those of us that have worked so hard to afford to send our children to school can now take pride in the fact that we no-longer have to worry about them procreating or contributing to the abortion market. This could work out almost as well as asking the criminals to turn in their guns so we can all be safer.

 

Day 21, My Liberal Diary
I have been blessed with good fortune throughout my life, given so many advantages such as the advantage of white privilege. In my former life as a conservative, I took this for granted but now that I have become a Liberal, it is past time to atone for my sins. I began this morning by apologizing to a African-American at Walmart and offered to purchase a nice leather belt and gift it to him to help hold his pants up so he wouldn't have to keep tugging them up when he walked. I then offered to buy a colorful Moomoo for a rather portly woman of color that was clothed only in a set of spandex underwear; it perfectly matched the purple rayon fibers she had carefully woven into her hair and I thought it would at least allow her some dignity when appearing in public. I never realized that just by being white had allowed me the advantage of having clothes that fit me and were appropriate for wearing in public. Tomorrow, I will buy several news papers and clip the discount coupons for Churches Chicken and hand them out. Since I had a vasectomy a few decades ago and can't make any babies, I will offer to become a step-baby daddy. It doesn't require marriage or apparently any financial responsibility and very little actual participation, but I am willing to quit my job and come by at the first of each month help with the Walmart shopping.
To all my new found friends in the LGBT community, I really appreciate all the kind invitations to get together and hang out but I think I will remain heterosexual at least a little while longer on the chance that might become normal again. I have not yet given up on converting my right-wang spouse (a woman that doesn't even own a vagina suit), into a Liberal and while I support those of you that have pledged to cut off your wieners in protest of the Great Wall of Mexico, I think I might still prefer to leave the toilet lid up a while longer.

 

Day 22, My Liberal Diary
I have an idea! Let's get all our liberal brothers and sisters to join the NRA! If enough of us join, we can get them to support our candidate in the next election, unless we try to run a Clinton again.. We can change the name from National Rifle Association to Not Republican Association! I am already a life-time member, having joined when I was a confused right-wanger and owned maybe a hundred or so firearms. I still have maybe that many guns but I won't need them when we persuade the criminals to hand in their weapons so we can auction them off to the gun buy-back programs on Gunbroker.com and use the money to send the Obamas on another vacation.