My mom is breaking and I don't know what to do

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by BailyTheFox, Dec 23, 2016.

  1. BailyTheFox

    BailyTheFox Monkey+

    Time for a rant about mommy issues kids. Buckle up.

    So my mom... has a lot of issues. My grandpa has been essentially dieing for the past year of a myriad of health issues including cancer, heart disease, etc. Its hit her extremely hard because she lost her mom to alcoholism before I was born and her dad has finally started to mellow out after always being gruff and a hardass her entire life.

    Bipolar, depression, and anxiety all run in her side of the family and she suffers from all. She used to be outgoing and bubbly when i was a kid i remember but she hurt her back one day and over three major surgeries later she can't work, or do most of the things she once enjoyed. Now she is angry and depressed all the time and lately has taken it out on my dad.

    My dad is a normal and very hard working man who can't understand where she is coming from on... well anything. It seems she's starting to resent him because she thinks he doesn't try and because both of his parents are alive and we spend a lot if time with them. He is also executive vice-president of sales for a large company and has always been away a lot on work while she is stuck at home.

    She talked to me tonight after drinking too much (not common for her) and told me these things. How she misses her mom, and resents my dad for being gone. She said she wishes she would just die already.

    My dad said she just says that stuff whenever she gets into this state and not to worry.

    What the fuck do I do? She's so lost and angry, she has almost no friends and her family can't be there for her. Nothing I say helps, she's already on meds and goes to therapy. I cannot handle this, I just can't. I'm starting to resent her sometimes it seems.
    AxesAreBetter likes this.
  2. AxesAreBetter

    AxesAreBetter Monkey+++

    First off, ain't none of that on your shoulders. Been near to a fair piece of that, and sometimes other peoples problems are just their own.
    Second, do what you got to do not to get pulled into that cycle. I'm not saying that you can't admit or be annoyed by your mother's faults, but you do not need to develop into that yourself through inaction.
    Third. life is hard and complicated, and moreso when you suffer from any kind of constant affliction. My advice would be to support your mother as you can, and help your father as he needs it. And don't forget to look out for yourself every now and again, but you also don;t have to burn any bridges just to watch them go. Life is complex, and the right answer now might not be the right answer tomorrow.

    Best of wishes, feel free to pm.
    chelloveck, BlueDuck, Ura-Ki and 3 others like this.
  3. Motomom34

    Motomom34 Monkey+++

    She is depressed and when you are drunk,it intensifies the feelings. You need to remember that the holidays are very hard for many people. They have memories of good times and they have memories of the pain of holidays after they lost someone they truly love. Holidays are a really stressful time and to be sad because life has dealt you pain and the loss of the way life is, it is hard. @BailyTheFox you are you and you are learning many of life's lessons so early, that is not a bad thing. If you focus only only what you can do, you will come out stronger. You cannot change your Mom or make her better. It is what it is. That sounds awful but it is true. The only thing you really need to do is get her help if she is being unsafe. Hopefully she is truthful to her therapist. And don't forget to let her know you love her.
  4. ghrit

    ghrit Bad company Administrator Founding Member

    Take care that your father isn't away from home due to her actions (or yours) or lack thereof. Sounds like it's time to seek therapy of some kind.
  5. Cruisin Sloth

    Cruisin Sloth Special & Slow

    I have seen this with my mother b4 she Died from drug poisoning .
    Learn the drugs & who said to take what . They all get a kickback to push the crap , 5 doctors in practice push 5 drugs & have reactions . My mom hemerage blead out from someones other drug (import staff from 3 world in old folks home ) Cheaper labour ..

    Check the drugs

    Ghrit is correct also ,
    Ura-Ki likes this.
  6. Yard Dart

    Yard Dart Vigilant Monkey Moderator

    God bless you and your family... hard times pass, you will come out stronger from this as @Motomom34 said!!!
    Hang in there, as life is hard, but if you learn its lessons, you can control YOU.... and how you react to the world around you. I have this saying that has held true through out my life: Life is not fair.... suck it up and drive on... tomorrow is waiting. :)
    Motomom34 and Ura-Ki like this.
  7. Ura-Ki

    Ura-Ki Grudge Monkey

    It's really a hard thing you are going through, and your far too young to have any of this on your plate! Motomom34 and the others are correct, You BailyTheFox have a great big life out there in the world waiting for you to live it!
    Don't turn your back on those that love you, and right now it sounds like they need you, be there for them, and be strong for them, but do not let it bring you down, and do not let any of these things consume you! There are many wise monkeys on here, and a lot of good wisdom, take all that you can, use it, make your self stronger, and you can get through all these things! Tomorrow is waiting, it's just a few hours away and another fine day presents it self to you to LIVE as you choose! Look at the beautiful things all around you, smell the heavy winter smells, revel in the Christmas holiday and remember what we are actually celebrating!
  8. Tevin

    Tevin Monkey+++

    You are not going to change your mom, and it's not your problem to solve her problems for her, nor be her shoulder to cry on every time she is boozed up and nostalgic.

