My Liberal Diary

Day 23, My Liberal Diary
I have found a government program that pays 100% housing, 100% food, free medical and dental care, job training, transportation, it even buys your shoes and clothing and not even that right-wanger, Donald Trump will be willing to mess with it! You don't even have to be a citizen of the United States but can become one while in this entitlement program. They will not discriminate against you if you are LGBT, black, or any other color. There is equal opportunity for advancement and continuing education. If you are one of those liberals that wants to burn and destroy shit to make a statement, they will send you to places that you can totally waste and even give you bombs and guns and stuff to do it with. Sounds like a total liberal paradise, all that free stuff and entertainment to boot; be all that you can be and join the military before the right-wangers catch on and shut it down.

 

I hear they have marches for free education too!

 

@Seacowboys I used to come on here just every so often to "look and learn" but for the last two weeks i really look forward to reading your diary so please keep it up!!!!!

 

@Seacowboys this is better than 'fake news' for satire. It's a brilliant diary

 

Day 24, My Liberal Diary
Since becoming a Liberal and realizing how stupid everyone else is, I have come a conclusion that there is a pattern or two that exists that my fellow liberals might be missing. While I totally support all those of us that can afford to leave the country, there are still a good many of us that just can't afford the bus tickets.
For decades, the right-wangers have been complaining about all the illegal Mexicans coming over the border and that all of them are miscreants, bandits, gangbangers, and terrorists. If that is so, then Mexico must be a safer place! Guns are illegal there, at least for most of the common people. OK, so there isn't a Walmart on every corner, but there are Bodegas everywhere. They have some of the best Mexican food anywhere! Mexico invented the margarita and tequila has been elevated from rot-gut to boutique and you can even select the color worm in the bottle, if that makes a difference to you. Best of all, they are all democrats, at least when they sneak over here. We can all gather in California and rather than succeeding from the Union, we can just surrender to Mexico, didn't we steal California from them in the first place? The LGBT community can teach the mariachi how to play YMCA and there are still enough Mexicans there to do the lawn work and provide the NORML folks with a good buzz. We wouldn't have to learn to speak Spanish, ebonics will suffice just fine and the Cartels will have to lower prices because they wouldn't have all the expense of paying smugglers, DEA agents, and County Sheriffs to turn a blind eye.

 

Day 25, My Liberal Diary
I have a number of questions that maybe some of my liberal brothers and sisters can answer. I can't afford a Prius, so can I just ride a bicycle once in a while to reduce my carbon foot-print to an acceptable level? Is there a way that I can insure that all the meats I eat died of natural causes? Do I need to invest in waders for when the global warming raises the sea level to my front door, I live near Mobile Bay and I am greatly concerned about waking up with salt water all over the floor? I understand that Black Lives Matter, does this include Black policemen? Why is it considered racist if I disagreed with Barak Obama but supported Dr. Ben Carson or Allen West, they are people of color, aren't they? Why is it offensive to call a native American an Indian but it isn't offensive to call a conservative an idiot? Why are we so upset that the government wants to defund endowments for the arts instead of just donating money ourselves and being in control? I have problems understanding why we would want something as cumbersome and backwards as the government running anything related to arts and education, that sort of seems like an oxymoron. Should I rescind my degree in mechanical engineering and get a degree in liberal arts? And what about country music? That's sort of a grey area for me, can I like it or not?
I don't really have anything against the LGBTs, except their choice in music really sucks, but I don't really want to become one, is this ok? I enjoy being heterosexual even if my wife is a conservative, we don't often talk politics while engaging in sex. but I hope this doesn't offend anybody.

 

One of the best reads I've seen for awhile! Thanks and keep it up Sea!

 

I'm thinking road kill might be a natural cause of not making a decision to cross the road in an expedient fashion.

 

Day 26, My Liberal Diary
I must confess that I have spent most of my adult life as a Libertarian but just couldn't support that idiot, Johnson in the last election. I had a tough time choosing between the two clowns left running but ultimately decided that the left had drained our economy too much and was intrigued by the thought of a successful businessman, rather than a politician, running corporate America. I honestly am quite liberal in some areas and very conservative in others. I believe foremost, in freedom of choice and I am not talking about abortion here. I support extremely limited involvement by the government in the things I hold dearest, family, music,education, free speech, and the right to keep and defend the things that you have earned by your labors. I do not like insurance companies or the product they sell and especially the lobby they spend billions of dollars used in getting laws passed to limit their liabilities yet increase the demand for their services by force of law. I really don't care about how many illegal immigrants are here and don't give a damn about people's sexual preferences as long as it doesn't damage anyone or get paraded down main street, blocking traffic when I have to get to work at the job that I will have to keep working for the rest of my natural life. I don't want to pay any more taxes, I am living on subsistence now with all the insurance requirements, my wife's health issues, the depressed market in the Gulf of Mexico where I make my living as a commercial diving, salvage and marine construction professional. I am not a racist but I did not like Obama and I do not think he was a good president but I accepted him because our system elected him so yes, he was my President even if I didn't like him. I do not like Donald Trump either but he is my President, elected by the people of my Country and I will try my best to influence his decisions to support the things I hold dearest by legal and peaceful means. I thought Dr. Ben Carson or Allen West would have been a much better choice but absolutely would have voted for the devil herself before I would have supported Hillary Clinton and it has nothing to do with her vagina. What I have seen and what shames me, is the polarization that has taken friends, family, and associates that I once respected and reduced them to name calling and and saber rattling. Please look at history, my friends...look at the American Civil War, brothers that fought side-by-side against the British to win our independence, killing one another by the thousands and all over politics. I am appalled that so many of my friends would rather ostracize the millions of us that voted against Clinton rather than for Trump, rather than trying to establish a productive dialogue that would help to fix a flawed system that was corrupted by professional politicians willing to sell our Liberty to the highest bidder. We do not need something as backwards and corrupt as a government interfering with the things that separate us from the lower species, arts, music, charity; these things, we need to take on ourselves and nourish. It isn't going to happen by regulation or gift. These are things we want, not things that we are entitled to make others pay for so that we can enjoy them. Endow the arts with your own funds and time, climb a mountain because it is there, not because you have to hang a corporate logo near the top. Accept that there will always be others that will fail, that will be deficient despite blue parking spaces and public welfare. Natural selection exists for a reason greater that some utopian dream. Believe in God or not, whatever you conceive her to be, just don't kill me if I don't care. I am afraid of you, you have taught me fear and I have spent most of my life sharpening my skills in self defense, including the use of lethal force. I do not want to injure anyone but if you threaten my life and property, I will do my best to kill you, then I will pray over your dead body and grieve over the necessity of that vile deed.
Police brutality exists and we have created a police state that needs to be demilitarized and returned to the role of protecting and serving the community, not "Enforcing" Laws. There are millions of policemen that do that very thing and black lives matter only further polarizes us because ALL Lives Matter, including policemen. I understand just how frustrated everyone is but violence is something that most of you only know from watching television or playing video games. I have to tell you, dead sucks and I have had to deal with more than my share of dead and know this to be true. I am not racist because I do not like or respect people that are ignorant by choice, speak our common language with no regard for grammar, diction nor elocution. I do not trust or respect people that foster a gangster culture, neo-nazi, or any supremacist culture. I believe in the law of probability, that if a certain demographic is 90 times more likely to assault or harm me, I am 90% more cautious around them and if this offends you, then you can kiss my white ass.