    If I may be blunt, you are playing the role of doormat. She cares mostly about herself and turns to you when she's feeling guilty about her lifetime of bad decisions. If she truly wanted to change, she would get up and do so and not be depending on you for free albeit unprofessional therapy.

    The fact that you are here asking what to do about her is a natural reaction, but it also proves that you're a doormat. Never once in your post do you express any concern for your own well being, and that needs to stop.

    My advice is to get some professional therapy yourself, with primary goal of learning how to insulate yourself from her and establish reasonable boundaries, and a secondary goal of learning how to support your dad so you can better be there for each other. You don't have to cut mom out of your life, but you definitely cannot continue to be involved with her problems to the extent you are now.

    This may mean not being as close to mom as you would like, but again, that is her doing, not yours. Be grateful for the mother you have and don't pine for the one you wished you had.

    Seriously, start thinking about yourself for once.
    chelloveck and Motomom34 like this.
  9. Witch Doctor 01

    Witch Doctor 01 Mojo Maker

    just love her and try to be understanding....knowing that you can't fix it....
    chelloveck and Motomom34 like this.
  10. chimo

    chimo the few, the proud, the jarhead monkey crowd

    Best you can do at the moment is to remind your mom of and to appreciate all of the good things in her life, rather than fixating on the bad things, what she doesn't have, what someone else has, etc. If you don't appreciate the good things, the rest will eat you up and destroy you.
    chelloveck, Motomom34 and Dunerunner like this.
  11. Dunerunner

    Dunerunner Brewery Monkey Moderator

    @chimo, great insight!

    Baily, talk to your Mom. Look through family photos of when there were happier times, remind her gently that life goes on. The goal is to make your life (meaning hers) and the life of those around you better. That is the test of our character. God be with you young lady..
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2016
    chelloveck and Motomom34 like this.
  12. BailyTheFox

    BailyTheFox Monkey+

    I've gotten better at remembering to look out for myself. I have almost destroyed myself in the past trying to take care of everyone else when I was in middle school and high school and learned my lesson there, I can't help everybody even if I try. Nowadays I get the urge to burn bridges but I don't have that in me. When my mom gets like this she becomes childish and petty and I have to remember that it's because of how fucked up her childhood was. Its always confusing, sometimes I'm the mom. Thank you for your wisdom, especially the last bit I haven't heard before.

    Yeah thats why I have such a strong dislike of alcohol and drugs, the personality change has always disturbed me deeply. I alway let her know that I love her but I'm real with her too, she doesn't listen usually. I don't think she'd try anything unless my grandpa died. Then there'd be trouble.

    I agree wholeheartedly about the therapy, after mom told me last night about how she feels about my dad I just told her she has to try therapy with him. The trick is trying to get my dad to get it, I feel like he may deny the problem exists and I don't believe that. They still love each other so theres a chance they might be smart enough to try it.

    Honestly I'm amazed that my dad has dealt with her for so long. Maybe it's because I'm young and never let myself "love" someone like that but I would have divorced her ass years ago. I know that makes me cruel but the amount of stuff they've been through...Christ its like beating your head against a wall.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 25, 2016
  13. BailyTheFox

    BailyTheFox Monkey+

    She will be going through a meds change for the billionth time soon so I'll check then. I think she's pretty good about updating all her different doctars on any meds change but its a great idea, thank you.

    Yes, one of the things that help me through trying times is to remember it makes me stronger. I've been somewhere similar before in middle school and that made me stronger and a tiny bit wiser, this will too hopefully.

    Many wise monkies indeed, It's why I come here. People here have helped me many times.
    I'm better about keeping out if others problems than I used to be. She got her first two surgeries when I was in middle school and I had similar problems then. I haven't been a doormat for awhile however and haven't gotten too involved in her issues. I'm just worried after her tone.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 25, 2016
    Ura-Ki likes this.
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