 

Day 27, My Liberal Diary
Well, I have been a liberal for nearly a month, this being February, and have yet to receive a single free entitlement, not even a pussy hat that I am still waiting on from Australia. I have yet to be invited to a single looting or riot, and I am starting to think our Hollywood leaders have taken a more subdued position after reviewing their box-office receipts. I did have one friend today, complain that some ignorant Trumpeter called him a figget. He seemed quite upset about anyone calling him a name but he has been calling everybody that disagrees with him idiots, Trump Apologists, racists, and anything else he thinks is cute and cuddly. I have to admit that it never occurred to me that those ignorant right-wangers would eventually start calling us names back.It was my understanding that as a Liberal, I get a free pass on protesting, rioting, parading, and calling these ignorant red-neck racist, well-armed right-wangers names. I have been assured that impeachment is coming, since we can't keep that dictator in office much longer or taxes might drop and the economy might continue to improve and the ignorant bastards might even begin believing that their way of making America Great again might actually benefit a lot of people. My health insurance premiums are already less than they were two months ago, and I never even got an Obama phone. Why would we, as liberals, want to see such a drastic improvement when they stop funding NPR? Hell, they'll probably want to do away with paid government holidays like MLK Day next.

 

Day 28, My Liberal Diary
I wanted to patronize a minority owned food establishment today to show my support, we have a favorite in Lake City, Florida called the FuKing Chinese Restaurant but Lake City is a three hour drive from Mobile and since I haven't gotten my Prius yet, decided to eat at KFC instead. While enjoying a piece of fried chicken, I remarked to my wife, the right-wanger, that they sell skinless chicken breasts at the local grocery for higher prices than regular ones. I don't know if these are genetically engineered to not have skin but I suspect that they just remove the skin and throw it away. Well everybody knows that the best part of fried chicken is the skin and the only ones that might disagree with that are vegans and maybe some yankees. I think this is a source for a new entitlement, Kentucky Fried Chicken Skins! They sell fried pork skins every where, why not fried chicken skins? This might well help with global warming by eliminating wast products that otherwise might have been incinerated, or even worse, ground into hotdogs.
I was talking to a right-wang friend last night, in an attempt at recruitment towards the left side naturally, when the conversation turned to how being really rich is the single thing that actually allows independence. For example, you can own as many machine guns as you want, if you can afford to pay a $200.00 tax on them and pay 100X what the exact same one sells to police departments for because they halted the import or manufacturing of them allowed in the civilian registry and grossly inflated the costs of the available ones on the market. This was a brilliant idea because it put the costs of these dangerous weapons out of the reach of common people like us and in the hands solely of the rich and powerful, where they belong. I mentioned that if even one of us were really rich, we could be having this discussion over a latte at Starbucks rather than on an Obama phone half a continent away.
This is the difference to listening to Statesbourgh Blues on the birthday boom-box or having the Allman Brothers perform it for you live. I understand that some of us have in-ground swimming pools and some of us have to sneak into Murphy's cow pond for a swim, it is this inequality that upsets me most and the primary reason I decided to become a Liberal; I want to share the wealth! Here is a short list of entitlements that I would like to be provided:
1. A heated in-ground swimming pool, preferably salt-water and stocked with tropical fish.
2. A private plane and/or helicopter.
3. A new Mercedes SUV.
4. A genuine wool pussy hat woven from pink Australian sheep
5. Free data and cell service on my Android
6. the same health insurance given to our elected politicians
7. A 1958 Gibson Les Paul Standard Gold-top
8. A new machine gun of my choice
oh, and a lot of money, don't forget the money because I really am damned tired of working all the time for the little bit they give me.

 

Day 29, My Liberal Diary
I almost watched the Oscars last night and until I heard a lot of black folks complaining about how few Oscars traditionally go to black folks, but I have an idea! Let's change the name from "Oscars", obviously a Anglo name , to "Tyrons", a name that I have never heard given to a racist right-wanger. Still, I think that since colored people represent maybe 14% of the population and seem to get about 25% of the awards, it really is sort of petty to gripe about. And who was this Oscar guy anyway? Is he the one that invented the hotdog? Well, thank God for Netflix! I got a lot more enjoyment out of watching Denzel Washington, an amazing actor even if he is a right-wanger, shoot a lot of bad white guys while protecting a Mexican family from drug cartels, in an old B-movie. I have so many favorite black actors and actresses and Opra or Whoopi ain't even included. Samuel Jackson is a bad-ass! Lou Gosset was awesome when that giant eel thing bit his head off, Eddie Murphy made a very believable jackass on Shrek. Charlie Chan movies would have never made it without Birmingham Brown! I am a big fan of Snoop, especially his cooking show with Martha Stewart. I think we should give them all a Tyron!

 

Day 30, My Liberal Diary
Apparently Trump addressed Congress last night and all we liberals did was sit and pout. I am going offshore for 10 days now where I can be as liberal as I want without having to deal with annoyong shit like truth and facts.

 

Stay safe and let us know if you find your offshore liberal paradise!

 

Day 31, My Liberal Diary

Today, I spent mostly listening to an audio book while lying on a bench aboard the Jimmy G. This was almost as relaxing as burying my head in the sand. There are those that would think burying your head in the sand is a most useless form of Liberal entertainment but let me expand upon it a bit and just maybe you will begin to garner a new perspective. Once your head is totally covered and breathing passages are established, the first noticeable thing is that you can no longer really hear what is going on around you. The sand acts as a very efficient barrier between your ears and what is being said, especially by those idiot right-wangers. You would think that your visual perspective would be somewhat limited but it truly gives you a new level of focus, unobstructed by events that surround you. The microcosm of millions of individual grains of sand begin to come into clear focus, each one being as unique as two grains of sand can be. Global warming has a pronounced effect on the sand you have chosen to bury your head in., therefore, it is recommended that you select an area with a bit of shade or you might bake your brains. Also, a bit of moisture in the sand might be desirable in maintaining clear breathing passages, as dry sand tends to enter even the tiniest access points, sometimes making it difficult to breath. I would recommend an artificial breathing apparatus such as a scuba rig or scba, to provide both a source of breathing air and protection of your eyes from the abrasive nature of sand. It also makes it much easier to appreciate the sand if you place a cylume light stick inside your mask and wear magnifying glasses, In this hostile community that we have lived in since the elections, I would also recommend guarding your posterior access by backing firmly against a wall before inserting your head into the hole in the ground to insure that no passing right-wanger decides to take unfair advantage or your unprotected orifices and screw you again. Here, you can scream as loud as you wish and no-one will notice. You can say anything your wish with almost no consequence. Each grain of sand can become your very own social experiment, a Utopia.

 

Day 32, My Liberal Diary

The NRA.

Pissed off enough yet? The single most powerful lobby in the United States of America blocks every attempt that we make at getting the guns out of the hands of people that think they need to defend themselves against criminals, terrorists, and run-away government. Who are they trying to fool? Don’t they know that we have police to call whenever we have become a victim of crime or terror? Yeah sure, the police only get called after the fact but that’s their job, for Christ sake. It isn’t like we can expect them to guard us from criminals. They are there to fill out reports for your insurance and to protect the EMTs from injury while they cart your body off for treatment or burial.

OK, so the NRA is a very large group of citizens that own guns and have joined together and committed their time, resources, and money towards blocking our attempts at reasonable gun laws. We can’t compare them to lobbies like big pharm or Insurance, who spend billions of dollars literally paying off politicians because the NRA doesn’t pay any of them They spend that money advertising, and gathering more membership by supporters, voters….yes, their power lies soley in their ability to influence huge blocks of voters for or against politicians that would try to pass laws to restrict their precious second amendment. We, as liberals, complain about this mostly because we can’t seem to get enough people joined together to compete with the NRA, that’s the damned problem with a Democratic Republic, there are fewer of us that have enough sense to know the problem is not related to the poor folks that rob or murder you, but rather, with the guns that they use. Anyone with any sense knows that a gun that holds 30 bullets instead of ten will kill you three times as much. And any gun will kill you more than a knife or a hammer or bat,, even if more people are killed by blunt objects, when you are killed by a gun, you become a statistic, even if you are a criminal or terrorist and are shot by a victim defending their life and property, you are now a victim of gun-violence! We have to stop as much of this silly gun-violence as we can and the easiest way to do that is to make it hard for people to kill or injure people that are trying to kill you. Gun-free zones have always protected us from these gun nut NRA members, several millions of them! There is no question about that, even the NRA admits freely that not one NRA member has ever killed a hundred people in a gun-free zone! This is only common sense, so why can’t they set an example for the criminals, terrorists, and lunatics to follow?

 

Day 33, My Liberal Diary

While having my head buried in the sand, surrounded by right-wangers trying to find a way to breach the wall against my back-side, I was given an epiphany! As I mentioned when I first became a Liberal over a month ago, I am a life-time member of the National Rifle Association, yes, the evil NRA. I am also a life-time member of the Gun Owners of America (GOA) and the USPSA (Unites States Practical Shooting Association, but the NRA is the most powerful of the bunch, having a membership of well over 5 million members being registered voters. As I mentioned, they do not pay politicians, they threaten them with their voting block. They also send out ballots with regularity to determine the wishes of the members. We all know that most of these NRA voters are ignorant right-wangers, that’s a given because they believe in such stupid ideas as protecting the Constitution for the United States of America and particularly the second amendment to the Bill of Rights. Well brothers and sisters of the Liberal persuasion, there are over 72 million of us registered liberal democrats in the United States so if we all join the NRA, we get to vote too! We can nominate and elect whoever we want to for President of the NRA, even Rosie McDonald! We can change their bill-boards to a picture of Rosie holding a fork and cheese burger in her hands and proclaiming “From my Cold Dead Hands!” It is past time for us to gather our resources and commit our lives and wealth towards changing this Democratic Republic into a Totalitarian Utopia and joining the National Rifle Association with generous donations is the first step towards disarming those that think guns save lives.

 

Damned right-wanger! Can't even slip a little one by you, George!

 

Day 34, My Liberal Diary

I am a songwriter, I don’t get any funding from the National endowment for the Arts but I I could use some free guitar strings once in a while, if anyone knows of an entitlement program that provides them. The words to this song sort of sum up the differences in us Liberals and those red-neck right –wangers. I confess that I wrote this when I was somewhat of a conservative but all I have to change is my perspective!

Collateral Damage

By Darrel Wallace/ AKA Mississippi River Crooks


A black man held six hostages inside a mid-town liquer store

Four people locked in a storage room and two bleeding on the floor.

A Police sniper got the order to put the gunman down,

One shot, one kill, the man dropped to the ground

But the bullet passed right through him and through a veneer door

Into the storage room, in the back of the liquer store.


The Black folks blamed the Police, the Politicians blamed his gun

But no-one blamed the gunman for the terrible thing he done.

The rednecks blamed religion, the lawyers blamed the store

And the makers of that bullet that passed through the veneer door.


Now the boy’s momma is on TV, she’s on the six o’clock news

Talking about what a fine young man he was, just didn’t have nothing better to do.


Collateral Damage, two parallel lines

He wanted easy money, all I wanted was a bottle of wine

Collateral Damage, that’s what they said

Collateral Damage? I’m just glad that son of a bitch is dead.


She bled out, on the floor, before they could let the medics in;

Her blood mixed on the floor with a broken bottle of Booth’s Gin.
They almost saved the second man, they took him right away.

He lasted until morning, but he passed before the day.

And the bullet that killed the gunman and passed through the veneer door

Killed the woman right beside me, dead body number four.


The Black folks blamed the Police, the politicians blamed the guns

But nobody blamed the gunman for the terrible things he done.

They burned all the police cars, they looted all the stores

And the Lawyers got together and sued the manufacturer of the door


Now Jesse’s on the TV, he’s on all the news

Saying that Black Lives Matter when you got nothing left to loose


Collateral Damage, Two parallel lines

He just wanted some easy money and I just wanted a bottle of wine

It’s collateral damage, that’s what the news said

Collateral damage? I’m just glad that son of a bitch is dead.